When you're young, are you curious too ,if what is the feelings if one of your family member died?
When I am in gradeschool, I am asking what is the feeling if you've lost one of your love ones, or a family member. I know that it really hurts and sadness is there. But I wanna felt that time , how hurt or sad being a bereave family? How did they move on, or how did they handle loneliness for someone they'd miss whom passingby? And a lot of questions in my mind when one of our schoolmate and classmates died at a young age.
Mother and relatives of ours died, neighbors. But I am very thankful at that time, that we are all complete our family. Because I thought maybe, if this happens to our family, how can we live?How can we move on, and do we really move on or accept the truth easily? I am frightened of that thoughts, because my small heart can't accept if what might happened to my family. I know to myself that I can't handle it . And that's a big questionmark to my mind," How to handle and face if this tragic of life comes to us".
Time passes by, let's move forward to where I am grown enough. I forgot all those stupid question in mind. We had a fight with my papa(father). For a complicated reasons, I lost my respect to him and I'm looking a way to go far from my hometown and comeback to where I'm working, before going back home that time. My mother warned me not to tell to my eldest sister and older brother about what happened between me and my father.
So I did what my mother requested. And going back to the city with my other sibling. But one day my younger sister just mention it unintentionally to our Ate. She make an excuses and some alibi to cut their convo but our eldest sister forced her to tell the truth because she knew that I never made an argument if I was not right in my decision or my Manang(ate-our callsign for eldest sister) knows that I made an argument or fight something when I knew that I am in a right claim or position. So my Manang won and she told her everything.
Then two months passedby, I am working already, not even recovering yet my debts from our fares that my boss sent me for I've been asking it.
A night before father's day, I inserted my simcard to the phone of my daughter's boss. I read one message and it says. "(kawawa naman kayo tsoy, fathers day pa naman bukas.). Its Father's day tomorrow, and I feel pitied on you." Then I called her. And I even scold her not to joke like that. I am shouting out loud and cried after of what I've heard from her. She even comforted me and told that I need to confirm it coz that's all she knew. Because she too not in our hometown, shes working somewhere like me. Then because of noise I made, that I was crying out loud from the deepest chamber of my heart, all of my companion at that house ,were all taking up stair to check if what was happening. I don't want to believe the news, its maybe a fake news. So I called out one of our neighbors cellphone coz that time my family don't have one. And she told me everything and it was true, that my father was dead.
It hurts, so much pain I bear that time. Aside from being blame by my brother for not telling him the truth, I don't have any chance to lower my pride and to ask forgiveness from my father. It's too late. He doesn't hear me anymore. And aside from that, I have a lot of questions and complaint for him if there is still time to talk to him. But no more time , no chance to talk to him personally.
At my age 21 years young, I don't know how to handle problems that time: much better to go away and just neglect it(the problem). My young mind can't handle and don't have that capability of taking care of those problems. In which I think that my decision was right,is to stay away from it.
It's really hard for me to bear it,after my father died. I had a lot of complaint to him but I can't open it or voice it out personally when he still alive,that is why I look a job far from our hometown to avoid those problems or misuderstanding with my father.
Even when in my dreams. At first when he appeared and visit me in my dream, I still hate him. Through in my dreams I open up, all my hurtfeelings towards him. How and Why did he do those things to us? I even ask him in my dreams that: "after you knew that you already dead! Who you visit first,is you visited them first?" I cried in my dreams and its just like ,its real that were talking with my father. Because when I awoke from that dream there were tears in my eyes.
When I'm alone, I still crying and I can't accept the truth, even at my work when no ones there my tears voluntarily falling down in my checks, when I remember my father. I regreted that, all the time. I don't even made a move even a little decision on how to make it right. I don't even talk to my father to make things be cleared . So that he can explain his side and he may know also towards my feelings. And the burden and hurtache is still inside me for a long time. And I forgot to count the years , if till when did I carried all those sadness and loneliness in my heart . But actually for the second time my father appeared in my dream, this time I ask him for my forgiveness. It's just like he appeared me personally through in my dream. And after that time, my burden and sadness in my heart were lessen. And I started to understand in every situition and slowly I am moving on and accepted the truth. Third time when my father appear in my dream, he told me that we need to help each other(my siblings).Lend our helping hands always and reaching out each other . That was his last will to me through in my dreams. Sorry for my grammar , I can't clearly elaborate it.
Lesson: Don't reject your problem, instead just face it. We must to face it and talk, poured out all that hurt feelings of yours if you hate someone most especially if they are your family member and open it up, don't try to avoid it coz it's all going back to you someday, you will carry the burden that kills you slowly. If you can't handle that sorrows.
And now I understand and have the sympathy also for those who had lost their family member. Most especially, todays happenings, there will be a lot of people died throughout the whole world. My sympathy and prayers to those families had gone through for lossing their loveones because of this pandemic. Stay strong and go on, move forward, there is still life and a lot of reasons to laugh and to live.
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I understand now everything and accepted the truth and moving on.
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