Hi. This is me again Prettydiane. I am writing this article because I really felt heavy inside lately. Just want to open it here to lighten this heavy feeling.
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Today is September 10, 2021, 2:36 p.m. I really feel pressured, empty and frustrated right now. I've been keeping it for a while now and it is already too much for me to handle these mixed emotions I've been keeping.
When..
One of the reason is PRESSURE. I feel pressured about my goals in life. I studied for 7 long years in college and just when I thought everything was going smoothly, Covid happened. Didn't had the chance to participate in any graduation ceremony because it was postponed 'till now. Even the board exam was postponed. The pressure of me wanting to give back to my parents grew bigger each day. I feel useless for being a jobless woman for 2 years. I feels useless for just sitting here crying about all these mixed emotions I've been carrying. And I want it to stop. I don't know if my period affects my sudden burst of emotions today, but yes, I literally feel all of those lately.
Why..
We're 8 in the family, my sister is the only one providing for us. I feel ashamed if sometimes I can't help them in paying bills at home. They didn't ask me money but the fact that they are not asking makes me want to help them because obviously they need my help. How could I help my family if I couldn't even help myself stand up and be strong. For those of you who didn't know me, I've been actually suffering from anxieties for more than a year now. It is the reason why I can't sleep peacefully every night. I always have a tiring day because my mind just creates worst scenes in my head. I only calmed down thinking God is with me.
Comparing..
It became worst seeing my friends getting their goals in life. Some already has a business and it is continuously growing. Some are getting pregnant. Some are getting married. Some are enjoying their lives travelling around the world, and here's me, a jobless woman who isn't prepared to get married yet because I am not financially stable and emotionally ready.
I still have lots to prove to myself and to my family. I still want to become a licensed Civil Engineer. I want to make them proud because of the success I've become. I just want to be like others.
But, I shouldn't..
I shouldn't compare myself to others because they are they and I am, me. I should not envy others because they worked hard everything they have right now before they became successful. I should be proud of myself because I am an independent woman who dreams big for her family. I should be proud of myself because I've conquered those 7 years in college working as a callcenter while studying. I should be proud of myself because despite of those challenges, I never stop myself from dreaming.
~~ A little advise to myself~~
Your small success is still a big success. Your life may differ to others but know someone believes in you because you also believe in them. Be thankful for all the small things you have because contentment is one of the secret to not feel jealous towards other's success. You are not alone, your family is with you most especially God.
Sorry for being so emotional. I felt i needed to release it. I felt I needed someone's advise.
Thank you reading my article! Sorry if I have to burst it out!
Don't pressure yourself. Kasi the more na ippressure mo sarili mo, the more ang self-pity. Been there, done that. Mahirap actually. Isa din reason bakit di na ako masyado nagFacebook/Instagram/Youtube. I can't help but to envy other people. Pero alam ko that before those people.achieve what they have today, they also went through a lot. I have been on and off from work over the past decade. Ever since it has been my das who haa been providing for us until now. His pension is just enough for the utilities, basic necessities and their maintenance medicines. I have been unemployed for almost 5 years. Not something that I should be proud of but I am really trying my best so I can one day be able to help my dad.