Can I be your muse?
Can I be your muse?
You leave each day so depressed, filled with thoughts that have consumed every bit of your sanity, only to get back being the worse of your initial state.
Life has given you every negative aspect of it's possessions. Possessions that rather add up to your wretchedness.
Can I be your muse?
You roll up and down in bed, trying not to let the little stagnant tears beneath your eyelids flow down cause it'll only make you feel weaker. You've fought for so long, turning up every fallen stone, beating every barrier in set battles and never letting giving up be an option, but it's as though your efforts were unproductive.
Can I be your muse?
People have talked. People have provoked the monster in you by revealing their callous nature at every slightest disappointment you get. You endured, you never let your anger override you. You stood up like the matured and comported being you are although still occasionally reminded by those words. They never give up, never will be an option to those folks.
Can I be your muse?
They call them friends but wolves you never see. White but reflect black. They were always the closest claiming they cared and always ready to show emotions when you were down. You felt safe in their arms, you ran to them for comfort in the toughest of times. But you never knew what those sheep had beneath their cover. The hate, the envy, the negative aura they possessed waiting for the right moment to explode. You just had no clue cause you were already lust in their fake love and affection.
Can I be your muse?
The picture of lowered self esteem emerging because of the incidence of heart breaks reoccurring once every now and then. You've lost your integrity to the very same set of people you've always guarded against. Love seems bizarre to you now that you lose interest at the hearing of it. You've long given up on it, almost pouring out its stench on others who still believe in its existence. Well, what can you do than to separate from the face of its appearances.
Can I be your muse?
Possibilities look impossible. Faith has lost its grip on you. Hope is missing in the space within. You're left with nothing to give or use as a weapon of warfare. Opportunities pass you like a moving train expecting passengers to hop in and rather than seeing them as opportunities you rather see them as forces coming to overwhelm you and so hopping never is an option to you. And like the say opportunities comes but once and so will there be another when your faith comes up again?
Can I be your muse?
The world keeps revolving around and the time fast moving and all you could see as you flash back is you losing and losing again. And was there a force in the present pushing you to win? I guess there wasn't? Stagnation was the new you, no moving forward or backwards, just you at the present point and in a depressed state. The world also didn't care about you, your state, status or feelings and so does time.
Can I be your muse?
I can be your inspiration, your source of peace and comfort, your hope and the very source of the required amount of energy you need to bounce back. Look at me, stare at the positivity I behold and I'll give them in form of soothing words. I'm not asking to be a friend or the closest being to you but to be someone you watch from a distance and still get all the strength and amour you need to break lose from any opposition. Don't look at my physical attributes because you'd be disappointed by what you see but look beneath the unalluring physiques for you to see the alluring qualities I possess. They might not be what you expect but they'll certainly be want you need. Do not judge me cause the good things never come desirable or appealing, you only need to utilise them to decipher the good in them.
I am your muse. Your only source of encouragement. The one that isn't what you want but certainly what you need. I never disappoint and I am more than the friend you desire to have. The one that can still create time even when time has no meaning in your situation. I can fill every emptiness with the positive aura I possess. You can see that by just a little smile from me to you and how much more if it were a full laughter. You just have to let me.
So...
Can I be your muse?
Feminism Redefined: Its true calling
RE: INTRODUCTION
One uniting adversary people faced over time and dreaded for so long is the feeling of discrimination, which as a whole has covered and encompassed various races, cultures, nations and society in and of itself. Every minority group weeks to be heard, not because they intend to be known among the society or rise above others in superiority, but for the singular reason of refusal to continually be abused. In this reason, Martin Luther King Jr. rose against racism and fought for the black race on American soil for equal rights and equal opportunities cutting across every sphere of life. Likewise, a group of women rose to oppose discrimination of the female gender and be granted equal rights and opportunities as humans. Feminism was born.
