The badass naked chef

July 4th 2021

Hello readers and for those of you that celebrate the American Independence today, Happy Independence is that the correct greeting, well I hope so. To everyone else I hope you are or going to have a Happy Sunday. Will this be Bitin? I sincerely hope so and I hope you enjoy!

Without further ado this is the fourth in the series Ben MacDuff - Homecoming

If you have missed the first three, here they are :

Chapter 1 Ben MacDuff - Homecoming

Chapter 2 Nanay Ate and Uncle Po - Say What!

Chapter 3 Woo Woo ~ I know you!

Please do leave any feedback whether it be good or not so good.

Chapter 4

Archie suddenly sat up on the bed and looked at the bookcase by the record player and started reminiscing to himself.

‘Oxford English Dictionary’, ‘Collins English Spanish Dictionary’, ‘Cambridge Latin English Dictionary’, ‘Barrows 501 French Verbs’, ‘Compact Collins Russian Dictionary’ and many more language books on the bottom two shelves.

‘A Classless Society: Britain in the nineties’, ‘The anti-politics Machine’, ‘Heroes of the ‘90s – People and Money. The modern history of Russian Capitalism’, ‘Chinese Politics in the Xi Jinping Era: Reassessing Collective Leadership’ and so many other political books on the top two shelves.

Archie got up, and ran his fingers over them, thinking how outdated so many of them were now, the World has moved on at a frightening pace over the last twenty years. Archie had graduated Edinburgh University with a double first in Modern languages and International Politics. This coupled with the fact that Archie had attended a prestigious public school had brought him to the attention of the British Civil Service, in particular the Secret Intelligence Service, and that is where his cover of International Art Dealer was born. He had been tapped up by MI6 and been on their radar since he started University.

He leant over and picked up his copy of Delia Smiths Complete Cookery course from his old wooden desk. Inscribed on the first page was:

“To my darling Archie,

And the biggest badass naked chef!

Enjoy your first term at university.

All my love, M xxx”

In his brief return home, he had so far managed to avoid thinking of Moira until now. This was the book she had given him as he had driven off in his burgundy with cream upholstery cabriolet Jaguar XJSC to his digs in Morningside, Edinburgh on a sunny September morning many moons ago.

Morningside used to be one of the posher areas in Edinburgh, and it is even where JK Rowling resided at one point.

Archie loved to cook, but never really used recipes, he just saw something and threw things together, one benefit of having a photographic memory, which he often regaled to his adoring dinner recipients. However, it had made Moira feel chuffed, picking out a complete cookbook so he could look after himself, so he took it from her with a massive smile and thanked her with a big hug and a long deep smoldering kiss on her soft warm lips. He drove off seeing a tearful Moira in his rearview mirror. Upon reflection and in hindsight that was probably the beginning of the end for Archie and Moira. Ach the Monster that was Moira!

A knock at the door snapped Archie out of his maudlin state.

“It’s open” cried Archie, Uncle Po popped his head round the door and said to Archie.

“Time for dinner Archie”

“Ok on my way Po” Archie responded, and proceeded to slip his shoes back on and then followed Uncle Po down the stairs. They went all the way through to the Kitchen, where Archie saw Nanay Ate stirring a pot on top of one of the Aga stoves.

“Archie, I thought we would eat in here as it is just the three of us, and I have made one of your favourites. Po, please get us each a glass of water, and Archie you sit down right here and let me serve up” said Nanay Ate.

Archie sat on the wooden bench, looking around the kitchen he noticed a few more electrical appliances than there were when he was last here twenty years ago. Good he thought, I do not need Nanay Ate killing herself by doing too much by hand, he remembered it took her forever to actually use a washing machine and stop washing clothes by hand.

Nanay Ate opened the big door on the middle of the Aga stove, and pulled out a big platter full of BBQ spareribs, what she had said was completely right, this was Archie’s favourite starter.

“Tuck in Archie” said Nanay Ate with a beaming smile. Chinese style barbequed pork spareribs in sauce were Archie’s favourite since he had been a boy, and he had a rib in each hand.

