This is an article to help some of us struggling or finding it difficult to cope with a breakup or breakups.
Break up is not the end of life and to those that are in wrong relationships wanting to breakup but still considering one thing or the other, come over here, let's learn.
How many people will agree with me that there is difference between "break up" and "heartbreak" ?
You can break a relationship and not be heartbroken, you can be heartbroken and not break a relationship, you can break a relationship or experience breakup and be heartbroken.
A relationship breakup, or simply just breakup,is the termination of an intimate relationship by any means other than death. The act is commonly termed "dumping [someone]" in slang when it is initiated by one partner.
The term is less likely to be applied to a married couple, where a breakup is typically called a separation or divorce. When a couple engaged to be married breaks up, it is typically called a "broken engagement".
There’s that old saying that “breaking up is hard to do.” Well, not only is it hard to do, but it’s hard to handle the aftermath and the emotional complications that burp up out of us when we’re in such a vulnerable state.
How to know wrong relationships?
Briefly, One of the sure ways to know a wrong relationship is when God is not involve. Some people will say God will not talk to everybody but I tell you He has a way of talking to you if you have a relationship with Him.
John 10:14 says, I am the good shepherd, and know my sheep, and am known of mine. If you intentionally create a good relationship with God, He will tell you not only about your marriage but about your life generally. You can't hear God about some issues if you don't have relationship with him.
Another way to know a wrong relationship is in the book of . 2Corinthians 6:14 , "Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?" The above scripture is not only referring to people that are not practising the same religion but referring to people having total contradicting mentality about life.
When you're always having issues with agreement on some things,it is a red flag that the foundation of such relationship is faulty. If your partner believes in marrying more than one wife or better still have profitable side chicks, which contradicts your own belief, then you're already unequally yoked.
If you're in an abused relationship, you're unequally yoked. Abuse include, physical, domestic and sexual abuse. Don't say I love him or her. Don't say he was the one that desflowered me so I must marry him.
Don't sign your death certificate before marriage. 1Thessalonians 5:22 says "Abstain from all appearance of evil". To abstain means to refrain deliberately. It doesn't have to be evil. It only need to appear like evil. When you're seeing red flags in your relationship, it is an indication that you're in a wrong one.
You should attract who will reason like you not the other way round. Marry your mate in everything,I'm not talking about age.
How to break wrong or difficult relationships
After knowing you're in a wrong relationship, you need to know how to break it.
The Spiritual point of view. Pray about it: Ask God to help you break difficult relationships. There are relationship that are stony and bony that vividly requires the help of God.
And since the heart of Kings and princes are in God's hand,ask God to help you and He will give you the wisdom on how to go about it.
The physical or social point of view. Breakups are also difficult because they’re as unique as the relationships that spawn them. Giving advice on breakups can be complicated because breakups are contextual.
We have the
spiritual context
medical context
parental context
societal context.
The spiritual context is a situation where it has been confirmed that both parties are not divinely meant to be together.
The medical context is a situation where partners are not allowed to be together because of some medical conditions that might have adverse effect in future.
The parental context is a situation where parents or parent are against the engagement.
The societal context is the common one. It is situation where one party feels having another person as a partner will be better and thereby cause heartbreak for the other person.
For instance, I would never advise anyone to break up with someone through a text message, but at the same time, I’ve done it when someone went crazy on me and I thought it was appropriate.
The key to a graceful break up and a healthy recovery depends on a variety of factors.
Are you the dumper or the dumpee?
Did you break up over a singular issue or was the chemistry and excitement gone?
Were things emotionally turbulent for a long time or did things just suddenly ‘snap’?
And then there are the more permanent questions:
Do you want to stay in contact with your ex?
How do you get over missing them?
What if they want to get back together with you?
Breakup is a wide concept, we can not handle it the same way because the experiences are not the same just like marriage, there are no particular rules to a successful marriage, you just have to learn, relearn and unlearn everyday and allow the Holy Spirit help you to be wise.
I will give some general rules on how to break wrong and difficult relationships, I hope it will help some of us that are experiencing this.
So, How to break wrong or difficult relationships?
1. Don't break up when you're angry, breakup when you're settled and calm.
2) You might end up saying things that are not expected and end up hurting yourself or your partner.
3) Never make a scene and keep your anger or feeling to a minimum.
4) Feeling distraught is OK. Being torn apart from the inside out is fine and expected. Wishing fiery hell and brimstone onto your ex and feeling the urge to dismantle their life and everything they hold piece-by-piece isn’t totally out of the ordinary either. But any attempt to do so is going to just make you look like a child throwing a tantrum.
