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I don't know How I start this. But I would like to express my feelings right now because I don't have someone to talk with.
I'm sorry if this will be seems like it is very Over Acting to you but please be with me just for this moment because I am very hurt today.
Do you know that, I am trying my best just so that my family will appreciate my simple effort? I am giving some foods too, when we don't have to eat using my own money. I am doing the chores, when there is no someone who will do it or so that my Grandmother will do less work. But when I do that all, they cannot eat the food that I always buy, they still not see the efforts that I always do everytime i do some works at our house and when I am laying in my bed, they will nag to me and say that I am lazy.
Do you know how much years I am struggling with this kind of family? Not just me but also my Sister. They express that we are not welcome to this family. I still remember the time, when my father is still here. He doing his best, Cooking for us and buying some Food but just like what they always do, they cannot eat it but when the food that he buy is gone they will looking for it to us and said, "You buy foods but you will just finish it?". Like this is the reason maybe why my father was always drinking alcohol and going home here every night when he is still here. Because it is hurting him and he feel that this family cannot accept him as a member of this family.
When I was young, I cannot understand what's happening and what's my Parents struggling with this kind of family. But now that I grow up, I finally understand the feeling and it is very hurt. I understand that we are not really accepted to this family, because they cannot treat us just like what they treat to my cousins. They much love them and noticing them than us.
With this kind of living with them everyday, I learned not to put some more effort anymore because they will just wasting it. I learned to be cold to them to avoid the feeling to be hurt with their words. Because their act, their words, is very painful because it is stabbing to my heart and memories will be in my mind forever.
I know, We are just living in the same roof, we don't own anything here. I know that my mother is not like his sisters and brothers but do my mother really deserved to be treat like this? Treating her different from this family, treating us like this because our parents is different from them. We are just poor, of course her sisters and brothers is graduated from college and my Mother is got pregnant early. But do we deserved to treated like this? They cannot say it but they will express how they hate us to be here.
How I wish, I can still go home in our old home. Because i don't like here anymore. Everytime, every seconds, hours, and days and nights that I am here, it is feels like torturing my self. My childhood is just a fake happiness. I feel like not all the things that they do to us is really meaningful because of course they can feel necessite at first before they give or do it.
Until now, They give us in package of my aunt our name was there but it is not many like what those other family members got. But this time it is just only me, i got a tshirts that looks like it is be wearing in the house only and while my cousins and sister got so many beautiful dress, shorts, and tshirts. I didn't expect it because i am get used to it. What's new? Treating like different, I am get used to it but I cannot still hide the pain and my tears because of it.
I am always wrong and they are all right. I am always not good to their eyes and they always compare me with others
This is me, This is really me I don't need to change myself and make myself like others because this is me.
They didn't accept my efforts because it is just simple, not just like others always give to them.
Sorry if you don't like simple foods, you don't like foods from useless person like me. Don't eat it then, but stop looking when it's gone because of course the foods that I buy will be waste if i don't eat them.
I am just buying myself some new things from my allowance from my mother and they always nagging because I buy nonsense stuffs, and I am like
I'm sorry because I don't have a Father and my Mother is just working OFW just to give us the things that we don't have and she is not graduated from college like your favorites. What to do? She is just like that so do you need to tell to us face to face that we are just poor and cannot give you some money? You hate us because we didn't give enough money but when your other childs is being like that too you don't complain.
Seriously, I am very very dissapointed by this Family. How I wish I am not born but of course I am thankful that I meet a good, understandable, and loving Mother. I am very contented with my Mother's love to me. The others is not important to me the most important for me is my Mother didn't change, she is still My Mother that I meet with the narrow eyes since when I first opened it in this World.
It is okay if I didn't put some effort now. I don't care to them anymore. The more I do good, the more Hurtful words I get.
I don't like to feel the pain anymore. I don't like to endure those feelings. I don't like to live the way I am weak, I want to fight.
It is okay to be rude to the people like them because not everyone deserved to be treated good, Age doesn't matter if they think that you are rude to them it is their fault because of their behaviour. They didn't deserved some respect at all. Not becayse they are senior citizens it doesn't mean that we can respect them when they are too much. You have some feelings an you don't need to endure those feelings just to live.
I learned to spread my own wings and not pretending my true feelings. I am not in the wrong when i fight because I am fighting my own right and I believed, I am free to do my right in this world.
I like to live in a Mature way, maybe now I have nothing but someday when I work hard, I can give all the best for my Mother and we will lived far away from this family where they cannot reach us when they are in need.
Thank you for reading! I'm sorry if it is very dramatic. Well, i don't have someone to talk so I will write it down my feelings here so that I can expressed it.