Teenage secrets

The good dealings of the educator - whether a father or a teacher - with any teenager is based on the extent of the educator's awareness and knowledge and surrounding him with two important matters:  his characteristics in the stage of adolescence and his psychological and social needs.  

If the background of the educator is strong in knowing the characteristics of growth for this adolescent and what is characterized by him at this stage, then he has knowledge of his basic needs (psychological and social) and how to achieve them and satisfy them, then this is one of the greatest keys to success in dealing with the teenager and raising him properly.

 Dr. Mustafa Abu Saad says: (The origin of all behavior is an internal drive and a psychological need). 

 By basic needs, we mean those needs that must be provided to any teenager in order to grow up in a stable, calm and balanced upbringing, and until his personality grows moderately, and most of the time the adolescent's deviant behaviors are only seeking to satisfy some of his basic needs. 

Among the most important needs that the teenager strives - and strongly - to satisfy is his obtaining appreciation and respect from others, as well as the need for self-affirmation, and we will address how the educator satisfies these two needs when dealing with the teenager:

First: Feeling appreciated, respected and accepted by others:

Every person loves to feel accepted and respected by others, otherwise he will feel that he is outcast and has no place among them, and the teenager needs to take into account this feeling he has in a very large way in order to grow in a stable and balanced state.

He looks at himself through the eyes of his parents first and through the eyes of his educator secondly, and if we make him feel that he is respectful and acceptable, then he lives with this feeling. Lack of respect.

The Messenger of God, may God’s prayers and peace be upon him, drew for us the most wonderful examples of respecting and appreciating the young men and not diminishing their worth and stature. Al-Bukhari and Muslim reported on the authority of Sahl bin Saad, may God be pleased with him, that the Messenger of God, may God’s prayers and peace be upon him, brought a drink and drank from it, and on his right is a boy and on his left the sheikhs. Then he said to the boy, "Will you allow me to give them?" So the boy said: No, by God, O Messenger of God, I do not give my advice to anyone, so let him - that is, put him - the Messenger of God, may God bless him and grant him peace, is in his hand.

 So see, my brother, the educator, and contemplate this story, and you can marvel at how the Messenger, the great leader - may God bless him and grant him peace - asks a young boy, and even presents him to the elders of the Companions. Beside Muhammad, may God bless him and grant him peace, it is even more amazing that he was on his right, because all this indicates the greatness of the Chosen One, may God’s prayers and peace be upon him, in revering and respecting young people, and not disdaining them, and it also indicates that this respect and appreciation is a familiar matter in the society of the Companions and therefore it was not surprising That this young boy sits in that dignified assembly, not as we do in our majlis where it is impossible for the child to advance in the adult council, but sometimes we do not allow him to just sit in a council in which there are older men, let alone be close to the front of the council. There is no doubt that this dealings This teenager will have a weak feeling of appreciation, respect and acceptance from others.

Here, my brother, educator, are some of the means that achieve this need for a teenager:

1- Praise and praise : He mentioned the teenager's good deeds, focusing on his positives and praising them in front of others, which makes him feel accepted and respected by everyone.

2- Accepting the adolescent’s abilities and potentials as they are while trying to develop them : What parents and educators should take into account is that each teenager has his abilities, energies and potentials that God has given him, so we must accept them from him and be content with and praise them, then we seek to develop and improve them. 

3- Nickname: The nickname for the Arabs is an expression of respect, reverence and appreciation. It is recommended that you choose a beautiful nickname for the teenager with whom you deal with him after you consult with him about it. Abu Amir, what did Al-Nughayer do? The hadith was narrated by the two sheikhs. 

4 - Keeping away from the abundance of criticism and reprimand: For a lot of that leads to a feeling of inadmissibility, and criticism is required, but in an appropriate amount and without exaggeration. Adolescence Gate - He did not increase his blame, reproach and criticism, and Anas, may God be pleased with him, describes that and says: “Whatever he used to say to me for something I did, I did not do it, nor for something I did not do, I did not do it,” narrated by the two sheikhs. 

5 - Abandoning insults and contempt - especially in front of others including his brothers, friends or relatives - and in fact the method of insulting and contempt does not have anything to do with the teachings of Islam, rather it is not part of the human character in anything, so it is not appropriate for educators, whether parents or teachers, to insult Or they despise any of the adolescents, whatever the reason, and this method is abhorrent and there is no benefit in it for his parents, but it inherits a feeling of contempt and lack of acceptance from educators.

6- Abandoning the comparison of a teenager with others : Drawing positive models and bright images for the teenager and asking him to emulate them is a commendable matter, but on the condition that it is not in the way of diminishing the identity of the teenager and that we move away as much as possible from comparing him with others from his brothers, colleagues, friends and relatives, because this may make him feel inferior and also may He feels hate for those we compare him with, so it is better to mention to him the positive qualities that we want him to have, to remind him of examples from the lives of his ex-companions or others, and to move away from comparing him to others.

If we provide the teenager with a treatment that is full of respect and appreciation, this has a great role in stabilizing his psyche and personality in the future of his life, as for depriving him of a feeling of acceptance and respect from those around him, this has many negative effects ... including:

• Personal weakness and weak ability to express an opinion.

• Low self-confidence and a feeling of inferiority.

• Feeling hatred and hatred for others, because those around him made him feel that society does not accept him or respect him.

• Poor ability to establish successful social relationships.

Second: the need for a sense of self-realization: 

This is because the adolescent - and any person in general - loves and needs to feel that he has an existence and an entity, and that he has a clear and important value in his small community - which is the family - or in his large, large society, and there is no doubt that satisfying this need in the adolescent's self has a great positive return This makes his personality grow in harmony and stability, and depriving him of it has negative effects, such as a feeling of inferiority and low self-confidence, which may lead to constant sadness and depression.

What leads to satisfying this need is that the teenager feels that he is capable of achievement, as well as feels that he has a special and important position with those around him - especially his parents and teachers - and educators can satisfy this important need with the following:

1- Listening, listening, and turning to a teenager with interest and focus when he talks or reports about something, even if it is not important to you - educator - but it is very important for a teenager.

2- Giving him a sufficient opportunity to express his opinion on any topic that is brought up for discussion, or when witnessing situations or passing events at home, on the street, at school, or anywhere else. 

3- Consultation in decision-making: whether it is his own, or his family and family matters, or even what may be related to the father or mother sometimes, this makes him feel his importance and social standing. 

 4- Assigning him to some work that is appropriate for his age, so that he is able to do them and thus he can accomplish them, which increases his sense of self-realization, and it has been said: (the value of a person is what he accomplishes). 

5 - Participate in the completion of his work, but do not accomplish it on his behalf, and the basic principle is to let the teenager depend on himself even in minor matters, and sometimes he may find difficulty or obstacles in some matters, so we do not immediately end them, but rather help and cooperate with him in achieving them. 

6- Giving him a measure of freedom in choosing his personal things: We do not interfere too much with that, but we try to make him feel that he is the decision-maker.

* By satisfying these needs, the educator can establish a positive educational relationship with the teenager, break many barriers, and overcome many of the adolescents ’problems that arise when searching for the satisfaction of these needs, but in a wrong manner.