*INTRODUCTION*
TODAY, More Muslim marriages in the world are breaking up in their first or second year than ever before, their are many researcher, scholars and many books of MARRIAGES which gives testimonies on what causes DIVORCE and how to escape it for years in shaa Allaah will be discuss at this SEGMENT bi Ithinillaah.
The first two to five years are the most *challenging of any MARRIAGE.* They are the time that the couple spends getting to know one another better and adjusting to each other's habits and personalities. Below, are some causes of destroyers of couples, and the way out in shaa Allaah.
Sit tight, balance well and jot if possible or save it somewhere and never forgotten. Those with experience will bear me witness to what we are to discuss TONIGHT.
*Lack of Proper Information before Marriage*
A number of problems are caused simply by the fact that the couple and their families do not discuss crucial issues beforehand. Some of these include:
• *Whether or not the wife will work outside the home?*
• *Will the couple wait to have children or immediately after Nikah?*
• *Which part of the state will the couple live in after marriage?*
• *Will they live with his parents or have their own house or apartment?*
*INTIMACY(SEX LIFE)*
*And many more*
These and other relevant issues need to be discussed and decided in the beginning stages of the marriage process.
Cos of nonchalant attitude towards all the aforementioned talk make each couples thought that the other had lied to him or her about herself or himself. And looking for a way out of the mess he or she finds him or herself.
*WAY OUT*
Discuss everything you think will be a blocking storm in the future with your spouse before the *journey began*.
*LEADERSHIP AND CONTROLLER OF THE MARRIAGE?*
One of the biggest problems is the *POWER STEERING OF THE MARRIAGE* between couples over who is in control in the relationship. This has led to a stalemate in disagreements, as well as bitter feelings. Really, many women knew that the men are the automatic controller of the family appointed by Allaah Subuhanahu wa Ta'ala, *BUT*................
Many couples today are refusing to compromise within moderation when differences arise. While from an Islamic perspective, the husband is given the leadership role in the marriage relationship, this does not mean that he can run the family life like a dictator.
Allaah (Subuhanahu wa Ta'ala) instructs in the Quran that:
ﺍﻟﺮِّﺟَﺎﻝُ ﻗَﻮَّﺍﻣُﻮﻥَ ﻋَﻠَﻰ ﺍﻟﻨِّﺴَﺎﺀِ ﺑِﻤَﺎ ﻓَﻀَّﻞَ ﺍﻟﻠَّﻪُ ﺑَﻌْﻀَﻬُﻢْ ﻋَﻠَﻰٰ ﺑَﻌْﺾٍ ﻭَﺑِﻤَﺎ ﺃَﻧْﻔَﻘُﻮﺍ ﻣِﻦْ ﺃَﻣْﻮَﺍﻟِﻬِﻢْ ۚ ﻓَﺎﻟﺼَّﺎﻟِﺤَﺎﺕُ ﻗَﺎﻧِﺘَﺎﺕٌ ﺣَﺎﻓِﻈَﺎﺕٌ ﻟِﻠْﻐَﻴْﺐِ ﺑِﻤَﺎ ﺣَﻔِﻆَ ﺍﻟﻠَّﻪُ ۚ
*"Men are the maintainers of women because Allah has made some of them to excel others and because they spend out of their property; the good women are therefore obedient, guarding the unseen as Allah has guarded…"* (Surah 4, Verse 34)
It must be remembered that Islamically, a leader is one *who serves, manages, provides and nourishes.* *A leader must also have humbleness and humility and deal with all of those under his care and protection with justice and equality.*
A husband exercises the right kind of leadership by listening to and consulting with his wife. Also, a husband is bound to follow the rules of the Quran and Sunnah of the Prophet (May the peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him). So differences in opinion should be referred back to these sources (and of course the Religious Scholars in our local community), instead of becoming a source of tension and problems.