THE WRONG PERSPECTIVE
Years after feminism was born, evolution set in and people began to view the movement from wrong perspectives and deviated from what the movement truly stood for. This led to feminism experiencing downsides and opposition from various persons including women who clearly don't see reasons why the movement should still stand; feminism having taken on different forms with radicalism being very pronounced and without an exact course. Before I continue, there's a big question: if you think that the societal rights and opportunities enjoyed by a male shouldn't be the same for a female, why?Based in research, it's been found that most oppositions don't exactly have a specific reason for their stance, some have their reason instilled in ignorance of the fact that every sane human is entitled to a set of rights and duties, not because they belong to a particular gender but being humans in and of themselves. But then, here comes another question: Do you stand with feminism in any form? This takes us to the reasons stated at the introduction of what feminism has evolved into, hence facing oppositions. Both questions asked imply exactly the same thing but with different reasons which is due to the level of extremism the movement has evolved with and basically uncoordinated reasoning with loss of true sight. Feminism has evolved into what looks like an anti-masculinist movement instead of pro-feminism which it should be. It has taken a form which attacks the personalities of men and expressed disapproval for males in the society. It paints the picture that the males are the cause of their inequality (which happens to be right) but seek redemption in way by destroying the male gender. Others have radically revealed an image that seeks to change society forcefully and in every bit including the aspects of marriage which wasn't even instituted by man. They are crossing boundaries into seeking recognition in areas where they weren't abused, down to payment of bride price, forgetting that the fight is supposed to end abuse and limitations of the female gender and not a fight for superiority.
THE PURPOSED FRONT: ITS TRUE CALLING
Males and females are in general not equal biologically, men having a leading biology with majority of men being stronger than majority of women physically, emotionally and other bodily related aspect (majority is the word, not all). What has been the wrong image is men viewing females as inferior beings simply because of their biology. Women have time pre quo been denied their basic rights as humans which basically did cut across various cultures before feminism came to salvage. Here are a few things women weren't allowed to do pre-status quo;
Women didn't have the right to vote.
In many states, women couldn't serve in juries because they weren't even permitted in court houses.
They weren't allowed to serve in the military.
Marital rape wasn't criminalized.
Women couldn't sue for sexual harassment.
Women could get fired for getting pregnant.
Women weren't allowed to participate in the Olympics.
Women were refused credit cards.
Women never had the right to decide when and whether to have children.
Females weren't allowed access to education.
The female gender was discriminated from these various rights and opportunities which the male gender had full access to, creating the gender bias and inequality which feminism sought to salvage. Time passed and the 19th Amendment was set in place, granting women their various rights and opportunities as humans which had led to a very important question: If Women now have access to equal rights and opportunities, why does the movement called Feminism still exist? which leads me to my last point of call.
THE LOST CAUSE, THE WRONG FIGHT
I chose these two phases to exactly describe why feminism still exist. Feminists have for so long fought for the female gender and have for every reason tried to salvage and redeem the image that was never bought and have at many tried and in many ways failed. Feminists began its fight on the stage of wanting to have equal rights and opportunities as the masculine gender which allowed them seek change on the platter of changing laws to be all encompassing and still protect their gender. This they sought under various governments which led to the 19th Amendment, The Universal Declaration of Human Rights (UNDHR) and laws against discrimination of women. In the 21st Century, it can be said that men and women have equal rights and opportunities, having fought that fight and won.
Feminism still exists because the protection of the rights of women have not been guaranteed in various countries in the mid-east, countries practicing a certain form of theology restricting women from having equal rights and in countries with highly educated and unenlightened persons who happen to find themselves in the 21st Century but don't live in it. They still seek to change laws and bring amends to such countries as they did in many other countries of the world. Feminism fought for legal recognition by various nations, began achieving, and along they started fighting for something very different, social change. They began to seep into traditions that have long stood and have tried to change symbols of generational standings that don't exactly reflect the essence of true feminism. It has become a man-hating philosophy which blames the male gender for every oppression they face and term them sexist. Persons are beginning to abandon feminism but still believe in equality of genders and in having equal rights and opportunities. It has come to certain realization that the primary purpose of radicalized feminism isn't to promote equality among the binary gender but to beat down men, pure antagonism against men. They have displayed fierce radical mannered defences against the opposite gender and act like they want to control the world. People are beginning to lose sight of what feminism stands for, hence the need for its redefinition.
CONCLUSION: REDEFINITION
Women are continually being abused on various occasions in multiple countries in developing and underdeveloped countries who have a greater percentage of uneducated and unenlightened persons which still limit the female gender. The Mid-east of our planet belonging to Asia and also have the monarchy system of government, still need to salvage the female gender. Feminism shouldn't be seen as a radical movement set to seize power from the males or the genders activated fight, but a movement that seeks for women to be treated as humans without discrimination with respect to biology because Biology doesn't define capability and should never be used as a yardstick for guaranteeing a human his right as a being.