5) Control yourself, grieve and express your pain, but don’t do anything stupid. Do it in private and do it with someone you trust.
6) Do NOT try to make the other person feel better. This goes particularly for the dumper. Once the relationship is severed, the other person’s emotions are no longer your responsibility. And not only is it no longer your responsibility to help them cope, but comforting them will likely make them feel worse. It can also backfire in that it will just make them resent you more for being so nice (while dumping them).
7) And for God’s sake, don’t have sex with them. This is particular to those that are already defiling the bed. Seriously, you just broke up. They’re crying and saying how much they’re going to miss you. You hug them to make them feel better.
You start getting upset because you wish things could have worked, but this is for the better. Suddenly you’re tearing up and wondering why you’re dumping them in the first place, because you, remember when things were good? They were great, right? Then the clothes are off and one of you is crying and smiling and suddenly the sex is more passionate than it’s been in a year and a half and what the fuck, what are you doing?
No, really, what are you doing!? Stop!
And it will do you a lot of good if you zero your mind about sex till you're married.
Some people that find it difficult to do this always have issues in their marriages, that is when you start hearing stories of a married man or woman going back to their exs.
8) After the breakup, respectfully cut all contact for a short period of time. This is the second thing that many people don’t muster the courage to do.
A lot of people get hung up on remaining friends and actually force contact when it’s causing them more emotional stress.
I'm not saying you should delete numbers that has been crammed and can be retrieved from your brain like some do but avoid reaching your ex especially when the breakup is still fresh.
Research on relationship breakups finds that people who limit contact with one another emotionally recover much faster. Not only is it totally reasonable to refrain from seeing/speaking to each other for a brief period of time, but it’s healthy.
The more contact you’re in, the more risk you run of setting off an emotional time bomb, relapsing, and ending up in that messy no-man’s land of “we’re not together, but we’re still kind of together, but we’re definitely not boyfriend and girlfriend. I’m going to call really quick to check in, but seriously we’re not together — why are you looking at me like that?” And other emotional nonsense.
9) Avoid breaking up with someone in public if possible do it in person to avoid social embarrassment. The person can react anyhow. How will you feel if you share the news in public and people gathering to ask what you've done to him/her. You might end up retrieving your breakup speech as you will be pitied by reactions and actions.
10) Talk to somebody about it.
This one may seem obvious, but make sure you do it. If this is a particularly serious relationship, talk to a trusted friend or family member or a relationship expert before making the decision.
And then take whatever advice they give you seriously. We are often poor observers of our own relationships, but our friends and relationship experts can see how its affecting us better than we can.
How to get over Breakup?
Rebuild your self esteem: If your partner initiated the breakup, question the areas you're lagging behind. Add value to yourself and focus on what you value about yourself. Don't judge yourself about the qualities you don't possess rather add value to the values you possess.
Take a realistic walk down memory lane. Reminiscing good times you two had will help forget the bad parts.
Hold on to the things that helps you feel grounded, don't stop attending classes or church because you're heartbroken. Do the expected things and stop making a fool of yourself.
Social media Detox: Detoxifying yourself from social media is not the solution. Unfollowing your former partner isn't enough to rid your social media their presence. In that case, you should limit your social media use until you're matured enough to handle the oppression.
Stop posting your feelings online for everyone to see, for example:
'Men are wicked'
I'm heartbroken
My present situation is not the end of the world, I will scale through.
All these are childish and it won't add any value to you. You should act maturely and not childishly announcing what you're passing through to the world
You may allow yourself to be sad/angry/upset but don’t judge or blame anyone. And you may allow yourself to be happy and joyous but that is also a choice.
Emotions are healthy and normal. Even negative emotions are healthy and normal. But judging and blaming people, whether it’s them or you, doesn’t get you very far.
This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t distinguish good/bad behavior or good/bad choices.Learning from your errors and what went wrong in your relationship will go a long way to helping you move on.
I was really messed up about my first serious relationship. I harbored a lot of resentment because he left me for a stupid reason. The second serious relationship I had left me for another lady with the excuse that he was trapped and came after two weeks to beg for forgiveness. I didn’t really start to get over it until I came to terms with all of the ways that he was not meant for me in the first place. That was my first time I sincerely ask God about the right or wrong person. And God told me that the man won't allow me do the assignment He(God) has purposed for me.