Not only is it the duty of the head of the house to make sure that the material needs of the family and order are kept, but it is also his duty to protect himself and his family from the fire of hell: Allaah (Subuhanahu wa Ta'ala) says:
ﻳَﺎ ﺃَﻳُّﻬَﺎ ﺍﻟَّﺬِﻳﻦَ ﺁﻣَﻨُﻮﺍ ﻗُﻮﺍ ﺃَﻧْﻔُﺴَﻜُﻢْ ﻭَﺃَﻫْﻠِﻴﻜُﻢْ ﻧَﺎﺭًﺍ ﻭَﻗُﻮﺩُﻫَﺎ ﺍﻟﻨَّﺎﺱُ ﻭَﺍﻟْﺤِﺠَﺎﺭَﺓُ ﻋَﻠَﻴْﻬَﺎ ﻣَﻠَﺎﺋِﻜَﺔٌ ﻏِﻠَﺎﻅٌ ﺷِﺪَﺍﺩٌ ﻟَﺎ ﻳَﻌْﺼُﻮﻥَ ﺍﻟﻠَّﻪَ ﻣَﺎ ﺃَﻣَﺮَﻫُﻢْ ﻭَﻳَﻔْﻌَﻠُﻮﻥَ ﻣَﺎ ﻳُﺆْﻣَﺮُﻭﻥَ
*"O' you who have true faith! Save yourselves and your families from the fire which is fueled by people and stones and is guarded by stern angels who do not disobey Allah's (SwT) commands and do whatever they are ordered to do."* (Surah 66, Verse 6)
Therefore, the head of the house must make sure that he has *the proper Islamic knowledge* to keep himself away from the hell and more importantly, guide his wife and children to the straight path and keep them on this road. In this regards, the husband has four important duties:
1. *To invite his wife and children and any others under his care to obey Allaah (Subuhanahu wa Ta'ala). The husband should call his family to follow the religion and encourage them in this regard.*
2. *Teach those under his care their religious duties and obligations and of course this means that the husband must first and foremost know his own religion and beliefs. If he is not well acquainted with his religion, then he must employ the services of the local Masjid and the scholars and either invite them to his house or go to the Masjid for Islamic classes.*
3. *Encourage the family members to perform good deeds (Amr bil Ma'ruf), as not only is this one of the obligatory acts in our religion, but it will also help the family both in the short term and long term. If they know their responsibilities and are continuously guided to them, then peace, harmony and tranquility will rule throughout the house.*
4. *The father must also make sure and remind other members of his family to stay away from evil and sin (Nahi 'Anil Munkar). Again, this is a part of our beliefs and without doubt, that home in which people are not plagued with committing sins and evil acts is one in which Allaah (Subuhanahu wa Ta'ala) looks favourable upon and blesses the inhabitants of it.*
*BUT.......*
There may be a slightly problem when the wife want to take charge of the leadership of the MARRIAGE. Maybe simply because *she's older than the husband or richer than the husband or more knowledgeable than the husband or she is assisting the husband on one thing or the other from the financial services of the MARRIAGE.*
*WAY OUT*
We will implore such WOMAN to be cool for Allaah sake and do WHATEVER she want to use in assisting the HUSBAND for Allaah sake and hope for the reward from Allaah ALONE. And also not behave in superiority ways to the husband or trying to control the husband in whatsoever ways.
All these can make a man think of divorcing the woman or having another wife to jilt or abandon such woman.
*The DIVORCE*
Once upon a time, *"DIVORCE"* was the seven-letter word most Muslim couples avoided using. Today, amongst many Muslim couples in North, now crawling into the western and eastern region part of Nigeria, it is one of the first recourses turned to when conflicts occur in a marriage. It should be remembered that out of all of the things that Allaah (Subuhanahu wa Ta'ala) has made Halaal (permissible), is divorce. Couples need to look at several other alternatives before turning to this drastic measure.
The couple should seek the help of older, wiser and trustworthy elders and Scholars who will try to help them resolve their differences. Allaah (Subuhanahu wa Ta'ala) tells us in the Quran that:
ﻭَﺇِﻥْ ﺧِﻔْﺘُﻢْ ﺷِﻘَﺎﻕَ ﺑَﻴْﻨِﻬِﻤَﺎ ﻓَﺎﺑْﻌَﺜُﻮﺍ ﺣَﻜَﻤًﺎ ﻣِﻦْ ﺃَﻫْﻠِﻪِ ﻭَﺣَﻜَﻤًﺎ ﻣِﻦْ ﺃَﻫْﻠِﻬَﺎ ﺇِﻥْ ﻳُﺮِﻳﺪَﺍ ﺇِﺻْﻠَﺎﺣًﺎ ﻳُﻮَﻓِّﻖِ ﺍﻟﻠَّﻪُ ﺑَﻴْﻨَﻬُﻤَﺎ ۗ ﺇِﻥَّ ﺍﻟﻠَّﻪَ ﻛَﺎﻥَ ﻋَﻠِﻴﻤًﺎ ﺧَﺒِﻴﺮًﺍ
*"If there appears to be discord between a wife and her husband and if they desire reconciliation, then choose arbiters from the families of both sides. Allaah (Subuhanahu wa Ta'ala) will bring them together; Allaah (Subuhanahu wa Ta'ala) is All-Knowing and All-Aware."* (Surah 4, Verse 35)
*WAY OUT*
Generally, the couple needs to make a sincere and concerted effort to try and work things out before divorce is even considered. And even look into THE *WWW* *what went wrong* in their MARRIAGE, either it has a solution or not.