Feminism is about giving women a choice. Feminism at its core is about equality of men and women not 'sameness'. A lot of people have posed arguments that women are not the same as men and hence do not deserve equality just because of their different physical capabilities, which leads me to my question: if there were two young children and one was physically weaker than the other, would you believe its right to keep the child with a weaker physical ability from having access to the teacher, to learning, to books and class resources, from handling various tasks, just because he didn't have the same physical strength as the other boy? Your answer will probably be a no because you would want the child to decide for himself whether or not he/she wants to do these things and not already judging the child wishes. This question answers feminism, giving women the freedom to make their choice, have equal access to all opportunities in its totality and not limiting them or assuming they can't do it simply because you consider them weaker. They are themselves human, with capabilities that differ only to physical strength but should still have the power to make their choices. And to the feminists, do not antagonize the male gender oppression that exist, but seek to bring about change with advancing global peace and understanding.
To crown it all, if you believe in equality for all as humans, stand by it and if you don't, think yourself a woman and how you would want to be treated, it won't be far from wanting to be treated as the human next to you. At this point, I humbly rest my case.
The church girl with a dark hidden secret
They say don't judge a book by it's cover but have you ever wondered what must be in this book that one shouldn't judge? Here's one for you.
St. Philemon was one of the old Anglican churches located at the west hill side towards Jordan Streets, Afikpo where one can always hear gyrating songs sounding loudly from a large speaker mounted on top of the church's roof. I guess this was one of the many tricks they used to capture more youths and youngsters to become church members because it turns out that most youths of these generation love music, most especially one coming with so much spirit-filled rhythm and beats and captivating melody and harmony of the songs ministered. You get to concur with these when you notice that 75% of people who participate actively in church activities are mostly youths. But is it by the number of youths or their lives as believers.
Now, in as much as there are those who worship God in truth and in spirit, there are also a certain percentage who are often regarded as 'the demons in sheep's clothing'. Appearing all good and naive, dressed all covered up who behave as though they were angels born on earth or if possible Jesus himself. These caliber of persons might even be intimidating to a few others because of how they throw the whole holiness and stuff on their faces and these few might even be holy compared to them, at least in their deeds.
Mirabel (singing):" For you are glorious and worthy to be praised, you are the lamb upon the throne...".
Member 1: "Wow, she's got an amazing voice. Gosh! Look at how she's in the spirit, this one will certainly make heaven".
Member 2: "I want to be like this sister. I know she's a righteous and virtuous woman. Look at her, God is indeed using her o"
These were the words one could hear in whispers from the congregation. It went on and on until Mirabel finished ministering. She had the voice, the charisma, the beauty and all other attributes that one could think she's sent from above or called. Mirabel had served in St. Philemon most of her life, starting from the kindergarten class where she also led in the children's choir, the teenage choir and now the youths choir. She was presently in her early 20's and had the high spirit of a youth. She was also highly recognized in that department and was always given the podium to minister. The church loved it when she ministered because she always gave them what they wanted - 'the happening songs', 'the jimjim style'. But no one knew the person behind this person. The inside within the outside. I guess it wasn't all about how well you ministered but how many souls you win to the kingdom. It takes someone with a spiritual eyes to discern this.
Mirabel: 'Jay stop it, it's painful. How about we try the doggy style? At least we'll both enjoy it that way'
Jayson: 'Baby but you know I love it that way, its either this or nothing'
Mirabel: 'Alright, but take it slowly and gently'.
Did he listen? No. He rode on like a horse, not giving heed to her request until she became sore with wounds that she couldn't take it any longer. She had to push him off herself as she gathered strength to pull herself up. As she tried moving towards the restroom to check herself the wounds prevented her from walking uprightly and even though he noticed all these reaction from her, he still insisted on another round. She was willing to allow him though felt reluctant because of the pains she felt. She loved him that much that she could risk her body condition just to give him the satisfaction he desired.
The whole week was from one parade of immorality to the other with combinations of fornication, clubbing and masturbation. Even with all these activities no one was aware because she did it secretly, ensuring to mask her marks in order not to be revealed. Her parents weren't aware too because she included lies to her excuses to leave the house before indulging in any of her activities. From going to rehearsals, to visiting the library to meeting up with a friends were the many excuses she gave and the more she did all these she didn't feel any atom of guilt inside on misleading the church or it's members or on herself in going against her beliefs or self worth. She was being led by a false spirit, an evil spirit that she had no idea about. She has been lost in its embrace. She was an angel on Sunday and the devil through the other days, only being differed by her physical presentation and was she beautiful? Yes she was. She had it all but was so consumed by youthful exuberance and lost the pride she should have on herself. She was enjoying earthly glorification and admonition but dying spiritually. The spirit of God had left her. That spirit that dwelt with her as she went through her kindergarten and teenage ages has departed from her though still hovering around waiting till she turns away from her sins. She was nothing other than a living body with a dead spirit. All that was left of her was to leave the church and rather focus on her immoralities, at least that would be more comforting than her abuse to the church or the course of Christ. And when all these acts are revealed, are we still to judge or appraise her for her deeds?
