Am I a Blessing or Just a Burden?

There are a lot of things that keep running out of my mind. Thoughts and feelings that I need to figure out. And there’s a question that’s bothered me somehow “Am I a blessing, or just a burden?”

Years have passed, and my emotions are being invalid because of the things and circumstances that surround me. I can’t even express my feelings and say the word that keeps bothering me in my heart and mind.

Others may see me happy but only a few know what insides me. They know the struggles; they know the pain that I have been struggling with and the heartbreaks that I have been fighting. I can’t even say what are things that make me happy, but I’m craving for peace.

I’m craving for peace…

 I’m craving for peace that keeps my heart unease. Even now and then, I’m always looking for the place where I belong. I’m searching for a place where I can call my home and my comfort zone. I’m seeking a place where I can run when everything was falling. My heart was searching, searching for love.

I’m searching for love…

I’m searching for love that my heart could bring back to life. My heart was shattered and deeply wounded by the words that feel like a knife. The heart beats fast and frightened that caused by the hundreds of storms. All my life I’ve been trying to prove the hundred percent of my sincerity for all the people that I’ve loved without even asking for any response. But despite everything, I make sure that I give all what I’ve got and take all the risks. There are also times that I’m finding an argument.

 I’m finding for an argument…

I’m finding an argument that I can defend myself. I’m searching for an argument where I can shout everything that insides me. I’m praying for a time that even once I can prove everything that I have and show the true feelings that I’ve been hiding for so long.

But when the time that I found my happiness, that’s the moment again that I keeps asking myself Am I worthy to have this? As I welcome new people, new things, and new changes and growth, I always end up thinking about the possibilities and complications as I let them enter my life. Especially for the people who share love and happiness with me, Am I worthy of their love?

I’m worried about all of my uncertainty and afraid of everything that I can’t control. The more selfishness I get the damage to someone’s heart and life gets worst. And the more I get attached, the more he/she gets broken. But the more I force myself to forget the more I can’t let go but hold back. I foresee the beautiful possibilities of their lives without me, and I know that their lives get better without me too, but here I am, enclosing them within my heart and disregarding all these possibilities and beyond. And this keeps me thinking, am I a blessing, or just a burden?