*I strongly belief that every problem has a solution.*
*SEX! SEX!! SEX!!! PROBLEMS (INESCAPABLE)*
It is unrealistic to expect the issue of sex and sex-related problems to mysteriously disappear once a couple gets married. In the sex-saturated culture of North, and some WEST couples tend to place very high expectations of each other in this area. They also expect instant results.
In reality, it takes time, commitment, disappointment and investment to establish a sexual relationship in marriage which is in tune with the needs of each partner. It's important for Muslim couples to walk into marriage with proper information about sex and sexual etiquette from an Islamic perspective ( the book CLOSER THAN GARMENT by Muhammad Jibaly). They both need to know what is Halaal (permissible) and what is Haraam (forbidden). They should also keep in mind that spouses must never discuss their sexual relationship with others, unless it is to get help for a specific problem and that too one must get it from the right person.
On a similar note, it is important for both the husband and the wife to remember that they need to make themselves physically attractive for each other. Too many couples take marriage to mean an excuse to now let themselves go. The couple or one of the partners may gain too much weight, or may not care about hygiene or their looks in general.
The universal teachings of Islam also instructs the husband and wife to maintain cleanliness and beauty for the spouse.
The Prophet (May the peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) has commanded us that:
ﺇِﻥّ ﺍﻟﻠﻪَ ﺟَﻤِﻴﻞٌ ﻳُﺤِﺐُّ ﺍﻟْﺠَﻤﺎﻝِ ﻭَﻳُﺤِﺐُّ ﺃَﻥْ ﻳُﺮﻯ ﺃَﺛَﺮَ ﺍﻟﻨِّﻌْﻤَﺔِ ﻋَﻠﻰ ﻋَﺒْﺪِﻩِ .
*"Certainly Allah (SwT) is Beauty and He (only) loves beauty and He loves to see the effects of (His) blessings and bounties on His servants."*
Thus, both the husband and wife must take the time out of their schedules to maintain proper hygiene, to look nice for one another and other such things related to their physical appearance. Our beloved Prophet (May the peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) has recommended husband and wife both to do these things.
Today, you see couples, because of one loop holes from one of the SPOUSE, they think of divorcing him or her. The first thig should be *Does this problem has a solution or not?* not divorce. Many of the sexual problems has prophetic solutions bi Ithinillaah.
Moreover, some sexual problems are not medicinal but was caused by what we consumed. How many of the Umm's use ginger to cook for Abu's? And you are there complaining that Abu CANNOT do more than one round. Why will he? How many Abu's romance and make Umm's to beg for penetration before you put the nail in the hole?
We need to assist ourselves in this area. Let me not talk too much in this area cos of the Apons.
*OUR BOTH PARENTS*
The first few years of marriage are not just a period of adjustment for the married couple, rather, it is one of getting used to in-laws as well.
Husbands, wives and in-laws need to practice the Islamic rules of social relations with each other. These include avoiding: sarcasm, backbiting, calling each other by offensive nicknames, and instead, making a special effort to respect each other as a family.
More importantly too, comparisons need to be avoided, since every individual and every couple is different. Therefore, wives should not be compared to mothers and sisters and similarly, husbands should not be compared to fathers and brothers. In-laws should not be compared to parents, and so on.
In addition, there should be regular, healthy contact between spouses and in-laws. This can mean visiting each other at least once or twice a month, or phoning regularly if distance makes it difficult to get together.
We should remember that many times in the Quran, we have been ordered to maintain our family ties and relationships and one of the greatest sins in Islam is to sever ties with family members. However at the same time, the husband and wife must maintain a balance between the time they spend with parents/in-laws and with themselves.
