The sincerest apology

So you messed up and you gotta say I'm sorry, the problem is the other person, they're not having it. So what you can do when you're apologizing but the other person isn’t ready to accept it?

Part of the reality of being a human, unfortunately, is that we mess up. We hurt people and we do things that we have to apologize for. It is not fun and it's not pleasant but it happens. So have you ever been in a situation where you do that - you mess up and you say I'm sorry? You apologize to the other person and then they're not ready to accept your apology?

So what to do then?

Stay steady in your apology and don't take it back

I can't tell you how many times I've seen or heard this happen where someone says I'm sorry and the other person says I don't accept your apology. You basically say like “well I wasn't sorry anyway.” We’re not third graders on a playground right?

When someone doesn't accept your apology it stings and you kind of your stunts avoid that knee-jerk reaction of taking the apology back. Stay steady and leave the apology out there.

Don't get defensive

Apologizing is very vulnerable right? Because you're approaching that apology and that person kind of putting yourself out there, sticking your neck up there and acknowledging your wrongdoing. So when someone doesn't accept your apology, you often feel rejected, hurt, disappointed. So sit with those emotions right. Don't flip them into anger or frustration and then get defensive. Acknowledge those feelings for what they are. You feel hurt, rejected, disappointed, confused, caught off guard, you feel stuck, whatever it is acknowledged those emotions. Don't turn them around and get defensive. That will not help your case.

Give them some space

Back off a little bit. You know the phrase if at first you don't succeed, try and try again. That does not apply in this situation at least not right away. If you've apologized and they're not ready to hear it or accept your apology, respect their space. Back off and give them some time. Whatever you did in the first place that prompted the apology that was bad enough right, don't make it worse by disrespecting their wishes and ignoring their need for space. Put the apology out there. Stick with it and don't get defensive and then give them some space to process and absorb and think through.

Show them your apology with your actions

That phrase that your parents probably said over and over as a kid “actions speak louder than words” that applies here. Whatever it is that you're apologizing for, show them that you're sorry by working on or correcting those actions. So if you've been more irritable with your partner and you snapped at them and you're apologizing for that but they're not hearing it, stick with it and show them. Be more patient, be more kind, be more thoughtful in your communications. If you haven't been checking on a friend and you been a little too into yourself and they acknowledge that it hurt their feelings and they're not ready to accept your apology, be consistent. Continue to show up for them. Don't just talk about it, do it.

If they're not hearing or taking your verbal apology, continue to show them through the way you interact that you are working to do things differently.

Revisit the issue right

If you've done those four things, if you've you know stuck with the apology, you haven't gotten defenses, you've given them their space, you've shown them with actions and if a little bit of time has passed, revisit the issue. See how the relationship feels. If it still feels like there's tension or awkwardness or something needs some repair revisit the issue.