FADE IN: EXT. PARKING LOT -- DAY -- BABS, AN ATTRACTIVE YET TOMBOYISH WOMAN ON A SIDEWALK NEAR A STADIUM WITH SEVERAL EVENT TICKETS IN HER HAND.
SHE IS GESTURING WITH ONE HAND WHILE WAVING THE TICKETS WITH THE OTHER. SHE IS DRESSED IN TIGHT JEANS AND A SEMI-REVEALING NECK, NONDESCRIPT SPORTS SHIRT. SHE CRACKS AND SMACK HER GUM AS CARS DRIVE BY.
SHE IS AGGRESSIVE IN HER APPROACH TO SCALPING TICKETS. HER MANNERISMS DICTATE CONFIDENCE AND LITTLE NONSENSE. SHE SPEAKS WITH A BROOKLYN ACCENT.
DISSOLVE TO: A young couple, BOB and DIANE approach. Bab's accosts them.
BABS (popping her gum): "I got's two tickets in da second flippin’ row for da game. Right heh, dum dum's."
BOB (nervously): "Uh...no, thanks." Diane smiles nervously.
BABS (grabbing Bob’s shirt sleeve lest he get away): "Oh, you’s a cheap reprobate, huh? The little lady doesn’t desoive good seats, dat it?"
Bob wriggles free from Bab’s grip and attempts to walk around Babs with Diane. Babs blocks their way each time they attempt to sidestep her.
BOB: "Um, excuse me, Miss?"
BABS: "What? You dirty dem britches or are ya skeered?"
BOB" I did not poop my pants, break wind or otherwise butt-trumpet."
BABS (sniffing the air): You’s right, darling. If youdda airbrushed your BVD’s I’d have hoid a squeak..."
(a beat)
" ...ya tight louse."
Bob and Diane scurry away like rats.
CUT TO: EXT. PARKING LOT -- LATER
Babs is popping her head back out of a car window as someone screams. She offers them the bird in response.
BABS (to the fleeing car): "Aight. It’s all good. Just cuz yo mama so cheap she gotta put a loaf of bread on layaway, don’t take it out on my sexy rear. (she slaps her rear).
A middle-age Black couple walks near, holding hands, TYREL and SABRINA. They move to skirt around Babs who is standing dead center in the sidewalk.
BABS (CONT’D): "Woooowee! Now dat’s a fine boo-tay! I bet Fitty Cent could bounce three quarters of dat black marble."
SABRINA: (concerned, to Tyrel): "Honey?"
BABS: "I like mine plain, sugar britches, but he’s yo man and youse can put whatever dessert you want to on dose meat cheeks."
TYREL (offended): What’s the meaning of this?!"
Several people walk around the three as they clog the sidewalk.
BABS: "Lookout, hometown, no need to get your seats at da ticket office, cuz da Babs gots ‘em right heh...in da second row, yo."
Babs swats Tyrel’s chest with the tickets.
TYREL (indignant, loud): "I’ll have you know I work here!"
BABS: "Yo, superlung! Youse want everybody ta know youse washing dishes for da plantation manager?"
SABRINA (ticked off, shocked): "Why, I never!"
BABS: "... but it don’t mean you won’t. Anybody who puts honey on his whoopie cakes is likely to do most anything."
TYREL: I’ll call security..."
BABS: "Look at youse kickin' up a fuss!" (she looks around as if she can’t believe his stupidity). "A Black man gonna call da law? Who’s youse think dey gonna belieb? Youse black."
Tyrel and Sabrina break away from Babs who calls after them.
BABS (CONT’D): "Woooooweeee! Look at da heels on dat stud. Looks like he’s been kickin’ some flour!"
EXT. PARKING LOT -- MOMENTS LATER
Two athletic young men approach having a good time, HECTOR and RUSS.
HECTOR (with a thick Spanish accent): "Wow. Eef I could see ju naykeed, I could die the very happy."
BABS: ...and if I could see youse in the raw, I could laugh at your private detective, Pepe."
