One event I won't forget as a child was the constant nagging of my parents when I present to them my end of term report.
I'm Mirabel, a twenty years old Engineering undergraduate.
As far as I Remember, when I was between the age of six and ten years, I had a taste of life. I couldn't speak up cause of my low self esteem.
I didn't take it as anything serious the first time it happened, I shoved it off. But with time, the words sink into me, eating me deep. I understood the meaning of the word, with time. When I finally got the meaning, I was broken.
It was like I wasn't working enough, for a child. I wasn't a genius, but I was good.
At the end of each term, I always come first, always leading the class. I think I was in the second position, once.
But, when my parents and elder siblings sees my result, they'll say I should work harder next time. I thought I was doing well,too. I was actually doing well.
After that, my happiness is always short-lived. If I play too much, next thing I'll hear is, "What's making you happy? Is it because you came first again?"
Then they'll add the next sentence that breaks me, completely, "in the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is King".
Initially, I didn't know the meaning but when I did, I felt like I should disappear.
They meant, my other classmates are dumb and brainless, while I'm just struggling to lead the class. Which means we're all birds of a feather.
My scores were okay, till now, I don't know why they love saying that word. When they say it, my body will calm down immediately and I'll sit in a corner, brooding.
That, ruined my confidence. I couldn't speak up to defend myself among my peers, always quiet. I couldn't confide in anyone, even when I was molested, I couldn't voice out.
I was dead, inwardly. As a child, I was exposed to lots of dangerous things because i couldn't tell anyone about it.
Fast forward to high school, a new environment, a new school. My grades collapsed like a storey building. I was totally ruined, I repeated a class twice and I became mates with my younger ones. It was a hard time, coping with my juniors in same class.
I would not speak in class, and my failure was busy making noise. I was always the last, or second to last, at the end of each term. Tears, became my best friend.
I totally became a "Zero". I found it difficult to read school books, but, I derived pleasure in reading novels bigger than my class textbooks. At a point I was determined to drop out of school.
I was lost, and became a topic for discussion, every morning. Reminding me of my failures, and downfall during the family prayer. My younger sister's continuous success was rubbed in my face.
My younger sister, was one of the best student in her class. For her hard work, she received numerous gifts from my parents. My father bought her her first phone, while I didn't have any. I was given gifts to fulfill all righteousness, not because I was worth it, According to them.
They did a lot of things for my sister,while I just hope and hope. She became rude, cause I was a failure.
Every morning, during devotion was always a time to cry. I sit in a corner, while I'm being reminded of my failure. If I didn't come for devotion, I'll be tagged as a lazy, sleepy failure. So, I was forced to come for devotion and listen to my failures.
I somehow struggled through high school. It took a lot of determination to revive myself and countless help from one of my teachers in school. Ben Carson's book "Gifted hands" helped me too.
I'm not yet the best, but I'm an undergraduate student in one of the most difficult school to gain admission. An Engineering student for that matter.
I think my heart is made of gold, because I don't know why I don't hold grudges against my parents for how I was treated. I could have died,then. I attempted suicide twice due to frustration.
Now, they are nice to me, maybe they finally realized their mistakes. I'm not angry with them, again. I love my peace.
And I'm still struggling with my self esteem.
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