Once I realized that I wasn’t such a perfect angel and he wasn't my last man standing or perfect gentle man and that I wasn’t completely the victim, then it was easier to come to terms with what happened and let go of them.
Start by recognizing that maybe they weren’t as great as you thought and there really were some things you didn’t like. Recognize the things you didn’t do well and how you could have been a better partner.
But don’t blame them or trash them as people. Everyone goes into a relationship with the best of intentions. Most people come out of them feeling hurt and betrayed in some way.
Most people come out having messed up royally somewhere along the way. There’s nothing uniquely horrible about you or that one person. Just learn from the mistakes and move on.
Recognize that the break up itself is a sign of your incompatibility and you’re both better off. Here’s something that grates on me: people who just got out of a relationship and lament that “he/she and I were perfect together.” Obviously you weren’t. Otherwise, you’d still be together.
While we do all have perceptual biases for remembering things better than they were, it’s important to remind oneself that you broke up for a reason. And often that reason is a very good reason. And for those of you still holding onto that one special ex's, months or years later: stop. If they were right for you, they would have realized it by now. You’re deluding yourself. Move on.
Invest in yourself: The most important post-breakup advice on the planet is to invest in rebuilding your personal identity. Rediscover your old hobbies. Focus double on work. Start that new project you’ve been putting off for months.
And most of all, spend time with good friends. Evil communication corrupt good manners. Your friends will not only reassure you and make you feel better in the moment, but they will also help you reinforce your own personal identity again.
Friendship is the best medicine for heartbreak. Good friends oo not corrupt ones that will pour more sand in your garri.
Don't enter a rebound so fast: Only start dating again when you’re legitimately excited to. A lot of people break up and enter a “rebound” period. They’re immediately back on the market and throwing themselves at the first thing that comes by.
I call this "throw of affection". This is worst than breakup especially when the person stops giving you the expected attention. I once experienced this and I ended up blaming myself. Because it was not appreciated which helped me back to my senses.
The problem is this is more of a coping mechanism than genuine enthusiasm for the new people one’s meeting. You can tell because the new connections you make feel complicated and lacking. Anxiety and desperation come back with a vengeance, and overall the process of meeting someone new is far less enjoyable.
After you break contact and invest in yourself, don’t pressure yourself to meet someone new until you’re legitimately excited to do it.
There’s a difference between excitement and desperation. Desperation is feeling alone and incomplete without dating someone — like you need to be with someone to be happy. Excitement is being genuinely excited to discover what’s out there and feeling fine regardless of what happens. Besides, when you’re excited to meet new people and are in a good place emotionally, you are far more attractive anyway. It’s worth it.
Only attempt to be friends with your ex again once you’re over the idea of dating them. Some people have the admirable goal of remaining friends with their ex. Other people have the admirable goal of breaking the kneecaps of their ex with a tire iron.
We still hear of married that have affairs with their ex's, when you know your ex is better than your spouse, why go into the marriage. This is call outright infidelity.
“closure”
Delete the idea of closure. You know real life doesn’t play out like a rom-com, yet you may find yourself wishing you experienced a dramatic break-up, like a “He cheated on me” or “She was secretly in love with her best friend” scenario in order to move on. Unfortunately what tends to happen is that two people slowly drift apart, and after the split, one of you is left wondering, why?? One thing you need to understand is that underneath the desperate need for closure is a desire to get back together.
The healthy thing to do is accept that you simply weren’t meant to be together. If the other person isn’t able to articulate why they no longer want to be with you, tell yourself that the fact that your former partner couldn’t commit, or didn’t love you enough, is all the explanation you need to properly close that chapter.
“The subtext of those explanations are ‘I deserve someone who can commit,’ ‘I deserve someone who can love me enough,’ and ‘I deserve somebody who appreciates everything about me.’”
Lastly, things that worsen breakup are:
1: Actively seeking out the other person.
2. Thinking dating app will make you feel better. This is one if the most stupid thing to do. I've been there before I can tell you its nonsense.
3. Comparing your experience with others. You guys are not the same.
4. Asking too many people for advice. And lots more.
In conclusion, failed relationships will help you appreciate the right one, don't give up and don't commit suicide, better days are ahead and the right person will appreciate you.
Thank you for reading, God bless you. I hope some of us I've gained one or two things in this article.
Waoh.... How do you know am experiencing this right now 🤔🤔 thanks for your article dear.... I will follow all the hints.. they are a great secret