Measuring our Conversations

This morning as I sat with my sons in our family consultation and prayer before starting the day, I spoke to them of the importance of tasting their words before sharing them.

Words, once spoken, cannot be recalled, and the implications for cruel words are severe. If there is anything that I have learned during my short time on this Earth, it is to be mindful of the things that you say, and mindful of the people that you say those things to.

From time to time, as we live, there are lessons that we must relearn. For many of us, this is very often one, but it is a critical lesson because the implications of the wrong words in the wrong ears can be devastating. Let's discuss.

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Are your words careless?

I wrote this a couple years ago and shared with my following on Instagram. I'm pleased to share it here with you.

Careless words are like birds with untrained wings. When they leave the nest, they'll fly, but you have no idea where or how they'll land.

I noted then that words, spoken carelessly or maliciously, can cause discord and can sometimes even destroy lives. And so, not only should we be mindful of the words we speak, we should also be discerning about the channels that we tap into and the words that we listen to.

Only Predators Lurk in the Shadows

Has someone ever approached you in private to speak ill of someone else?

In a professional setting, for example, someone may come to you under the guise of concern for your well being and then proceed to bad mouth another colleague. I do not respect this.

For me, if an allegation is to be made, bring it to the village square. In other words, if you have a concern about someone, then be prepared to declare it publicly and stand by it in the open. Thus, give the persons of whom you will speak ill the opportunity to defend themselves.

Creeping around behind someone's back is shady and does not say much for your integrity.

And, to me, this is a form of toxicity.

Toxicity is not found in noise, it's found in poisons, and some of the most dangerous poisons aren't easily detected.

Deceit is not Uncommon

If you have been the victim of duplicity, if your trust was destroyed, if someone worked overtime in the shadows to try to destroy you and per chance that someone was someone you trusted, take heart, you are not alone.

The unfortunate reality is that this trait is quite common with perpetrators cloaking their acts in sanctimony, pretending to be morally superior, when in truth, their hearts are dark.

History is scattered with the stories of great men and women who have suffered character attacks, smear attempts, and whispered secrets designed to destroy them.

In my country, there's a saying, one does not throw stones at a tree which is not bearing fruit. And so, if you have been the victim of character attacks, it's quite likely that those attacks are tinged with jealousy. If you know in your heart that you're doing something right, don't give up because of someone else's weak hate and desire to break you down, stay your course.

More so, if you have been approached by someone with a story to tell about another person that's malicious and cruel, then there's another saying, and the Bible talks about this: You will know them by their fruits.

Do not feed into toxicity, do not allow your own character to be stained by the malice of another.

While there's nothing wrong with giving an ear to advice, one would be foolish not to, how you treat with that advice reflects on you. My advice would be to: Be cautious but be fair and give the same grace to others that you would want to be given to you.

The Gatekeepers

This is something I say to my sons every morning, and it's actually a conversation I was proud to hear them discuss with each other on the weekend.

We were in the car and my youngest son was complaining about his friend to his brothers when his eldest brother said, "Why do you badmouth your friend so much?" And he went on to add, "If I must trash talk someone, I do it to their faces. If I must speak of them in their absence, I speak well of them or I don't speak of them at all."

Guys, I must say, listening to my son guide his brother, I felt soooo proud.

I have taught my sons to filter their words through the three gatekeepers, I am sure you have heard of them before, and I think they have been attributed to Buddhism.

• Are your words true?

• Are your words necessary?

• Are your words helpful and kind?

Sometimes when we speak ill of others, it is like lathering poison like jam on bread and serving this as a meal at our dining table, arguing that our words are true, insisting that they are necessary, and we might perhaps seek to find a loophole and say, well, it's a kindness to the people we are speaking to. Is it though?

If that's the way you feel, say it publicly then and give the accused the opportunity to defend themselves. Don't lurk in the shadows. Don't sharpen your teeth on the lives of another.

Closing Thoughts

Personally, I cannot respect sneaky and insidious character traits. And it's not just because my personality type is open. I don't think shyness or fear of confrontation should be used as an excuse.

I think it's best to nurture open and frank relationships, and so I do not give energy to whispered hate.

I was never the type to ascribe to group think. I like to think for myself, and I do not encourage gossip at the expense of another.

In fact, I've said it before in other spaces: If your conversation doesn't uplift your spirit, feed your soul, teach you new things, help you to grow, or elevate you, then shut it down.

But tell me, my friends, what are your views on this? Do you think that it's okay to warn someone else in secret about another if you're concerned for their wellbeing, without giving the person you're speaking ill of the chance to defend themselves?

And if someone comes to you like this to speak on someone else, what would your thoughts be?

Finally, if you are the subject of a character attack, how do you rise to the occasion?

I'd love to hear your thoughts on this.

Okay, my friends, it's a beautiful Monday morning in these parts, and I'm about to begin the school run. I do hope that you have an amazing day. All the best until we connect again.