ALLAAH Subuhanahu wa Ta'ala says:
ﺇِﻥَّ ﺍﻟﻠَّﻪَ ﻳَﺄْﻣُﺮُ ﺑِﺎﻟْﻌَﺪْﻝِ ﻭَﺍﻟْﺈِﺣْﺴَﺎﻥِ ﻭَﺇِﻳﺘَﺎﺀِ ﺫِﻱ ﺍﻟْﻘُﺮْﺑَﻰٰ ﻭَﻳَﻨْﻬَﻰٰ ﻋَﻦِ ﺍﻟْﻔَﺤْﺸَﺎﺀِ ﻭَﺍﻟْﻤُﻨْﻜَﺮِ ﻭَﺍﻟْﺒَﻐْﻲِ ۚ ﻳَﻌِﻈُﻜُﻢْ ﻟَﻌَﻠَّﻜُﻢْ ﺗَﺬَﻛَّﺮُﻭﻥَ
*"Surely Allah (SwT) commands (people) to maintain justice, kindness, and proper relations with their relatives. He forbids them to commit indecency, sin, and rebellion and (Allah) gives you advice so that perhaps you will take heed."* (Surah 16, Verse 90)
In another verse of the Quran, Allaah (Subuhanahu wa Ta'ala) instructs us as such:
ﻳَﺎ ﺃَﻳُّﻬَﺎ ﺍﻟﻨَّﺎﺱُ ﺍﺗَّﻘُﻮﺍ ﺭَﺑَّﻜُﻢُ ﺍﻟَّﺬِﻱ ﺧَﻠَﻘَﻜُﻢْ ﻣِﻦْ ﻧَﻔْﺲٍ ﻭَﺍﺣِﺪَﺓٍ ﻭَﺧَﻠَﻖَ ﻣِﻨْﻬَﺎ ﺯَﻭْﺟَﻬَﺎ ﻭَﺑَﺚَّ ﻣِﻨْﻬُﻤَﺎ ﺭِﺟَﺎﻟًﺎ ﻛَﺜِﻴﺮًﺍ ﻭَﻧِﺴَﺎﺀً ۚ ﻭَﺍﺗَّﻘُﻮﺍ ﺍﻟﻠَّﻪَ ﺍﻟَّﺬِﻱ ﺗَﺴَﺎﺀَﻟُﻮﻥَ ﺑِﻪِ ﻭَﺍﻟْﺄَﺭْﺣَﺎﻡَ ۚ ﺇِﻥَّ ﺍﻟﻠَّﻪَ ﻛَﺎﻥَ ﻋَﻠَﻴْﻜُﻢْ ﺭَﻗِﻴﺒًﺎ
*"O' Mankind! Have fear of your Lord who has created you from a single soul. From it He created your spouse and through them He populated the land with many men and women. Have fear of the One by whose Name you swear to settle your differences and have respect for the wombs that bore you. Allaah (Subuhanahu wa Ta'ala) certainly keeps watch over you."* (Surah 4, Verse 1).
So, try to be friendly with your spouse in laws. Especially, the wife. When you are good to them, they will always fight for you with their own child because of your good relationship with them. But if you keep malice and discord with them, you have pave a way out for yourself without knowing.
I talk my own oo.
*REALITIES IN MARRIAGE*
Brothers and Sisters in Islam fall in LOVE. They live happily ever after LIKE *Krishna and Radha in an Indian film.* This is the plot of many Hollywood movies, where everyone is *"perfect"*. That's what some BROTHERS and SISTERS are imagining. Real life is very different my brothers and sisters in Islam.
Couples may enter marriage with high-flying romantic ideas and expecting their partner to be the ideal human, however all humans have good and bad points. Husbands and wives have to learn to accept each other, warts and all and since we ourselves are not perfect, how can we expect that form someone else?
Let's forget all those illusions we are hoping for. FOLLOW Allaah's instructions in your MATRIMONIAL HOME and everything will be as you have wanted but with little little scratch that will make you realize that THIS place is Duniya not Al-Jannah. Only in AL-JANNAH we will be having no shortcomings my brothers and sisters.
So, cut your illusions short. Even if you marry your dream man or woman, that doesn't mean you will not be having one problem or the other with him or her.
This is the reality of MARITAL AFFAIRS.
*DOING THINGS SEPARATELY*
Some couples had destroyed their own marriage by doing things SEPARATELY. Eating, bathing, praying NAWAFIL, playing, reading Qur'an separately etc. *WHY NOT DONE TOGETHER?*
Making a schedule may seem like an end to spontaneity but that is not true. It allows you to establish your own lifestyle and rituals as a couple. It is especially important if both the husband and wife are going to school and/or working. In this scenario, a schedule helps in setting time aside for each other, during a fast-paced week of work and studies.