Then it took one look by a once lover of hers to see beyond the physical into the spiritual only to see the darkness in her assumed light. I guess the spirit of God had to work through him. It came like a dark cloud hovering around the atmosphere drawing near to consume the souls that were lust in her songs and physical appearance. He tried challenging this dark spirit by tongues of fire coming out unconsciously from his mouth. One would think that he was a mad man or demon possessed. But it was a battle of light and darkness, the power of God in manifestation. It led him to go as far as interrupting the praise section in order to have a one-on-one encounter with her. Even the Bishops couldn't understand what was going on probably because they were also lust to her. They could only watch to see the end of it. The moment he rebuked her, she fell only to be forced to confess all her transgressions. She cried and wailed like someone trying to break free out of bounds. It was like a different experience altogether for everyone. They couldn't believe what they were hearing especially since it was coming from her but only felt overwhelmed by it. It soon came to an end and that was like a new turn for her. She soon realized that she felt empty as though there was a heavy burden lifted from her. There was also an inner peace dwelling within her, one she once felt when she was a child. The holy spirit had took his place in her life and his fruit manifested. All those hidden secrets that were all burdened up within her are now mere words to the hearing of every one. She felt free again. And then I repeat...
'Should we then judge this book by it's cover having read from it's content?'.
Confession of a broken girl
Life will never be fair. Life will never always be good. Happiness has never always been my friend but I look at myself now and I'm grateful for it. One could all but wish for a better future but life has a way of suppressing all that dreams of a better future till all hope seems lost.
It was not my fault that I was born into misery. I had no idea when things started to downhill. I was but a child when my father pierced my mom with a knife draining every ounce of blood in her, I remembered her screaming as I saw her life flash before my very eyes. I was but a child not more than seven years old when my dad murdered my mother in cold blood after a night of drunkenness. I had to witness the barbaric act as I saw my mom beg for her life.
He wasn't sent to jail after he murdered my mom in cold blood. He was left to roam the earth freely, finding a new wife and making a new family and completely forgetting about the family he had before, like it was just some phase or a fragment of his imagination. He went on like we never existed. Sometimes I asked myself: what about me, didn't I matter to him? I had to live with that stigma. I will forever be known as a daughter of murderer and an adulteress. Yes, he killed because she cheated on him. But can you blame my mom? After suffering abuse for so long she met her end. He was a sick excuse of a man, a drunkard, a stupefied waste of sperm and a murderer. Still, there was no justice for her death; instead she was blamed for it. No one said anything when she was suffering in pains, no one said a word when she was beaten and battered by the same man that swore to protect her on the altar. No one said anything when that same man plunged a knife into her heart. No one said anything when she let out her last breath. Now all she would be remembered for is a mistake she made. She didn't deserve that. I had loved and cherished them, they were my role models but it wasn't fair on my part that it had ended like it did.
Growing up with an aunt and uncle that despises your very existence just added to the pain and trauma. The negligence of my father escalated the misery. Yes, he would come around, pay child support and try to make up for his absence with material things but it was never enough, the teasing on school and the bullying just added to that pain. How would you feel if you're constantly being judged by the sins of your father and the mistakes of your mother? No one could understand my pain. I have preferred death so many times, I had wished it all ended and external darkness would overcome me countless of times. My parents' sins only weighed me down. It only caused me shame and disgrace. My self esteem diminished. I was left emotionally unstable. When I looked into a mirror and all I saw was a mistake, I was just another broken girl that nobody could fix.
Didn't they say that there's always hope for the living? But I have been living for years with this emptiness and anguish in my heart and I can say that I never felt more hopeless. I wondered what the essence of living was if you'd just be subjected to hate and despair.
