Is solitude your choice or your destiny?
There have always been times when you felt alone in crowds. Especially if you live in a big city or metropolis… Well, those moments when you say, “I wish I could be alone for a while!”? Unshared loneliness? That wonderful, liberating and relaxing feeling of being alone? Have you ever wondered where the difference between the loneliness we feel when we need others and the need to be alone comes from? In order to be able to distinguish between the feeling of loneliness expressed by the sentence "I wish I had someone with me!" and the need for loneliness in the sentence "I wish I could be alone for a while!", it is first necessary to understand what loneliness is.
It is an inevitable fact that human beings are social creatures and we need to be in contact with other people around us in order to protect our mental health. Supporting the results of this research, the pandemic period reminded us once again how socializing, bonding and communicating with other people is one of the most basic human needs.
However, on the other hand, getting tired of the crowd and socializing and returning to ourselves and being alone are as natural and important as socializing and establishing meaningful relationships. Sometimes we need to be alone and discharged in order to store up energy to be able to socialize, and sometimes – assuming that we are not loaded with positive energy every time we socialize – to get rid of the negative energy that accumulates on us. We want to be alone to turn on the music that we are ashamed to listen to in front of others, to dance, to sing to ourselves, to meditate, to read a book or to take time for our personal care.
The dictionary meaning of the word loneliness, the definition of 'solitude, desolation', is an extremely neutral description that does not actually refer to loneliness as a negative or positive concept. Although 'loneliness' is often perceived as a negative concept for human beings, who are social creatures, whether the meaning you attribute to loneliness is positive or negative is directly related to 'why' you are alone. In other words, preferentially wanting to be alone or feeling lonely can cause you to frame the definition of loneliness in a positive or negative sense.
While a preferential and voluntary loneliness is entirely our own choice and expresses a physical loneliness; The feeling of loneliness is the product of an emotional and complex process that is experienced because of how many people are around us. In order to understand the difference between the two, one must first understand what each means, how it arose and was experienced.
Feeling of loneliness: Emotional loneliness
Loneliness is a universal human emotion that is both complex and unique to each individual. Due to its subjective nature, the feeling of loneliness can be affected by many different factors and triggered by different situations. For this reason, both 'feeling alone in crowds' and the loneliness you feel due to the fact that there is no one around you to communicate with can mean the same thing. Some of the most common situations where the feeling of loneliness is shaped by the person's perception of the world and their subjective evaluations are as follows:
New beginnings: The feeling of loneliness of new beginnings and not knowing anyone, such as starting a new job or school where you don't know anyone, participating in an event you don't know anyone, moving to a different city.
The thought of “I am different from others”: Having a personality trait, physical difference or situation that makes you different from other people around you, and the feeling of loneliness caused by feeling different and being isolated.
Inability to form deep relationships: A feeling of loneliness caused by not being able to form deep and meaningful relationships with those people, even if you have too many friends or a long-term partner.
Lack of time: The feeling of loneliness caused by people in your social circle not being able to spend as much time with you as before, or not creating the time necessary to deepen your relationship with someone you just met.
Insecure relationships: The feeling of loneliness that arises when you doubt the depth or sincerity of their relationship with you, even though you have many friends to spend time with.
The need for quiet time: The feeling of loneliness that comes with not being able to spend time alone with people you love and with whom you have deep ties, in a quiet, calm and slow environment, because your social circle is very wide.
On the basis of the feeling of loneliness, which we refer to as emotional loneliness, it emerges as a result of seeing oneself as useless, unwanted, unloved and unappreciated. People who cannot establish secure relationships, cannot experience the feeling of sincerity and depth in their relationships, and therefore feel lonely, cannot meet their need for attachment and communication even if they have a crowded social environment because they have difficulty in establishing relationships. These people, who have stereotyped thoughts and behaviors about social relations, from their communication skills to their assumptions about how trustworthy people are, need to be able to recognize the thoughts and behaviors that cause them to feel lonely in order to cope with the feeling of loneliness.
While the causes of loneliness can be situational, such as physical isolation, moving to a new place or divorce, as in the examples above, psychological problems such as depression can also pave the way for the feeling of loneliness. In addition, low self-confidence and self-esteem can cause a person to think that he is not worthy of the love and attention of other people, thus not being able to establish secure and deep bonds, and isolating himself, leading to a chronic feeling of loneliness.
As you have seen, the feeling of loneliness can have many different causes, regardless of how many friends you have around you, how many followers you have on social media, or how much of your time you spend with others. Just as the emergence of the feeling of loneliness does not always depend on physical loneliness, it is not possible to make an inference that being physically alone or preferring to be alone will cause you to feel lonely. As a result, while the feeling of loneliness is much more subjective and is related to many psychological factors such as the person's perception of events, relationship status, attachment styles, a preferred 'loneliness' may have the power to strengthen your connection with yourself.
It is possible not to feel lonely by being alone, to enjoy being alone and to enjoy solitude. Once you discover the 'why' of your feeling of loneliness and accept that feeling and turn being alone into a positive experience, you will find that you are free from the feeling of loneliness. When you understand what loneliness means to you, whether you are in a preferred or compulsory loneliness, when you need loneliness or socialization more, you will see that you can manage your relationship with loneliness and your social environment much better. What is your loneliness?
