What they never teach you in that fancy secondary school of yours is how to find yourself as an adult. They might tell you what course you should study, they would teach you Mathematics, English, Government, the pure sciences and all that but they would never teach you how to actually find yourself. Unfortunately, you're the only one who can teach you to be comfortable in your own skin.***
Jeff Dike sat in his exam hall and shivered in fear as he couldn't answer a lot of questions on his Neuroanatomy paper. He remembered the weeks and months leading up to that day. He had by every standard the aptitude to garner a pass. Maybe not enough for a distinction but nevertheless he had studied but even when he studied he felt an integral part of him is being detached -a feeling he couldn't really explain or put in words. It was almost like he was trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. He stared at his paper and wondered what had happened to him because not long ago he was hailed as a very intelligent boy by his peers. He can't seem to recognise that 10-years- old person 8years ago who was so confident, winning awards and laurels for his outstanding performances then because since he enrolled in the college of medicine it was a difference ball game entirely. It was like he had lost a part of his soul. He could not recognise this shadow that he called himself.
Jeff Dike had walked into his first college lecture with high hopes of finally becoming a preclinical medical student but that euphoria soon became null as the reality of the work load and the unfair environment got to him. He would walk into a classroom meant for about 300 students instead almost 500 or more students will be crammed into the class. The air thick with sweats of people fighting for knowledge. It was a dog-eat-dog world. The undue stress didn't end there, most times their projector wouldn't work and the fans were as good as a knife in a gun fight. So apparently one had to come at least 30 minutes before time to get a good seat. Lecturers also had their part to play in this misery as they treated the students like they had no rights, like they were less humans. The entire ordeal could push one beyond breaking point and Jeff Dike was very close to breaking.
The entire experience could be dehumanizing as it could strip one of his identity. It increasingly became hard to maintain your sanity but these were actually the least of Jeff's problems. His internal battle for a definite identity was way worse than his external struggle to grasp the knowledge being given to him. He had begun to slowly fall into depression with smiles and laughs in daytime and dread and fear in the night. The only way he could feel better was praying to the angel of the small death. He could pile notes and materials up and tell himself he would read them. He wanted to read them, he really wanted to; but he just couldn't. He literally couldn't bring himself to. Every night the memory of who he was in the secondary school haunted him. The uptight, intelligent, conscientious goody two shoes who always knew what to say and what to do, who had total control of himself. Every night he wondered where it all went wrong. He just hoped that he didn't totally lose himself and this phase of his life won't push him to do something unspeakable. He was just barely holding himself above the water of depression with every ounce of his being. He basically just existed second by second not actually living.
Jeff Dike sat in the exam hall with all these thoughts going through his mind. He didn't know exactly what to do but to answer whatever he thought might be the right answer on his exam OMR sheet. After the exam he sat in the hall with his bones weak, spirit broken trying his best to not lose his cool. He questioned his entire existence, he questioned his sanity, he questioned the existence of his chi. He questioned his life choices that led to that moment and with all these thoughts going through his mind and he slowly fell asleep right there on the bench.
"I feel the pain cursing through my veins. I feel the anguish in my heart. Like a thousand thorns prickling my soul. Less I feel the more it hurts"
As he slept on the hard wooden chair of the lecture hall, he heard those words as he had a dream where he was staring at the reflection of his 10-years- old self. He tried to reach out to it but he couldn't. He tried speaking to it but the words didn't come out. Then like morning dew that got stuck by the golden rays of morning sun it just vanished and he woke up. It was that moment it dawned on him. He would never be like his 10-years -old self again. He would just have to find his rhythm again. He was determined to do something; he was determined to actually find himself. To find that proud 10-years-old JSS1 boy again but this time it would be in his 18-years-old broken soul.