Never a priority

Today I was reminded again how life is unjust and full of chaos.

My life's perspective did change when my father died.

I was forced to take an absence sometimes to look for my siblings, take good care of them, made sure they have eaten in proper time. Sometimes I bring them with me to school if there were exams. Keep your sibling quiet while we are taking exams, sell food to classmates and teachers during recess and walk kilometers to go home. I knew how hard life was even when I was a child.

We did sell freshly picked vegetables to houses just to sustain our expenses or sometimes just to trade for rice. Rice is a staple food in most Filipino families. Rice broth"sanaw" also is a traditional alternative to milk when we don't have money to buy milk for my siblings.

Growing up I knew how hard-working my father was too. Up until his last breath, he made sure we can still have at least a month of supply of food. Maybe he knew he was dying.

Like I said we grew up looking up how great dad was. He was never perfect, he drank alcohol sometimes, they had arguments with mom when he was drunk. He can be a bit silly when drunk like showing how flexible he was with his karate exhibitions. But he never hurt mama, sometimes alcohol can make him a sweet talker too.

That was before, everything changed after my father died. Mama sold almost everything dad have, we transferred to grandpa's house. Our living was different, a lot harder and we started to become the favorite topic of our relatives too.

Fast forward, Mama has her own family now, her own house. We love mama so much that we were forced to just accept her decisions every time.

There were times when Mama often boasts about her partner as if my father was worst of all, but our memories say otherwise. She wants me to believe that she's in a better place and with a better man than my father. How can I not be angry when I saw the man's face, he's always with a smirk and mocking smile. How can I not feel the pain that what mama's saying is different than what I'm still seeing? He can't even help mama do their laundry.

Through time we were hardened. We acted like we were used to it. To be set aside. Our family tradition of a complete family while celebrating new years eve was broken too. I knew how to cook since I was 8 but preparing for Christmas eve and New years eve felt different and heavy for me. I still have to be jolly for my siblings. Accepting that we're never a priority. The primary family turns out to be just an extension.

Mama was still clueless or not even bothered when we were hurting in many ways. It's okay that we were suppressed and made fun of by the other family especially the guy who destroyed our family. But the moment I voiced out my anger towards that guy, I was attacked, slammed, cursed, ignored and backstabbed by my own mother. As if we are expected to just be quiet, to agree with the wrongdoings.

Mama didn't even bother to ask me where my anger came from but had taken her side already. I am an adult now but still a human. I have my thoughts and feelings. If everyone is a bully. I can be courageous too to protect myself, my family, especially my siblings. I will try my best to fill the void inside their hearts.

How can I not be mad now? Maybe I was used to it already, the other side of the story will just remain an unheard history.

Maybe we are fighting to make our family whole again but in fact, our family was already crushed into pieces.

How can after all these things that happened, I still care and love mama? I was surprised that I never cried but my heart is hurting so much. I will just let this bad feeling melt away.

Thank you for letting me this out. Tomorrow will be brighter.