Math Homework.

I could just as easily have chosen any school subject, But I'll use math as an example, Because this is what happened in our home.

I have an nine-year-old son, Ben, Who works very hard in his school work.

He is a good student and does well on all of his school subjects.

But on one particular day, he'd had enough of math.

He couldn't understand the concepts, And he just sat there and wept.

Over and over he would say, “I hate math. I hate math. I hate math.”

Every now and then he would insert, “Math is stupid. Math is stupid.”

My eleven-years old son, Spencer, Glance over at his distraught nephew , Looked at Ben's homework, And said, “Are you kidding me? My math homework is harder than your homework. I wish I had your math homework!”

Let me graph how our continual individual growth typically occurs over time.

Ben is in the stage in his understanding of his math homework where he doesn't feel good and understands little of the math he is tasked to accomplish.

The more he studies, However, The more he'll understand it, And the better he'll feel.

Like my bike example, He will move up and to the right of the diagonal line of the zigzag Path to Growth.

When he moves to the top of the diagonal line, All will be well in the fonbuena household... At least for a while.

Here comes the tricky part of the zigzag Path to Growth.

Just when Ben is beginning to understand the current math problems and feeling good about school and math, He'll be introduced to another new concept that he won't understand, And he won't feel so good in the beginning.

And so the process is repeated as he progresses through basic math, To Algebra, Then eventually on to calculus and beyond.

As he moves up the “Growth and contribution. ”

Continuum, He will zig and zag through the “How do I feel” continuum.

Spencer has to go through the same process.

Spencer just happens to be further up on the growth and contribution continuum.

So Ben and I decided to put down the math for a while, And we just talked about this zigzag Path to Growth.

I told Ben that math will get better, And the difficulty he is experiencing now won't last forever.

I assured him that it won't be long before he thinks the problems he struggles with now will be really easy.

He took comfort in my assurance.

However, I also told him that as we progress through math, We are going to go through the process all over again.

All of a sudden he looked a bit depressed. I don't blame him.

Think back to the monkey brain. In essence, My message to him was, We are going to do everything possible to help him feel better, And then we are going to make a deliberate decision to do something that does not feel good, Just when we were feeling comfortable and celebrating our success.

If I were him I'd be thinking, “Are you crazy? Why would you do something that doesn't feel good when doing something that feels better is an option? Good question.

My answer to this puzzle would be, “Feeling good is not our only criteria.”

Growth, Character development, Fulfillment, Mission, And contribution are also important, And in the long run, Such improvements are our goal.

He just looked at me as if to say, “Can I talk to Mommy?”

I could tell he wasn't convinced.

Then I told him that in those tough moments, Both mommy and I would help him.

He didn't seem to mind the concept of going through hard moments so long as he wasn't going to go through them alone.

He stopped crying, Got up off the couch, And with a new resolve started working on the math homework again.

Like my son Ben, Most of us would be willing to go through tough moments and eventually get to Growth and contribution, So long as we know we won't go through them alone.

Otherwise our monkey brains wonder it's worth the pain, And our lizard brains wonder whether we are going to get eaten in the process.

Let me just insert a couple of side notes here.

There are times when we go through growth at a high level as well as at a steep incline, And we enjoy every moment of it.

For example, We have a neighbor whose daughter can't wait to get to school everyday.

She takes the most difficult classes and relishes in the challenge of learning. Then she comes home and can't wait to share what she learned, Even to those who aren't interested in listening.

She just loves learning. I have a friend who loves to exercise and look forward to the hard moments of a workout.

For these people the growing pains still exist;

They have just adjusted to it and have put more emphasis and focus on the growth that will come from their growing pain and less on the growing pain itself.

For most of us, However, We do feel the growing pains more acutely.

And it takes more of an effort. I wish it were easier, But mostly it's not.

Once in a blue moon it is easier, And I'm grateful for these instances.

Either way, I know that there is no getting around the growing pain. There is only going through it. The more we realize that it is a normal part of our growth process, The better we handle the growing pain.

I wanted to mention one more thing about the growing pains.

I am not referring to a masochistic tendency here in which we enjoy pain for its own sake, And we stay there in the name of growth. No. I'm interested in growth and fulfillment and the joy that comes from it.

If some growing pain is required and such pain is normal, Then I'm fine with it—only to the extent necessary—but pain for pain's sake is not sustainable or healthy.

Let me give another example of the application of the zigzag Path to Growth.

I was going over this concept with a business executive. From time to time, The productivity of some of their staff was starting to decline.

As with many organizations, The growth of their company has some correlation to the collective professional growth of all of their employees.

To improve the company, This executive had considered or tried nearly everything imaginable including product creation, Strategic partnerships, Quality initiatives, Additional marketing strategies, Compensation structures, And systemic improvements.

In other words, He had done everything except asking more of his team.

He had asked more “From” them in the past but not more “Of” them.

In the past he had asked them to “Do” more, But he had never challenge them to "Be” more.

Yet he knew in his heart that what needed changing was in the hearts and minds of his team members (Remember distance between heaven and hell).

Some of his staff didn't want to go through the effort of changing and improving. They were getting weary.

He needed his team to be comfortable with growing, Even if it meant making mistakes.

He explained the zigzag Path to Growth and committed that he, Along with his team, Was willing to go through growing pains right along with them.

He likewise needed to grow if the company was going to move up from the plateau where they found themselves.

I told that executive about another successful executive who was asked in the prime of the company's success their secret to their company's achievement.

His quick reply was “Double your failure rate.”

My executive friend created a culture where growing pain was a necessary, Normal, And desirable part of achieving their goals.

As a result, Not only did they succeed, But they also created a team committed to continuous improvement.

Remember, We used the weaving metaphor, Where we wanted to develop in the fabric of our lives, The warp of character, And the weft of goals and activities?

The growing pain we have been examining in our zigzag Path to Growth coincides with character development. The more we persist and persever through the growing pains, The stronger our character becomes as Were stretched.

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