My Letter To My Late Ex

I woke up today a little surprised and mad that I didn't get a "Good morning baby" text or a phone call from you only to remember that the last time I received one was truly the last time I'll ever receive one.

My life has been undefined since you left me. Sometimes I wake up happy then remember that the one person I used to laugh with, smile with, and make memories with is gone. Some nights I drink myself to sleep while other nights I look at our old conversations. My friends have begged me to delete our old pictures but it's still hanged in my room, where I look at it every time I come back from work. Sometimes I'm happy that you are in a good place other times I'm sad because since you left me I've been in a bad place.

I remember how we met. You were starring at me that morning. I was tired and hungry, in a hurry to get to work, running late and frustrated. I screamed at the driver who told me an expensive price to get me to work. When you looked at me I thought you thought I was crazy but then you smiled and offered me a ride. You made funny jokes and tried to speed as fast as legal. I was happy I wasn't late that morning and that was the beginning of something amazing.

I remember how we would face time every time we were on break at work and you'd ask me to lift my mug and pretend like we're giving a toast.

I remember how you fought those boys off when they tried to ask me out or when you tried to teach me, French. The night you told me we were going to get married one day and have kids or how you always laid down on my chest and hugged me tightly.

Now everything is sad. I read my old diary today, the moments seem like yesterday. I still love you. The night you left me... In this cold world. You just wanted to have a bro's night out and I didn't want to tame you, even though I wanted you to stay with me that night. I called you to check on you and you told me everything was fine. Someone was drunk and driving and you had to pay for it. Jack and Dennis are injured but you, my love is gone.

I still have your hoodie in my closet and they've lost your smell. I cried so hard the day I realized it didn't have your smell anymore. I still want to hug you, kiss you, hold you, and make love to you. I still want to hear your fictional stories, I still want to play fight with you, go to the gym with you, take pictures with you, argue with you, I still want to be with you.

I went on a blind date my parents recommended for me, he was alright. He was handsome, tall, rich, well mannered, decent, funny, smart... But he wasn't you. You were everything I wanted in a man. Someone that could sacrifice everything for the people you loved. Someone that loved me in a way I could not love myself. It hurts me to write this letter and I want to wake up tomorrow knowing it was a dream, I want to wake up with a smile again.

Even our puppy, Speedy, misses you. I miss going to the park with you and him. I miss waking you up at night to feed Speedy. I miss arguing about who he loves more. I miss comparing our experience with him when we have kids. Whenever I come back home he's always looking outside the window... I believe he is looking for you because we always come back together after going on small dates and getting flowers or chew toys for him.

I dreamt about us. We were happy and we visited Paris, you know how much you talked about that place. We tasted several types of food and you showed me the Eiffel Tower. We lodged a hotel and you told me you are happy and you loved me. You told me you want to be with me but you can't and I laughed saying "but you are here."

I wish I didn't let you go out that night. I wish you were mad at me again... I wish you called me overly clingy and you refused to face me while sleeping. I would take that any day than losing you. I know that if you could spend 10 mins to talk to me you'd tell me to be happy and to move on... To have the family and the life I have always wanted, to love again... you'd cry with me and hug me... We would kiss passionately and you would encourage me to always reach for the stars and that is what I would do.

I miss you.