"Why are your knees black? are you bleaching?, Why are your legs so fair and your face dark? What happened to your nape hair? You need to take care of your face, it's looking too rough"
There's nothing that makes me feel so insecure like someone noticing my flaws and asking me why they are there. The worst is when they say "you need to take care of this" because I'm very much aware that I have these things and I don't like them either but what can I do?, I certainly can't hate myself for it.
To be honest, having flaws especially the physical ones like pimples, acne, spots or even a body size you're not okay with can be really unbearable. You try to accept yourself like that but when people begin to notice it, the uncomfortable, horrible feelings come back up again like an undigested meal.
I'm one person who looks normal but has a lot of insecurities that I try my best to hide. When someone spots it and talks about it, I laugh with them but when I'm alone, I remember it and get sad all over again.
Well I'm about to write a lot of personal things but it's the way I feel and I know there are also many others like me who are struggling with accepting their flaws so I'll write it anyway.
So, it all started when I was in junior secondary School. I was just thirteen years of age when I passed a group of senior year students and one them called me back and plainly told me that I had a flat butt. At that point, I was just shocked and had nothing to say or do about it and so I left. You can imagine what a thirteen year old me even knew about body figures and all because I knew nothing and didn't care much about how I looked. I felt so sad at what she she said and went to stare at myself in the mirror to see if there was any truth in what she was saying and sadly, there was.
From that day, I started looking at others and comparing myself to them. In my mind, I said things like "why can't I have this kind of figure? why am I like this? Why couldn't I have been created this way?. I got so insecure about my figure at 13!. It was such a horrible feeling that I had to deal with but I thank God I was able to scale through.
So when I entered my senior secondary school, I became very "body conscious". While other girls would wear their underwear to stay in the hostel, I would always tie a blanket over my own underwear because I didn't want anyone noticing the figure of my body and laughing at me. Soon, it became really weird and noticeable to my roommates and classmates and they scolded me which was really scary to experience but as a result of that, I stopped using a blanket to cover my body. On the bright side, I don't really remember anyone laughing at my figure but still, I wasn't satisfied with it.
Fitting into my new school wasn't really pleasant. I had a myriad of feelings about everything and everyone. I wasn't the social type so I always stayed in my room and kept to myself but my roommates had friends that kept on visiting and so I had to communicate somehow.
Everything was going well until I fell into my hostel's drainage twice and sustained some horrible injuries. It took sometime to heal but that wasn't the problem, the problem was the scars it left behind. These scars were so prominent and embarrassing and I was very thin so you could imagine how noticeable it was. I knew nobody said anything probably because it was an injury but their "pitiful" stares did the talking. This time, I began hiding myself in the crowd so no one would notice me and avoiding eye contact with people. That was hell but soon, I did something remarkable and that was accepting me that way and ignoring the stares. I wasn't even the cause of my problem so I had nothing to worry about.
Now fast forward today, I'm still not perfect but at least I'm happy and okay and I know that one day, I'll be where I want to be. I'm even better than how I was before because I've put on a load of weight which I'm happy about and at the same time shocked because it almost feels unbelievable. I still struggle with some insecurities but with the daily effort of seeing myself through God's eyes, I'm constantly reminded that I'm loved and cherished by the One that really matters-God and my family and friends and that's all I need to keep me going in life.
I know insecurities might be really hard to keep up with but just know that God loves you just the way you are and you don't have to be perfect for Him. Just come the way you are and He'll help you with every other thing.
This article has been long overdue because of school {I'm a medical student} and my phone was having issues but now I'm back and I hope to keep on posting. Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoy the article.