So at 15 when I discovered self harm, I felt like justice was finally given for the death of my mother. Anytime the blade punctured my skin as I cut myself, there was this indescribable feeling of pain that I loved so much that blocks out that feeling of guilt and cause it to disappear but it only lasts for a moment, then I'm right back to where I started. I thought that self harm would do the trick but I've never been more wrong in my life, the pains would only last for few hours or 1 day at the most. Anytime I cut myself I slid further into the abyss of depression. Even as my wrist, thighs and arms were covered in scars, I could still feel that loneliness in my heart, I could still see that dark cloud over my head. I tried to sort for ways, ways to fill the loneliness of my heart. I tried self harm and it didn't do it. I ventured into rebellion, disdain, drunkenness and immorality, It still didn't do the trick. I found myself sinking further into the abyss of depression instead. I moved on to blaming my father. I resented him with every fiber of my being . I wished for his death and even prayed for it. Till I came to realize that even if he died I would still not be happy.
One day, my school decided to go on an excursion. We visited the orphanage home, the hospital and a very remote area that was very less developed. After seeing what I saw there it opened my eyes. I did a little bit of soul searching. I began pondering; why is it that I can never be happy? I asked myself. Sure, I can go on blaming my inconsiderate father for all my mishaps in life but I can never blame him for my unhappiness. Yes, it is disheartening to see your father happy with another family but I can't really say I have it worst, can I? He is a shitty father but I go to a top of that art school, despite the bullying I still get a good educational foundation, one of the best there is just because of him. I have three square meals a day and I'm always supplied with what I want, even though I lack parental care and guidance I'm still alive. I can breathe without difficulty.
I don't get abused, although I get bullied but it is nothing more than people calling my dad a murderer and my mom an adulteress. I'm not disabled and I have friends. After thinking about all these things I came to realize that It was selfish of me to be unhappy and depressed. Many people would kill to be in my position. I had let the unfortunate circumstances of my childhood define my future, I refused to let go of the pain, the hate and the sense of loss. I refused to realize that what happened years ago wasn't something that I couldn't have helped. I was not unhappy because I lacked motherly love or because my father abandoned me. I discovered that my unhappiness lied in the fact that I still held onto the past and let it affect my future. But of course I realised this rather too late, 10 years of my life was gone, my childhood was gone, but its better late than never I suppose. I got a change of mentality, after seeing a happy child in the orphanage, even in the midst of uncertainties and almost no hope for the future; he still put on a smile from the heart, if he could be happy in that situation then why can't I? At least I have hope for a brighter future.
I came to realize that happiness is not something that cannot be achieved, you can be happy with the smallest things in life, if you choose to ignore the fact that you are at a better position than someone else in life and choose to dwell on your misfortunes then be ready to watch the years you'd have spent doing fruitful things pass you by. In the end, the world doesn't owe anybody anything - the sun didn't come out just to please you, the flower doesn't grow because you exist, the moon certainly does not come out for your sake - so you might as well make the most of it while you're alive, strong and healthy. After all, what makes life beautiful is the hope on the possibilities of better things ahead. Depression and self harm can never fill any gap of loneliness or guilt, it only blocks your mind off the possibilities of a better future. I'd know that because I've got these scars as proof.
In the end, I won't say I regret my childhood, I'm grateful for all the pains I had to endure and the tears I shed because it only made me stronger.
Journey to self: An experience of most students.
What they never teach you in that fancy secondary school of yours is how to find yourself as an adult. They might tell you what course you should study, they would teach you Mathematics, English, Government, the pure sciences and all that but they would never teach you how to actually find yourself. Unfortunately, you're the only one who can teach you to be comfortable in your own skin.***
Jeff Dike sat in his exam hall and shivered in fear as he couldn't answer a lot of questions on his Neuroanatomy paper. He remembered the weeks and months leading up to that day. He had by every standard the aptitude to garner a pass. Maybe not enough for a distinction but nevertheless he had studied but even when he studied he felt an integral part of him is being detached -a feeling he couldn't really explain or put in words. It was almost like he was trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. He stared at his paper and wondered what had happened to him because not long ago he was hailed as a very intelligent boy by his peers. He can't seem to recognise that 10-years- old person 8years ago who was so confident, winning awards and laurels for his outstanding performances then because since he enrolled in the college of medicine it was a difference ball game entirely. It was like he had lost a part of his soul. He could not recognise this shadow that he called himself.