Some rituals couples can establish may include:
• *Praying at least one prayer together.*
• *Performing the recommended supplications such as NAWAFIL, reading if Hadith, memorizing the quran etc... together.*
• *Attending a study circle together once a week.*
• *Deciding on a weekly menu.*
• *Having a pancake or juice breakfast every Saturday morning.*
• *Setting aside one day on which no work or studying will be done.*
• *Setting a day when both the husband and wife will clean up the house.*
• *Setting a time to discuss finances and a budget.*
• *Making a phone call or messages to your spouse during the day.*
• *Deciding on a particular day and time once a month at least to visit each other's parents.*
By discussing and setting up these things, couples learn how to talk to and feel responsible for each other. They also learn to become a team instead of two people living in the same house with separate lives.
Try it and you will be couples forever.
*MARRIAGE*
men who have grown up in a village where everyone sleeps as early as possible may find marriage enjoyable. But those who live in Urban areas may find MARRIAGE to be restricting because they won't be able to stay out late as they do before MARRIAGE. After all, before, they could hang out with their buddies and come home around 11:00 p.m. and no one would say a word. After marriage though, they have to be home by 7:00 p.m. if not earlier!
I heard of a MARRIAGE which is about to collapse a week or two weeks after Walimatun Nikah because the HUSBAND went out to look MAN U ball and come back late at night. Leaving the wife only at home.
*Subuhanallaah! Shame on you faaa*
While marriage comes with responsibilities and a tighter schedule, the benefits are also there. It takes time and patience to realize that in the end the benefits (i.e. a life partner, children, etc.) are greater than the restrictions.
Your life needs change immediately you MARRY. Both couples ni o.
FRIENDS AND ISLAMIC ACTIVITIES
Friends are a joy and a good friend is someone you want to be close to for the rest of your life. But friends are often the source of many marriage conflicts. Too much time spent with friends - either hanging out with them or being on the phone - means time lost with one's spouse.
Also, friends, especially if they are of the same age group, may give the wrong advice on marriage, due to their own inexperience in the area.
Some possible solutions to the friend dilemma could be:
Working out a "friends time" at least once a week where the husband and the wife meet and/or talk with friends privately.
• Developing friendships with other married couples so spouses can befriend spouses (but keeping in mind the separation of the sexes).
• Islamic activities fall in a similar category. Young Muslim activists may think they can keep attending those three-hour Islamic discussions as they did before marriage. No time for that AGAIN ooo. Your best halqah is with your SPOUSE.
Not so.
Too much focus on outside Islamic activities takes one away from spouse time. Give Islamic activities their due, but within a balance of everyone's rights, including those of your spouse.
Giving Each Other Space
A number of couples think being married means always being together and serving each other on hand and foot.
Wives may initially take over all the household chores, not letting the husband help or even do his own things (i.e. ironing his own clothes). They later regret this as household responsibilities increase and their husbands become dependent on them for the smallest things.
Husbands may think getting married means being with their wives all the time. This later may lead them to becoming irritable and cranky.
The key is to focus on being caring, fond of and accepting each other and giving each other sufficient space, yet at the same time, being there for one another. Doing this provides a necessary balance in a relationship which is so close both physically and emotionally.
ﻗﺎﻝَ ﺭَﺳُﻮﻝُ ﺍﻟﻠﻪِ ( ﺻَﻠَّﻰ ﺍﻟﻠﻪُ ﻋَﻠَﻴﻪِ ﻭَﺁﻟِﻪِ ﻭَﺳَﻠّﻢَ ) : ﻣَﻦْ ﺗَﺰَﻭَّﺝَ ﺃَﺣْﺮَﺯَ ﻧَﺼْﻒَ ﺩِﻳَﻨِﻪِ
The Messenger of Allaah (May the peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) has said, He who marries has safeguarded half of his religion.
Forgive me for taking much of your time and May Allaah Subuhanahu wa Ta'ala forgive me too from which I might have done mistake.....be it in saying or typing or quoting.
Anything I said so far which is good is from Allaah Subuhanahu wa Ta'ala and the mistakes are from my imperfections and souls.
May Allaah Subuhanahu wa Ta'ala strengthen us upon Khayr and accept this from us as an act of ibaadah.