Loving Starts With Loving Yourself Above All

When we say "I love", that word that makes sense to everyone, turns into a messy concept salad when they start to talk about its meaning, and it turns into disparate pictures where no one is like the other. Let's say that each of us has similar materials: a canvas, an easel, pens, brushes, paints… When we start to create a work with those materials, paintings called "love" but not at all similar to each other emerge. But there are also common elements, of course. Firstly, we all want it, secondly we are all satisfied with it, and thirdly, we put it at the center of almost everything. No matter how we define it, we want to hold it tight by saying "This is a good thing", we say "It is indispensable". It is not in vain that much has been said about it, it has been the subject of great works of art, and it is so exalted and valued.

It's an emotion. The beauty that envelops us warmly. “What else would one want?” something that moves our hearts so much that we say, that we feel huge, as big and powerful as the universe, that shockingly knocks us off our feet… It's an escape. It is an oasis that makes us smile, makes us feel special and important, and makes ourselves untouchable in this “brutal” world, which we constantly eat and think so even if we do not eat it… It is a satisfaction.

From the first moment we cling to our mother's breast, our hunger, our need for protection and protection, our search for security and peace, that is, a strong connection to life, the state of being whole, born when our needs are met… It is a handle. Something to hold onto when we are out of breath from our rush to find meaning in this chaotic life, the meaning of which we can't quite figure out. As Eric Fromm said, "The only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence." You ask why? Since it was so unequivocal that we didn't have to ask questions…

It's a consolation. When we are frightened of our inevitable loneliness and try to get rid of the boredom of ourselves and life, we say, “Well, there is it!” the indispensable comfort zone of saying… It is a fuel. Even the most ordinary thing becomes special when all our actions are carried out with the energy of this fuel, and when we are devoid of it, our efforts do not taste good even if they yield results.

What about loving yourself?

If love is something directed towards someone else, something else, a state of being, an action, an idea, why should you love yourself? Doesn't one have the capacity to love without self-love? Can't there be a feeling of compassion without self-compassion? Isn't it even more loving when you give up yourself and give it to someone else? Unfortunately, no.

Love and compassion are the plants that grow in the soil of our heart, and if that soil is fertilized with worthlessness, self-love, self-hatred, sooner or later and inevitably it will overwhelm the plants that grow. Maybe that's why there is a fine line between love and hate. Because even if we are unconsciously waiting for someone else to close our sense of worthlessness and this expectation is not fulfilled to the extent we want, we can quickly switch from loving it as it is to hating it. If we live in a house where we feed ourselves with worthlessness, there will be some of this in every meal we serve to someone else at the table we set.

If we are sufficiently convinced that we are worthless, the person we love (and loves us) will inevitably suffer from the same unworthiness. The inner voice whispers to us, “Would he choose you if he was valuable?” or “He can't possibly love me, there's a scam in this!” If we doubt our lovability, receiving love is like receiving an award for an achievement we feel we don't deserve. If we receive such an award, it would be uncomfortable to even see it, let alone put it in the corner. Anger, anxiety, disappointment, and hostility grow within us, which sooner or later are revealed.

How about thinking that “loving ourselves is the best thing we can do for the person we love”, even if it sounds like a contradiction, destroys the usual understanding of “glorification of sacrifice” and seems selfish? Every table you set with self-love and self-compassion will turn into a feast for you and your loved ones. Who wouldn't want to be at that table?