How do I choose my life partner: 5 traits that guarantee you a happy married life

When a relationship goes smoothly, it's easy to act with kindness and understanding, but what about times of conflict?

Lately I've been thinking about the way I used to act in (previous) courtship days, before learning about the science of emotions and attachment.

I was rough with my fiancé.

When the relationship was running smoothly, it was easy to act kindly and understanding. But during times of conflict (which are many at that time), such as when my fiancé wanted to be alone for a few days instead of calling me every hour, or going on a trip with his friends instead of taking me ... I used to take his actions on a personal level.

I was angry and sometimes saying bad things, which I would always regret later.

I was speaking in an extreme fashion: “You never do (sic)!” Or "You always do (sic)!"

Then, through my training as a couples and individual psychologist, I learned the power and value of positive communication.

What I learned changed my personal life

Romantic relationships are a challenge for everyone. No matter how passionate exchanged spouses look on Facebook, and no matter how many pictures (My husband is my life .. My fiancé is the air that I breathe ...) that you see to your friends, there is no engagement or marriage relationship free of problems.

This is due to two completely opposite facts :

1. We all have innate needs for love, care, and attention that, when not met, trigger the underlying emotions of anger and sadness in the brain. Over time, we can defend against these needs in several ways. But this does not mean that feelings do not occur. We have just prevented them from conscious experience.

2. People in relationships cannot realistically fulfill all of their partners' needs.

Given these two facts, there are definitely going to be times when we feel unlovable, indifferent, unappreciated, hurt, and angry. And this is not bad. This is just not good (and there is a difference)!

Research from The Gottman Institute has shown that the way we deal with our inevitable disagreements is a major indicator of the longevity of a relationship. We can become professionals in handling disagreement. But, as the saying goes:

It takes two to tango

So we must choose a life partner who will ensure that he cooperates with us to build a long and satisfying relationship.

5 characteristics to look for in your partner

These qualities help ensure that you can get through tough times and even increase friendliness even more as a result:

1. The capacity for empathy

Empathy is the ability and willingness to put yourself in someone else's shoes and imagine how they feel (which can be very different from the way you see and feel things).
Without it, how do we understand each other? Without the ability to empathize, treating you with compassion, kindness, and consideration will likely not be a priority for your partner.

2. Have a good sense of humor

When tension escalates, a joke can defuse the conflict and turn the moment from extreme to extreme.

For example, W.L. knew the perfect time to use humor with J.R. He can tell when her mood has changed for the worse: JR suddenly becomes critical of W.L, commenting on things she normally doesn't care about. And here W.L. could feel that she was upset with him.

Instead of taking a defensive stance or withdrawing, two strategies that rarely helped, he would say to her with a warm look and a childish voice, "Are you trying to have a quarrel with me?"

J.R paused to think about his question. "Am I trying to get into a quarrel with him?" She asked herself. "Yeah! I think I am."

Her sense of humor enabled her to recognize and own her anger. Now that her anger is conscious, she can figure out what was bothering her and talk about it with her husband (W.L.) directly. You wouldn't be able to do that without his "humorous" invitation to speak.

Humor isn't always the right approach. But at certain times, you're doing well.

3. Get ready to keep talking

Motivated people who like to stay together have the power to resolve nearly all conflicts. However, resolving disputes takes time, patience, and skillful communication. The partners have to find common ground or agree the inevitability of disagreement.

Conflict resolution takes time because there can be many steps to follow for the two people to feel heard. Talking involves clarifying the problem, understanding the deeper meaning and importance of the problem, making sure that each partner understands the other’s position, allowing the emotions that the topic raises for each person, expressing sympathy together, and brainstorming until an appropriate solution is found ... for both.

The problems should be talked about so that both people feel better.

4. Understand the basics of how emotions work

During the conflict, emotions run the show. Emotions are ingrained in all of our brains in the same way. No matter how intelligent we are, we cannot prevent emotions from intruding into our lives, especially in times of conflict and threat .

Only after the emotions ignite do we have some options for how to respond. Some people react instantly, and indulge their impulses. This is how disputes . Others stop to think before they act. Thinking before we talk or act is best because it gives us more control over the outcome of our interactions.

Without understanding feelings, your partner will not understand you well and may criticize you for your feelings or behave badly.

• We want someone who does not take our moods and feelings personally.

• The person who, instead of responding, will feel curious and ask what bothered us. We want someone who listens without being defensive - or at least strives to get there.

• We want someone who knows that sometimes there is nothing to fix and that listening patiently is a powerful tool for couples.

• We want a partner who asks to be treated with the same understanding and care.

Appreciating feelings does not mean that you care about your partner's feelings at the expense of yourself; That leads to resentment. Respecting your partner's feelings also doesn't mean that you allow yourself to be offended. It just means that you care when your partner is upset and try to help.

5. Realizes the importance of establishing ground rules

At the start of an engagement, things usually go smoothly. But when the engagement period ends and the date of marriage comes, disputes begin to surface. Before conflicts arise, it is a good idea to talk about establishing a set of ground rules for discussion.

The ground rules are the rules for how to debate constructively. The goal is to learn specific ways in which you can cooperate in resolving a conflict. For example, you can agree to speak in a calm voice instead of shouting.

When establishing ground rules, the idea is to anticipate the types of disagreements and arguments for each person and to practice how to control harm. You do this before an argument because during it you - or your partner - will not be rational or calm, because your emotional mind will be temporarily hacked. The goal is to maintain respect and communication during a disagreement. Your partner learns not to make things worse for you; And you learn not to make things worse for him.

Because both of you are an expert in themselves, and everyone knows what their partner needs when they feel bad, sad, angry, and the like.