Jeff Dike had walked into his first college lecture with high hopes of finally becoming a preclinical medical student but that euphoria soon became null as the reality of the work load and the unfair environment got to him. He would walk into a classroom meant for about 300 students instead almost 500 or more students will be crammed into the class. The air thick with sweats of people fighting for knowledge. It was a dog-eat-dog world. The undue stress didn't end there, most times their projector wouldn't work and the fans were as good as a knife in a gun fight. So apparently one had to come at least 30 minutes before time to get a good seat. Lecturers also had their part to play in this misery as they treated the students like they had no rights, like they were less humans. The entire ordeal could push one beyond breaking point and Jeff Dike was very close to breaking.
The entire experience could be dehumanizing as it could strip one of his identity. It increasingly became hard to maintain your sanity but these were actually the least of Jeff's problems. His internal battle for a definite identity was way worse than his external struggle to grasp the knowledge being given to him. He had begun to slowly fall into depression with smiles and laughs in daytime and dread and fear in the night. The only way he could feel better was praying to the angel of the small death. He could pile notes and materials up and tell himself he would read them. He wanted to read them, he really wanted to; but he just couldn't. He literally couldn't bring himself to. Every night the memory of who he was in the secondary school haunted him. The uptight, intelligent, conscientious goody two shoes who always knew what to say and what to do, who had total control of himself. Every night he wondered where it all went wrong. He just hoped that he didn't totally lose himself and this phase of his life won't push him to do something unspeakable. He was just barely holding himself above the water of depression with every ounce of his being. He basically just existed second by second not actually living.
Jeff Dike sat in the exam hall with all these thoughts going through his mind. He didn't know exactly what to do but to answer whatever he thought might be the right answer on his exam OMR sheet. After the exam he sat in the hall with his bones weak, spirit broken trying his best to not lose his cool. He questioned his entire existence, he questioned his sanity, he questioned the existence of his chi. He questioned his life choices that led to that moment and with all these thoughts going through his mind and he slowly fell asleep right there on the bench.
"I feel the pain cursing through my veins. I feel the anguish in my heart. Like a thousand thorns prickling my soul. Less I feel the more it hurts"
As he slept on the hard wooden chair of the lecture hall, he heard those words as he had a dream where he was staring at the reflection of his 10-years- old self. He tried to reach out to it but he couldn't. He tried speaking to it but the words didn't come out. Then like morning dew that got stuck by the golden rays of morning sun it just vanished and he woke up. It was that moment it dawned on him. He would never be like his 10-years -old self again. He would just have to find his rhythm again. He was determined to do something; he was determined to actually find himself. To find that proud 10-years-old JSS1 boy again but this time it would be in his 18-years-old broken soul.
Managing one's self esteem
Self esteem is a very delicate thing. Having too much of it could lead to harbouring an over bloated ego which is capable of making one lose valuable relationship and meaningful contacts. Very unhealthy.
Yet the stark absence of a healthy self esteem could ruin a life, shatter one's self confidence, plunge one into depression, which could culminate in nurturing suicidal thoughts.
I have learnt that to manage your self esteem, it is not enough to have and keep in one's life people who assure you everyday that you are enough. Because after listening to mere words, you'll go out there and find folks who are seemingly doing better than you. And there'll always be folks doing better than you. Then envy sets in. Envy is a natural human instinct, but to ensure it doesn't turn into some bile and dreadful jealousy and eventual loss of self esteem, you need to discover yourself. Friends telling you that you are enough could be temporarily comforting, but you (not them) must discover yourself for a long lasting mental stability.
Self discovery, the awareness of one's relevance to themselves and to the little corner of the world they occupy, is the reason you will be able to wade through the myriads of social and economic pressure and come out unscathed; standing your ground, guarding your self esteem, it is the reason you are happy with everyone around you for doing well in their various ventures, even if you are still struggling to stand on your feet; it is the reason you will live a life full of laughter and cheerful spirit, permitting everyone to share in your life without allowing their negative vibes get to you; it is the reason you are content with the little things that matter, yet pursuing greater goals for which your ambition has been set.
Finally, with a healthy self esteem, you can recognise bullshit and spit on it; heck, you can say no to some things that are given to you, seeing that they are not yours, because they will compromise your standards and demean your human dignity.
The reflection inside
I am bold..
I am beautiful..
I am kind..
I am chaste..
The many good qualities seen physically outside but does it reflect inside. Who really are you?
I've read in many literatures that the beauty lies inside but where does it reflect? Outside or still inside of the inside?
