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Im always on the verge of falling apart and crumbling confidence yet I strive to always keep atleast a piece of my broken spirit. It is true indeed that I can be motivated and can fire my spirit again just like how BCH revives its value and rockeeted and exceeded our expections but there are also times that my driving spirit becomes so weak. It will atleast take me 2 sleepless nights and more restless daylights to overcome such trivial occurrence and turbulence as I make my way through.
I asked my partner over and over again what did I ever do wrong? There are so many questions running wild on my head ready to take over my heart and control my words and action at any moment; and this is one crucial part when we are in this kind of situation.
"They dont have the will or heart to help other people, yet why did they excel more?"
"I want to help and its been carved in my heart for so long. But I dont have such power to do so."
"Why do some evil becomes ruler and being portrayed as role models when they trample and suppress poor people behind the stage?"
I have so many whys and sometimes I cried as I ask God about it. I know it's wrong to do so, but I want to hear the answer one more time even if I already knew about it.
You see, Ive been working as hard as I can since I was little then because Im pressured to do so. I must always be an honor student. I must to learn how to play chess at the young age. I must join school competition and must win. I must keep my mouth shut even they are wrong and must accept unjust slap right to my face! So much MUST in my whole life that it makes my stepping stone crack instead of having a great experience and having a strong foundation. But don't get me wrong, I still love my innocent plays during my childhood even I got to kneel down on salt for doing so. LOL!
Some might be wondering why do I have to experience that? Then let me tell a bit of my life story.
My father is a good man but at the same time a jerk. Yes! That's right. When he is in a good mood, he can spoil his children so much yet when he got drunk, we were always beaten into pulp. And one time after being beaten I asked him, "What should I do to make you stop drinking alcohol?"
Then he answered and promised me not to get drunk again if I ever made it into top at school. And I did. And during my graduation at primary level, my mother was out for a seminar and so I have my father to attend to ceremony and to put the gold medals on me. And yet... when the host called my name I marched with proud heart and hope to see my father change as he promised me. I reached the stage and faced the crowd with a smile as I waited for him there, but I didn't see him. The host called him again and again. About 6 minutes of waiting, i saw him coming up the stage and was like dancing. Dancing, marching back and forth because he was too drunk on my special day and at the same time broke the very promise that we had. The teacher handed him the medal, but he just stared at her hands and slapped me after that. I was so shocked back then. All people out there have seen it and I didn't even know how to react. Gladly, some official get my father away from the stage while my godfather take the medak and put it on me. And the ceremony ended having my faced being slapped.
That is just one single piece of my unpleasant childhood. And maybe that's why Im kinda introvert! Im thankful to these platform for I can express my feeling without being known by many.
And despite of my painful past, I tried to be as positive as I can believing that I can attract good vibes and blessings. "Everyone has a painful past", that's what I tried to bear in mind so that I can accept the past too.
I also meet inspiring people here and real world but honestly there were only few yet I am still thankful to have them.
Time goes by, I do feel down and ups then even plead God about answers and explanation about such hard life despite of having the intention to help. And at some point, I realized that He has reasons and of course greater plans for me.
I made such short post in read.cash about it too. 👇👇👇
GOD DIDN'T ANSWER MY PRAYERS
Maybe you are wondering why God haven't granted your pray yet. Some times you doubted Him. But have you asked yourself about your prayer? Will your prayer only benefits you and will put other people in danger? Does you heart desires greediness? There are things that can not be given to you and these are just few reasons:
God is protecting you. Why does God protects you by not giving what you prayed for. Because you can easily be swayed by earthy temptations. You can a sudden change of heart. And that granting your prayer will make you change and abandone your better self
It is not for you. Some people asked, "God, I want to become the next President" but He didn't let it happen. Why? Because you are suited for another better mission and job. Everyone is here because we have our role.
You are not sincere! People take advantage of God's kindness. We tend to pray only when we needed something from. We forgot to say sorry coz we prioritize our earthly desire. How about you? If someone who have sinned to you suddenly appears after a long time to asks some money and clothes without even saying sorry first, will you be pleased? Is your love one cheated and say sorry without "sincerity", will you be happy? Thus, we must not forget to pray at all times.
Here are 4 steps in praying that I've learned and I hope this will help you:
1. Praise Praise God using all good words you've known since birth.
2. Give thanks Thank Him for all the blessing that he give you.
3. Ask for forgiveness A father cannot bear to be anger to his child after saying a sincere sorry. Ask God for forgiveness and admit your mistakes.
4. Ask for blessing How can he give you what you really want when in the first place is you haven't asked? Continuously ask for what you need with a pure intentions.
And sometime I contradict this realization too.
Life is kinda confusing but I want to enjoy life too.
I want to redo my life by making better and right choices everyday. We do have different stories and some might not believe what you've been through because youve been putting a good show.
And I know some of you can notice the way how I interact with you through comment section. Some of you have said:
"Very well said"
But behind those wisdom that I have spoken were my painful past and Im glad I was able to share that wisdom with you.
It's not easy to have no one to fill and gas up your spirit that's why I'll do thing even in a simple act.
And want to know where is my father right now?
He is at their house. I got married and have my own bahay kubo. He is having high blood pressure and haven't fully recovered from heat stroke and all day Im the only one he can call on and talk to. My mother also feel uneasy about his attitude that's why she's always not around with my brother.
I'm not being heroic, and just like what I said in he is also a good father. Im just lucky to be born having such complete family no matter how are situation goes wrong. I've learned a lot about it and I'm thankful.