Can I ever be happy?

A couple of months back I had graduated from university with a degree in English and Political Science. At that time, I wanted to completely avoid the current recession by continue studying, this wasn’t necessarily a ‘cop-out’ because I always held the intent to further my studies.

But that never happened.

Why? Because of every student’s greatest enemy – student fees. You see I had a government bursary that was amazing. That thing paid for everything, living expenses, accommodation, food, and even extra spending money, but it was run by the government. And, as many of you should realize, governments screw up a lot. And, unfortunately, I was one of the unfortunates few that got absolutely screwed by the Government as they had failed to pay my university roughly 1138.43 USD.

Now, I realize that for some of you in America that may seem like a miniscule amount in the grand scheme of student debt. But, in my country, that is an insane amount of money and because the government had failed to properly pay my debt – I did not receive my ‘degree’. That isn’t to say I didn’t graduate, I did, but what I don’t possess is the actual degree.

Which meant I was fucked.

Without a degree I could not continue my studies, made it exceptionally difficult to find work, and really messed me up. Like it really messed me up mentally. I was already prone to depression, but the lack of income was just killing me. I went to interview after interview searching for a job but got nowhere. I went for interviews to pack shelves – wasn’t employed.

Until I was.

Yes, I found employment at a local community radio station. At first it was a blessing. You’re in a new job, you’re learning new things and you have all these wonderful ideas floating in your brain. Then three months pass and I slowly began to hate my job. Mostly because of the 9 to 5 work environment, the absolutely abhorrent management, my OT not being paid, and, most importantly, I didn’t feel that the effort I was putting In was appreciated.

Now, I realize, and I agree, this seems like I’m ungrateful. And that leads me back to the question of this post: ‘Can I ever be happy’? It seems like a stupid question but it’s one that has been plaguing my mind for the past couple of months.

You see, I wanted this job. I really did and when I got it – I slowly began to hate it. You must comprehend that I am not just working a nine to five here, I wake up at 4am, get to work at 6, and work sometimes till 5pm, only to return home at 6pm. At one point I was doing this for a week straight, and I worked literally 15 days straight. I got nothing from those hours, no overtime and not a simple ‘pat on the back’.

I’m just burnt out. I’ve only been here like six months but the toll on my mental is insane. And nobody seems to comprehend it. I’ve tried to get another job, maybe find a different source of income, to no avail. The reality is that conditions in the economy are shit, in my country especially.

I am at a point where I’ve debated my own sanity. Am I just ungrateful? Should I just work these insane hours, and suck it up, for measly pay? Is this just how things are? At this point the questions and mental toll have amounted to me just ‘giving up’. I come to work, I do my job, I go home, I smoke cigarettes, I get high – repeat. I’ve just accepted my situation as it currently stands.

I hope it gets better. I pray it does, but that doesn’t mean it will. Everything I try doesn’t mean that reality will suddenly change, right?

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