“Ya wee superstar Nanay Ate” said Archie with sauce already dripping down his chin. With a mischievous grin, she said “Your father always told me to have a big bag handy for when the Prodigal Son returned home, and today was that day! But… I don’t have much in the house for a main course, so just what Po and I were going to have. It is Pork adobo, nothing special” Nanay Ate burst into laughter as Uncle Po and especially Archie joined in the laughter too. Pork adobo is a typical Filipino dish comparable to a tasty stew in the UK, something you can knock up quickly and very tasty and filling.

Nothing special was an in joke, that Archie’s mother had used to describe a spaghetti bolognaise on holiday whilst she had been suffering from dementia. With wonderful seafood on the menu, which she adored, she was adamant that she didn’t like seafood and that she wanted spaghetti bolognaise. After everyone had eaten their delicious seafood, her dish had still not arrived. When her food finally arrived, she queried why she had received this and not seafood, when she had ordered seafood. When she had finished, she was asked how her spaghetti was, to which she replied with the now infamous ’Oh, it was nothing special!’ comment.

Dinner was full of stories from the old days, with all three of them having tears of joy in their eyes at some point during the evening. Once dinner was over, Nanay Ate got up to clear the dishes and turned to Uncle Po.

“Po, as this is such a special day, we should have a treat, ngayon go get that bottle Wilson brought last time he was here and pour us each a small glass.”

Uncle Po got up, left the room and appeared a couple of minutes later carrying a bottle of Lambanóg. This is the national drink of The Philippines and is commonly described as coconut wine or coconut vodka. Chuckling away, Uncle Po said proudly

“Archie my buddy this is second distillation, Wilson done us proud, look it is 166 proof! Haha one glass no more or we be crawling all the way to bed!”

Pouring out three glasses Archie handed a glass each to Nanay Ate and Uncle Po. They all clinked glasses and gave the bisaya filipino language version of Cheers “Mabuhi!” Ben scrunched his face.

“Wow, what a kick on that Lambanóg, you are so right, Wilson did well, when was he last here?” inquired Ben.

“Aww Archie” said Nanay Ate in a high-pitched alcohol induced pout, “We were going to tell you about this tomorrow, can you wait until then please? Now I feel sleepy suddenly, so need bed, Po take me please, and Archie, we see you bright and early at six for breakfast back here. Sige Po, ngayon! Good night Archie”. Uncle Po helped Nanay Ate out of her chair and interlocked his arm with hers. With a wink at Archie, he navigated Nanay Ate out of the kitchen. Archie got up and proceeded to clean up the kitchen and do the dishes. After a little while he was finished, and the kitchen was as clean as he could ever get it. He turned out the lights and left the kitchen. As he walked into the atrium, the front door opened and in walked a middle-aged couple. Presumably more AirBnB guests Archie thought to himself.

“Good evening” he said to the couple.

“Howdi partner” came the slightly slurred reply from the potbellied American with a southern drawl. “We just went to that little watering hole down the road for a night cap, but they kept buying us drinks.”

“No, you silly pumpkin, it was you buying the whole place drinks” pipped up the middle aged platinum dyed blonde teetering on far too high stilettos for a walk into town.

“Y’all real friendly round these parts” continued the American male.

“Yes” replied Archie, “I believe we call it our Highland Hospitality, however, I must bid you good night, I have had rather a long day.

“Good night mister” the American coupled replied in unison. With that Archie climbed up the stairs and headed back to his room.

“Honey take your shoes off dahling, the noise is killing me” bellowed the drunken American male.

Archie got into his room as fast as he could. Judging by the man’s Cajun drawl, Archie reckoned the couple were from Louisiana, he would find out in the morning he was sure of that. He turned to the desk, and picked up the old radio, tuning it in to the first station with a reasonable reception. It turned out to be Radio Scotland with Nicola Meighan. Archie pulled out his phone from his jacket top pocket, and selecting the alarms app, set two alarms, one for 5.20am and the other one for 5.15am. Force of habit made Archie set the alarms, even though he knew his body clock would ensure he would be awake at least by five am. Slowly undressing, he stood naked in front of the mirror. He looked himself up and down and decided he was still in pretty good shape, perhaps he should find a local gym while he was here though, and a have swim or two in the loch. He had never been one for tattoos, he reasoned that his body was more than marked enough, with numerous scars as mementoes of his trade as called them. Archie collapsed backwards on the bed and before he knew it was out for the count.

To be continued ....

Thank you for reading.

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