When I felt lost, when I felt like I didn't know who I was or where I wanted to go, I focused on keeping myself distracted. The easy way out. I binge-watched series and movies. I was constantly consuming popular fiction-making sure that I didn't have to deal with reality.
This was during the teenage I think. I wasn't happy with who I was believed to be and how I was perceived. For their perception had become my reality. I had lost touch with my younger self and was far from knowing who I was. I didn't know me. I didn't know what made me. I don't mean like carbon and water but my beliefs, my attributes, my virtues. The things that truly made me, me.
Mostly the reason was that I was constantly surrounded by media and didn't give myself any time to observe or think. I stopped using my mind at all. Just always curious about what's going to happen next. Always looking for external stimulation.
And so I had completely lost touch with my dreams. I was a kid who believed in magic, who believed in the wonder that this world had to offer. But then it just stopped making a difference. I never thought about any of it. I had stopped thinking about magic and became a realist.
I am not sure why I chose to believe only that I could see and not in what I could feel. After all, we do have 5 other senses than sight. For some reason, I wanted to be the person who believed in reality and was very 'practical' and 'analytical.'
Another thing that caused the doom of me. When I started trying to be something that looked cool and mature in cinema, I stopped being myself. I never gave myself any space to be me. I never gave myself a chance to understand who I was and what I believed in.
It was only after trying to fit myself in someone else's shoes and sitting in other people's chairs that I realized that all of that was not me. I wasn't analytical. I could be, but I didn't want to be so stiff (in a manner of speaking). I knew I was missing something. I just had to figure out what.
And, that figuring out took me a little over a decade. I was missing out on the wonder, and I was missing out on the magic. I was missing out on the power of my imagination. I like to create stories, I like to write stories. I like to talk and share even if it's only with a select few people. While I was trying to be someone that looked cool in a story, I was missing out on myself.
The analytical world is kind of boring for me (no offense). Some might say that believing in magic means I am retarded. But isn't manifestation the same thing? Just minus the magic wand and the sparkly neon trail of a spell. Maybe, maybe not. But I believe it to be the same thing.
The time that I started to reconnect with all of this is when I heard the dialogue (paraphrasing) "in your world, it's called magic, in ours, it's called science. But it's the same thing." from movie Thor. I am not sure which part it was in but surprisingly it just stuck with me.
Later I came across the book The Secret and learned from a few other things that happened in between. Most importantly I learned to observe and stopped using the word coincidences. "There are no coincidences" from Kung Fu Panda.
Yes, I still consume a lot of media, but now I don't watch Murder Mysteries, Detective series, and weird fiction where the fate of the world lies in the hands of teens and pre-teens. Or where it's okay to kill 500 strangers to save 1 friend. Come on that's a bit too far. Don't you agree!
So now at this moment in time, I can surely tell you that I completely believe in magic and see the natural world with wonder just like my younger self. So no one and nothing can disconnect me from me ever again.