Russ is laughing. Hector doesn’t find it too amusing.
BABS (CONT’D): Besides, youse got one of dem techno-hammers...
(a beat) (simulating a stroke)
BABS: "...140 beats a minute."
BABS (CONT’D) (to Russ): "Yo, Adonis. Youse two lookin’ for some second row tickets to da game?"
RUSS: "We...might... be. How much?"
"BABS (squinting as if thinking): "How’s about a Grey Nurse for you and $200 for Super Stroker?"
HECTOR (confused): Hey, tomcat, por que $200 para me and one-hundraid for heem?"
BABS: "Because you fail the smart test, Pancho."
Hector is up for a challenge.
HECTOR (confident): "Why doan ju just try me, mami."
BABS (to Hector): "Mmmk, how do youse start a Mexican parade?"
HECTOR (smiling, believing he has the answer): "Es easy. Ju take the float and ju take the rosas, and..."
Babs cuts him off with a wave of her hand.
BABS: "Whoa, there, Selina. Fail. You roll a centavo down a hill."
Hector moves to slap the taste out of her mouth, but Russ, still laughing, yanks Hector back as Babs stands firm.
BABS (CONT’D): "Jesus...or is that Hey-zeus? It’s not like I din’t give Pepito a warning."
CUT TO: EXT. PARKING LOT -- LATER
A White man, TED and a Black woman, SASHEESHA, approach.
BABS (incredulous): "Wowza, White boy! Where’d you steal Jay-Z’s woman from?"
TED: "Pardon me?"
BABS: "That’s up to the governor to do dat."
TED: "Do what?"
BABS: "Ah, c’mon, don’t go all Dumb and Dumber on me with that refined codswallop. I know youse be on parole. Skip the fees this month and spring for dese two tickets to the game...in da front row, by baby Jeebus."
TED (reluctantly): "How much?"
BABS: "Coupla hundies for the pair."
(a beat)
BABS: "Firm as my naughty pillows." (she mashes her breasts).
"SASHEESHA (digging in her clutch purse): "I gots dis, baby."
Babs shifts her feet.
BABS (sarcastically): "Yo, sorry Moesha. No food stamps."
(a beat)
BABS: "Where’d you shop for dem clothes, in da Goodwill bin last night?
TED: "Hey! That’s uncalled for!"
BABS: "Then we concur. (to Sasheesha, who is angry) "Bloody hell, youse need to stop dumpster-diving for tablecloths!"
SASHEESHA: Girl, I’ll slaps the taste out yo mouth!"
Ted moves quickly to grab Sasheesha’s arm.
BABS (calm, firm): Yo, butt-bandit. Youse better get hold of your axewound there else wait for Life Flight to pick her up."
Babs pulls a switchblade from her back pocket and licks the blade.
SASHEESHA: Yo, Boo, dis fool be crazy. Let’s fly."
BABS" "Freeze, Janet, before I give youse an instant dry socket." The tickets? (she waves them as a reminder).
Babs rubs the pair of tickets between her thumb and index finger.
SASHEESHA (regaining her confidence): "Ah, hell no. Deys be too high."
BABS: "Say what? Saving a C-note for more makeup, Kardashian?"
Sasheesha gasps audibly.
TED (reaching in his wallet for two one-hundreds): "Here now. Leave us alone. Babs counts the money and examines the bills in the sunlight."
BABS: Yo, Rockafellatio, where’s my tip?"
SASHEESHA: "I gots dis, baby. (Sasheesha hands Babs a crumpled dollar). "Here you is."
Babs pushes Sasheesha away by the face.
BABS: "Save it for a new putty knife to clean yo makeup off."
Babs turns and walks away.
BABS (CONT’D): "Tickets! Get youse some! Tickets!"
TED (calling after Babs): "Hey! These are in the 22nd row!"
BABS (O.S.): "Tickets! Catch da game from da second row, yo! Tickets!"
FADE TO BLACK.