I've come to realize that in our present generation people are most interested in what lies inside. You might be beautiful and ravishing on one look but beyond the outward look, many still wants to know what's embedded within. And you can't blame them because the world is filled with so many fraudsters who appear to look appealing on the outside but are demons with evil thoughts and intentions on the inside.
So then again who really are you?
I'll say you're your own reflection. Any behavior or character you portray outside with certainly reflect within. We most times forget this and still put on that sad countenance, still portray that harsh character or behaviour or still behold that broken spirit, neglecting what reflects inside. You don't know, you have no idea. But here it is, it reflects.
So you don't have to blame that person who tries to be happy even when things ain't going quite right. You can't crucify someone who tries to kill his or her low self esteem just to be recognized by going against his or her own principles. You can as well not blame someone who tries to act good even if he has a record for being evil. All that matters here is what their reflection is inside.
You don't know oh ye that blames and crucifies...
...that there's pain experienced inside when one is always acknowledged as a monster or a bad kind.
...that there's always a battle to improve one's self esteem especially when the critics comes all along all the time.
...that the word 'I'm not beautiful on the outside but I have a good soul' is always very difficult to prove cause many are still interested in physical attractions only.
I'll still choose that one person who tries to be better, who wants to neglect his current identity only just to work on what resides inside. By portraying good characteristics just for it to reflect inside. This is paramount to any other behaviors even to that unique to you.
Yea, your behavior reflects inside and these reflections still have it's own repercussions. It comes back to make the best out of you or worse when you've always displayed negative attitudes cause it transforms the old person to what you've been portraying.
What then are you portraying?
What do you want to reflect on the inside?
What do you want to transformed into based on your characteristics?
It first starts with what you reflect inside.
Knock knock, it is I 'doubt'
And my mother to me, 'If only you just believe'.
In thoughts...
Why will these words sound so simple and easy to comprehend but still seem difficult to put into action. How do one believe? That's just the question. Does it require a force coming from within? Or a firm affirmation that what will be will be. Like I just don't get it. Words fail me especially when it comes to describing this subtle overemphasized 'word'- believe.
Well, I guess it takes one or two, going to many experiences to actually know how and what believe is.
They say, the opposite of belief is unbelief, but where does doubt come in. For many of us who have learned and unlearned the many diverse definitions of belief but still swimming in doubt, Are we still naïve? I guess that's what it is.
I remember the times I tried believing in some certain things like love, success and words that seemed true, I was only rewarded with heartbreaks, failures and lies. Not just once or twice but many times. All I was comforted with was 'keep believing'. But how do I go about it when I don't even know what it means or how to perform this magic. Obviously I want love, I want success and I want truth after I believe. Isn't that what every other person wants?
The most painful aspect of this is that it works out for all those who keep telling those words to me but when it comes to me, it's like the table turns. Who are you to hurt me this way? You're just a word given much attention and I'm just the person trying to figure you out or at least use the best out of your kind gestures.
And one day it struck me. There must be something I'm not doing right. Why don't I ask questions on how they do it. So he said 'doubt', she said 'doubt' and Alas, there's the answer! I've always doubted before I even started believing and who wants to be treated that way. There must be a choice between both. It's either doubt or believe. Hmmm...
Doubt! Doubt! Yes you 'doubt'
I remember you every damn time! You kept knocking and knocking each time I tried putting believe into play.
It keeps coming in my subconscious like, knock knock, it is I 'doubt'. And me in my naïve state always thought that was the right voice leading me to the right direction. And so I'm left to doubt. I'm left to deviate from my course of believing even the unseen to be crushed by doubt. That's why i couldn't see any positive results from all my efforts. Nothing oh! nothing!
But then I've just learned to unlearn. And now I know when it comes knocking and learnt to leave closed ears in response, keeping my head straight up to actualize my focus.
Fortunately for me, I conquered doubt, I now belief in basically everything I want to come to me. I now believe in love, success and words cause they started working for me.
So hey you 'doubt'...
You've just lost.
The demon called 'fear'
Amanda! Amanda! Amanda!...
This was all we could hear from a distance. She had taken the last shot and was no more. What could be the reason behind her action? What prompted this decision? Some would say fate had played it's role again or death it's scorch but wasn't there another way out?...let the story tell.
It was about five minutes to seven and we were all on sit waiting for the last few minutes before our professional exams began. Our final year, a year to determine if we would be set free from the world of being an undergraduate, of which it is only necessary to be filled with much anxiety per determination although not in the same proportion for everyone.
