His vices

Today I thought it was just like another day which will ends normally. But tonight I am hiding myself, holding my tears but end up losing. I feel them running, racing down my checks, and I feel myself shaking. My heart is beating fast like I run in a marathon. It is my trauma again. My nervous breakdown came back.

It was started long time ago, when father came home late in the evening. He is drunk and lose himself, his so wasted and screaming of his anger and regrets in life, of how he is so tired of our life, of our poor situation. He throw anything he could see near him. He never raise hands to us, but he punched the wall and kicked them. Putting all his force and his anger. He screams of how he hated our life so much. How he gave his best to everything he do but still was never ever enough to elevate our poor situation. He never raise his hands but his words that hurt more than physical pain. He have lots of regrets, to us, to God to our life in general. That's the words that I keep hearing and scenarios that I keep on witnessing whenever he came home drunk. Yes, it is not just ones, twice or trice but constant and it became his vices. But no, I never get used to it. It made my nervous breakdown worst every single time.

For me as her daughter it is the most painful word that he planted in my heart. Words that constantly break me, I am so broken and that I asked lots of questions like;

"Have he ever felt happy that we are his family? Have he ever felt contentment?"

I understand how he had hard times too, because he is the one who sacrificed, sheltered, provide and protected this family. That's what father do right? But why did I feel so much pain? Is it because he constantly nagging and ranting of how this life give him so much pain and hard time? Is it not the father duty? Is it not done out of love for us? Is it done because of responsibility?

When he got his operation and miraculously survived. I thought he would end his vices. I thought he would burry it long before it would burry him.

But.....

tonight he came home drunk again. I wasn't expecting it because the last time was years ago. And here I am again, shaking, crying and hiding myself. My nervous breakdown never left me. The scenario that he always play is also present today that also triggers more my trauma. The words that he always scream and rant never got replaced. What makes this day different is I am now the reason of his pain, fully aware and fully hurt.

I am hurt because I am one of the reason he is ranting and tired in life. He do everything for me just to graduate college. I know my scholarship was never enough and I am not blind not to see his hardwork and sacrifice. I am more than in pain because I am the cause of his pain and hardships but I am not able to pay him back. It was 2 years since I graduated but I don't have stable job yet. I am in so much pain and more than that today because I understand him. I understand why he has his vices. I understand why he needs to forget life for a moment through his vices. I know he don't want it in the first place but that's where he finds comfort to all his discomfort in life. That's where he could laugh and forget problems for a while.

I understand now.

I am so guilty and pitied him so much. Seeing him just like that, wasted, crying and in devastating self, breaks myself thousand and millions of pieces. My tears right now is the only thing that's with me as I released the excruciating pain inside. I pity him, he is more broken than me, in such a long time.

Today and the days to come will be different. I promised myself, I would give father a happy life. I would give him a better life. I would give him easier life. A life that would make him never to do vices anymore just to escape his fate and his pain.

"Pa, please endure a little longer for I am making ways to get you a better life, a life full of happiness and away from pain, I promise."

A whisper from a heart that never speaks her love. A heart from a daughter that is more than willing to do her best to give you better life.

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I apologize for having this raw and messy article. I just wanted to have some outlet of my ranging emotions tonight. Thank you for reading. I appreciate it.

I appreciate to all of you who upvoted my previous articles @Pantera @Musso@Zhyne06 @Davinchysax @Eunoia @leejhen @Jane @gertu13 @JonicaBradley

I feel that I am welcome and I have someone who listen to me without judgement, thus I prefer to share this here. Thank you so much.