Just About Anything

I really don't know what to write about today. I've been staring at this blank space under the "Add a title..." And my mind goes..."I have no topic yet...let alone a title." But anyways...I'll just put down whatever comes to my mind and there are a few random things running through my mind.

February 15, 2022....marks my father's 6th death anniversary.

It has been six long years but we still miss him a lot. We'll miss the times he sing whenever we would set up our videoke here at home. His favorite songs are "Green, Green Grass of Home", "Delilah", and other songs from the 50's and 60's.

He likes it whenever I cook pork and chicken adobo, specially when it has chicken liver too. He says that it tastes the same as my Great Grandmother's adobo. It's from her that I learned how to cook. Even my Dad's favorite dessert, leche flan and ubeng haleya, these two he always request whenever he got his pension. He gives money to buy the needed ingredients an some extra cash for me, he said "go buy something for yourself too."

Ever since my Dad get operated on his hand and foot, I used to massage them to somewhat ease the after pains. He says my massage is much better that the painkillers the doctor has prescribed for him. So whenever at home and has free time, I always make sure to give him a massage even for just 15 to 30 minutes or until he falls asleep.

February 15, 2022....a day after Valentine's day.

As I was walking through the tiangge this morning to buy something for breakfast and also for our lunch...I heard conversations of some of the vendors there. They were comparing their sale from yesterday since it was Valentine's day. They were teasing the one who sells chocolates and cookies, they were all saying that she has the highest sale yesterday. And the other woman who's selling stuff toys and heart shaped cushions said that she almost sold out everything yesterday, only two pieces were left. I'm glad hearing these things from them, it means that they get to bring home more money than they usually do.

I thought since Valentine's day is over, my newsfeed would be free from posts made by some friends and acquantances about yesterday. But noooooo, I was so so wrong hahaha I have forgotten about post-Valentine posts. So again, just like yesterday, my newsfeed is still full of dates and gifts. I was happy for them and at the same time, I envy them.

I've always wanted to get something special from someone, but I never did. Seems like I don't deserve to be given special things on special days like this one. Yes, I did get some gifts from husband when he was still alive. But I can't feel any sincerity when he gives me gift. It seems like, he buys me gifts for the sake of just to give something to me. We also never go out on dates like other couples do.

Lost in my own thoughts

I just want to be happy but seems like the happiness I really want is so far from happening. I treasure the joy being with my kids and my family. But it is very much different from the joy of being with someone you love and of someone who loves you in return. I can't help thinking if I don't deserve to have that kind of happiness, it's so elusive.

Everytime I feel that I have found my happiness, something happens and then that's the end of it. Tough luck. What I thought would last forever or even for a long time, always end up with goodbyes.

I feel like there is something wrong with me. Am I not worth the love of someone? Am I not worth spending one's time with? Lots of questions run through my head and my heart. Am I not the type of person who can have a stable relationship like everyone I know?

Seems like everyone around me is now happy with their partners. Even my son's Godmother is now having a wonderful life with her husband. They used to fight a lot way back then, I honestly thought their going to get separated. But now, even she has received surprise gifts from her husband yesterday after she went home from their store. But I'm really glad that they are doing okay now, I am happy for them.

And today being the 15th of the month, is the day for paying bills, and I almost forgot about it hahaha It's a good thing my two older kids have work now, they are the one's shouldering the water and electricity bills. And they both give me money for buying our basic neccessities here at home. I can now buy our toiletries such as shampoo, bath soap, deodorant, detergents and other stuff. Because my Mom bought these things for us, back when my kids have no jobs yet.

So, that will be all for now. I got to go and cash in the amount in my E-wallet so I can pay the bills later on. Hope you guys have a nice day today and I hope you're not bored with what I have shared with you today. Thanks everyone.