You know this words they say that 'not all hands are equal', based on curtailing anxiety? It took it's full play in such scenario.
While sitting down comfortably at my spot, filled with much determination and confidence at what was about coming my way, something struck my attention. This picture was one I never expected or foresee. And to think that it was coming from this person, it was unbelievable, disheartening and also threatening. She was never a person to be seen in such situation. Was I that insensitive and selfish to that one person that meant that much to me, like It was either me or this person. Was there something not done properly? I knew we did make the necessary preparations, burning every bit of the midnight candle. Never did i know that the factor called fear can have it's full effects at such short notice especially on this person in question. A once bold and vicious person. It certainly isn't what I'm thinking or is it? I tried reaching out to her, making certain gestures to get her attention, but all efforts failed. She was already taken by this monster of which I can't fully say why. But why now? That's all I could think ...
That day I couldn't think, I couldn't project and the so called confidence and determination, I have lost them all. It took just one encounter such as this to change everything I was and had worked for. I was bothered cause her happiness should be my happiness and sadness my sadness. But I had to do something at least so that both parties didn't lose at the end. I had to write down anything I could find in my head rather than leaving the sheets empty. But what about the other person? I couldn't risk losing focus by gazing at her present predicament.
So then, after days of waiting and waiting with anxiety coupled with this person's absence and out of reach, the results finally came out. What was my fate and that of hers? Well now wasn't about me but about the other person. I glanced through the result sheets, searching profusely like a hunter for it's prey and then it hit me that this person had no result. It was as if she didn't report for the exams, she had nothing. Then i knew the situation wasn't funny anymore. Where was Amanda in the first place? Has she seen it before it appeared? I immediately ran heading to her house only to be caught by the most threatening and scary situation at Amanda's house. She was already set at taking her life. Her parents were present at the scene begging and pleading with teary eyes to see if she could change her mind or at least listen. The gun she held was already positioned to shoot, to take her life. I couldn't help but join her parents in trying to control the situation but it was as though my presence worsened the case. Amanda ran from the house, her mother running behind her and before we could take any step further, it was all over. She had made her decision, she had pulled the trigger. I couldn't even do anything to save the life of the one person that meant that much to me. It was all my fault. I had also played a role in the process that led to this. If only I was sensitive enough, if only I could see beyond the present. But then the demon was quicker, more smarter and more sensitive. I had lost. Both my precious jewel and against the demon. But did I know what this demon was? I guess I've just realized...
The heart and it's content
'Guide your heart cause out of it comes the issues of life', the old book recorded. Certain behaviors portrayed by humans to situations they encounter are based on what they've stored up in their hearts. From being aggressive, loving, rude, kind, nonchalant and the likes. One's experiences through life constitute the virtues contained in their hearts and this transcends to what they give out as behaviors. That's why it is believed that your environment has a lot of influence on what you portray as it's effects targets primarily the heart. The old book (bible) also states that out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. This here shows that words spoken out both knowingly and unknowingly will most likely be influenced by the heart's contents. It is the force with which these words can flow and if not, there won't be anything to say or rather no energy .
What then is permitted to be contents of the hearts? Most times, these contents form in our hearts without our knowledge. What we see, hear and assimilate deliberately or indeliberately constitute what our hearts are made of and we see them manifest when we are faced with situations beyond our control. We may confront situations aggressively, calmly, or with hatred and we still can't believe it came from us. We are shocked, reminiscing through the incidence that just transpired, with regrets or none only to draw ourselves back and consciousness take hold of ourselves. We feel disappointed on ourselves, we may even hurt others either physically, mentally or psychologically only to find out that these hurts are most times not easily forgivable or taken back.
We then purse, look inwardly, reflect on ourselves and our inner beings, our hearts of hearts assessing what might or might not be there although we know something has changed. Our normal nature and attitudes to situations has changed. We then try to fix the broken and shattered spots, rearranging our heart's content to suite that which we want for ourselves so that we can at least follow a little bit of the word 'guide'. We even go as far as putting our hearts to tests to ensure it's what we want it to be. We do this often times still ensuring though that we don't go too extreme or hurt any other person. Our heart is all that matters cause where we want to go and people we want in our lives depends on what we portray which also flows from what our heart contains. And then again we guide, we watch, we take caution of what goes in and out of our hearts so issues pertaining our lives are well handled cause we've come to realise that indeed the heart is it's content!
Isn't there hope?
I still have a bizarre meaning of the word faith cause when It's time to
@Peecy559
