Identity Crisis in my Teenage

Article#4

March 23,2022

I grew up in a place where gender doesn't matter when it comes to work.Men and women can all be seen working in the field with equal level of tasks.

We are five siblings in the family with one brother and three sisters.I am second from the youngest.Having one male member in the family my father used to deligate to us equally all tasks in our rice fields like cleaning the "pilapil",throwing fertilizers to each stage of the rice growth,taking care of our carabao" Kadurang" after plowing, and pasturing our other cattles.

I used to play "balsa" in the water,tarzan in the bamboos, hide and seek in the green fields,hunting birds, spiders and even fruits of our neighbors, with my male cousins.I did enjoy moving like a boy and never realized they are all thorns and I'm the only rose.

I never knew before that a lady must put some facial powder,a little something fragrant like perfume in the clothes or even putting something basic in the under arm until I had my first menstruation period ,which become a phenomenal turning point of my teenage.I got self-pity.I wished I'm a boy.Added to my burden when my mother told me to stay away from guys because I'm now a grown up lady who can be an eligible mother if I should wish to.

I finished my secondary and college education being surrounded by lesbians and male friends.Being a lady initiator of one of the prominent fraternities in the campus even boosted my personality that I really want to remain "astig" and dress up like a boy.At night time I hang out with my "barkadas" in the streets with beer and smokes to complete the night.

I started to admire girls and been infatuated to few.Confusion came to me when there was a very persistent guy who woed me.I was infatuated too.Oh God,why am I attracted to both sexes?I started to ponder alone searching for an answers to my confusion.

God has been always good to me.I met a nun who invited me to join a "Live- in search in Seminar," a congregational program helping young ladies to discern on what they really want in life.That seminar helped me a lot by flashing back to me all my childhood pictures and how they affected my personality and point of views.

There are images of my sisters,cousins,aunties,friends and even my mother...being abused and cried for men.They were weak,helpless...and I don't want to be like them because believe I'm strong and wise.There was a part of me telling "I hate men."I will give men revenge in behalf of my loser girls beloved.But on the other side of me,I want to be a man so I won't be hurt like what I've witnessed to the ladies in our race.It's somewhat telling like,since I can't oppose them,I want to be part of them.

Thanks to the Presentation of Mary Sisters for being God's instrument in correcting my way of thinking.They saved me from the total life damage I'm supposed to choose in the future.My identity crisis was only caused by external factors.God's saving grace has restored me to His bossom.

Thank you for reading.Being a newbie here is like an egg newly hatched.Thanks to all friends who continuously give their support to my writings.Be with me in my next article which will reveal how I consider that being pretty is a consolation of being a woman.