How to say if that someone is your First Love?

I am inlove with someone and He is my First Love since I fall inlove to him. He is just my crush for almost 11 years but I consider him as my First Love.

Why?

Because he is the first guy that I like. He is the reasons why. I experience different things about love that new to me in my young age.

Well, It was start in our Grade 4 days. Actually, he is my 'Kababata' or in english my childhood friend. Since when we are studying in the same school of kindergarten and we become friends not just the two of us but we also have some another two friends but we became not close because our two other friends transfer school after that and the two of us left behind so our friendship is still strong.

I still remember the memories, 'Because when you are inlove, you never forget the memories that you share with that someone ...because it is special'. It is became part of your life and memories that you will never forget until the rest of your life.

I don't delete those memories with him even if he already erased me in his life. After those happiness, joy, laughs that we share together at that time..I didn't know that it is just temporary.

Years past and I am still in love with that someone. Even if I have a boyfriend, I can't help myself but to still think about him. Maybe, that's the reason why I don't like to introduce my boyfriend in my family and friends because I still like and love that someone.

He is the only one that I love. Even if I express how i love him he is hurting me by his actions. He didn't like me and I know that. I still remember those times, during our high school days, I ignored those hurting actions and words by him. It hurts and Maybe, I cried every night but I never surrender. I still continue to like him no matter what.

He knows that I like him and I don't know when. My friends is his friends too so maybe they said it to him. I didn't do proper confession to him because I am scared by the words that I will hear because based on his actions to me, I know that he will never accept my feelings.

So, during those years that I survived and I still breath, I just always see him in a far away. Watching him how he smiles and laugh to everyone..except to me of course. He always change his behavior when I am near to him or joining them so I always distance myself maybe because I am scared that I might ruined his moment with them. So I learned to distance my self because I know that he already forget those memories that I am with him.

I don't know but some of my friends noticed that before, we are more close better than them but now, We didn't even smile to each other, talk, and so on.

'I can't even stare at him for too long because my heart always beat so fast and I am nervous with he is looking at me too.'

So everytime our eyes meet, I am always the first who will looked away. I don't know but I am shy at the same time, I am scared to him.

I always with him when our classmates want a outing. In a resort, in someone's house, etc. We are always drinking alcohol when we are together with our friends. So every time I am already drunk, I look at him because I know that, that is just the time that I have a courage to stare at him, because I am weak when I am not drunk.

I know that I don't have a chance to be with him forever but I am thankful to my friends because they always invite me when he is also there because that is the only chance that i will be with him and see him.

Being in love to the person that I love, is very difficult esp. when that someone is never see you the way you look to that someone. I experienced a lot of pain because of him but I never surrender and never forget him because that is how I like him. I am okay with seeing him far away as long as I see him smile and laugh. Because seeing your love one happy even if you are not the reason, you can tell that it is okay as long as you see that they are happy. Am I right?

Many people around us always say to me that I should better stop fantalizing him because it is not healthy to me anymore. I should better find someone who will distract my feelings toward him so that I can forget him. Because my friends cannot bare seeing me always hurt because of him. But do you know that even If I can find another if my heart cannot feel the same way that I feel to him?

I feel sorry to those guys who feel in love with me. Because I cannot love them the way they love me coz' I am still in love to someone that I know that I can never had.

So I promise to myself that I will never married with someone who is not him. So if I can't marry him, I will stay maiden until the rest of my life. Because he is just the only one that I love the most.

I write this because his friend is here. I invite him to join here but he didn't know my name because he just search the name of this Platform and I didn't give him the link.

So, Hey If you read this. Tell to your friend to read this article. I know that he didn't like to read it but I am hoping. See you soon!

Thank you for reading!