Sometimes moving on can be painful, annoying and tiring but it's something we all have to do in life. It's a part of life and a decision that must be taken at a point in life. My short and temporary stay here on Earth have been really great. A lot has been learned and unlearned. I've gone through good and blissful times, sad and depressing times and all have I been grateful for because I learned from every single one of those experiences. Fitting in, standing out, making friends and being alone have been parts of my life that had their good and bad times but one thing I've always had trouble with is moving on. It's something we all have to do one day.
Sometimes, we go through circumstances that our only way out is moving on. A moment ago, everything was fine but now, you have to come to the conclusion that you have to move on because doing that would keep you sane and safe.
Well I'm at that point in my life where I have to move on and continue so I can be happy and free. I Made a group of friends in my school and I really can't understand why I was happy.
I didn't know if it was because I had finally made friends or because I could be identified with a group of people but I sure was happy. I think it was a great achievement for me because I've always been an antisocial/ selectively social introvert and I tried so much to step out of my little box so I guess my effort paid off.
I guess I was so carried away by the fact that I had a nice group of friends that I didn't notice the red flags. I didn't notice they had left me out of somethings that I should have been a part of and when I asked why, I couldn't get a good explanation. They had of group they created on WhatsApp where they shared jokes and threw shades at each other and talked about a lot of things and I wasn't part of it. I actually thought it was me so I tried stepping way out of my own personal space to get closer to then thinking that maybe I would be added but to no avail.
So I decided to shake it off and go with the flow since that was the only option to be identified with my group of friends. I started getting called during Hangouts and stuff, started going out and I was happy. I had two other from who warned me about them, telling me they weren't real but my ears were deafened to their "hateful, kill Joy warnings". For all I knew, I was having a good time with my friends. I felt left out sometimes, I wasn't still added to the group and deep down I knew that there was some truth in what my two other friends told me but I blinded my eyes to those red flags.
We learned we were going home due to the outrage of the covid-19 pandemic so we decided to have fun one more time before we came back to school in a month or so we thought. We took pictures, made videos and had fun and when I returned home, I watched those videos with a beaming smile because I felt I was a part of something great, something fun which would hopefully last a long while.
As time went on, our conversations were good, we'd chat with each other sometimes, call often and everything was cool till what we thought was going to be a break of four weeks became months. During that period, our conversations or rather my conversations with them drastically reduced. I saw it coming though because I'm not really a "chat or call" person but I tried to keep some things going until I was tired and decided to observe things. During that break, I got to know my true friends because even with my not being available, my two other friends and one I made kept calling weekly. Some more than once in a week to check up on me so even though it was not in my nature to call people, I had to because of those wonderful friends.
I started spending time talking to the people who actually cared about me even though we were miles apart, we still found a way to make this "friendship thing" work. Somehow I accepted that the fact that I was never going to proplerly fit in in that group and moved on from that stage. Soon, I stopped knowing things happening in the group, I was always the last to know and no one told me anything going on, I just had to find out myself. It was honestly sad for me; coming to the reality that I wasn't really valued or important to them as much as I thought I was was a really hard pill to swallow.
Soon, school resumed and I thank God, I set my priorities straight. I decided to stop trying to prove that I was worth it; to stop striving to be close to people who weren't even trying to know me for me, to be the best me. I started being actually left out of things I used to be a part of. I only got to see pictures of people having great fun without me not once, not twice and not even thrice. I'm not gonna lie, seeing those pictures made really sad, I felt so horrible, I felt all alone again. But I had to shake off those thoughts and think about my wonderful Friend God and the other three close friends not to mention the many others I made and be thankful for them.
Right now, I'm proud to say that I've moved on past the struggles of trying to fit in, accepting the cold hard truth and forgiving and forgetting. I'm still learning to be happy with where I'm at, who I am and value the people I care about and care about me and still being me but a better version and I must say, it's the most beautiful lesson ever.
So, if you ever find yourself in a situation like mine, instead of trying to fit in and be close to people who you deep down know don't care, try to Know yourself more and value the people who have actually shown that they care. The first person is God, He truly cares for you and wants to help you so get closer to Him. Get to Know Him more than you've ever known Him and He'll help you move on and also connect you with real and great friends. I hope you find true friends that care about you.
Thanks for reading😊
Thanks a lot I will