Do you feel it?
this is gonna be a serious entry cause I thought I learned something important bout myself
might be true might be academically not but eh it helps me
let's talk about validation
this seems to be a foundation of confidence
when you say your own thoughts in exchange for an expectation
and that expectation was not met?
what would happen to you
that feeling of having no control, and the overbearing thought of "they must hate" me fogging up your mind
and this will leave you traumatized and this will create a wiring in your brain and if you have not been aware at this train of thought
then will this be become a loop?
even if it is, it's not too late to fix that right?
we just need to trigger it to create another wiring in your brain
fascinating?
imagine if you have been living in a life where they only validate you when it's always about them
like you are a caregiver of their own needs, but no reciprocality was given back
i mean yea ye shall not be kind in expect from something
but what if it's your parents, your foundation?
is it selfish to ask for something like emotional guidance?
I think this is where a reactor is born
we failed to recognize our own train of thoughts
cause we're too much preoccupied in what the other people see us as
and what shall we do to be that person
because it hurts when they're disappointed,right?
I have been at lost for a long time
cause i was dumbfounded on how quickly they react at things
and how they could have improptu speeches when talking to people
I usually have no thoughts or would stutter alot when I'm talking about myself or my own opinion
like if I have never seek validation from my opinion, I'm too scared to say it
That's why this diary helps me realize alot of things yeyeye
I have wondered how they could have a stream of consciousness
which mine only comes once in a while
this might explain my foggy memory
cause from my experience I could only remember things if I have this stream of consciousness
that's why now I would think about things no matter how unneccessary they are
like i'm writing at my laptop at this time and i'm sitting in a chair with me feeling like this and like that
especially feelings, that helps alot
also we have this ideology where we strive to be happy
but in the process of disregarding sadness
like this "no its just a thought,i'm happy"
no you're not
you're having a chemical inbalance
seek help
i've had this thought when I was in 6th grade
I read my old diaries and I was sad but choose to be "happy"
whatever that means
I don't think that helped me as much as I've helped myself now
I think I only got emotionally worse
cause the time I got self-aware
I had already created a void
I was missing alot of stuffs emotionally
yayaya
so yea if you're sad then you're sad
you're the only one who knows what you feel
no need to seek validation from it
I hope this makes sense
but when it made sense to me
I now have this overflowing amount of unneccessary confidence
I can talk to people better now
well by that I mean, I can say what's on my thoughts now rather than saying what I thought they are gonna say
I'm just myself rather than "acting"
and also now I have a stream of consciousness
now, I'm keeping track of a lot of things
but this a lot of things makes me efficient in life and myself
so now I have known this.
Let's see how this will go