Confession of a broken girl

Life will never be fair. Life will never always be good. Happiness has never always been my friend but I look at myself now and I'm grateful for it. One could all but wish for a better future but life has a way of suppressing all that dreams of a better future till all hope seems lost.

It was not my fault that I was born into misery. I had no idea when things started to downhill. I was but a child when my father pierced my mom with a knife draining every ounce of blood in her, I remembered her screaming as I saw her life flash before my very eyes. I was but a child not more than seven years old when my dad murdered my mother in cold blood after a night of drunkenness. I had to witness the barbaric act as I saw my mom beg for her life.

He wasn't sent to jail after he murdered my mom in cold blood. He was left to roam the earth freely, finding a new wife and making a new family and completely forgetting about the family he had before, like it was just some phase or a fragment of his imagination. He went on like we never existed. Sometimes I asked myself: what about me, didn't I matter to him? I had to live with that stigma. I will forever be known as a daughter of murderer and an adulteress. Yes, he killed because she cheated on him. But can you blame my mom? After suffering abuse for so long she met her end. He was a sick excuse of a man, a drunkard, a stupefied waste of sperm and a murderer. Still, there was no justice for her death; instead she was blamed for it. No one said anything when she was suffering in pains, no one said a word when she was beaten and battered by the same man that swore to protect her on the altar. No one said anything when that same man plunged a knife into her heart. No one said anything when she let out her last breath. Now all she would be remembered for is a mistake she made. She didn't deserve that. I had loved and cherished them, they were my role models but it wasn't fair on my part that it had ended like it did.

Growing up with an aunt and uncle that despises your very existence just added to the pain and trauma. The negligence of my father escalated the misery. Yes, he would come around, pay child support and try to make up for his absence with material things but it was never enough, the teasing on school and the bullying just added to that pain. How would you feel if you're constantly being judged by the sins of your father and the mistakes of your mother? No one could understand my pain. I have preferred death so many times, I had wished it all ended and external darkness would overcome me countless of times. My parents' sins only weighed me down. It only caused me shame and disgrace. My self esteem diminished. I was left emotionally unstable. When I looked into a mirror and all I saw was a mistake, I was just another broken girl that nobody could fix.

Didn't they say that there's always hope for the living? But I have been living for years with this emptiness and anguish in my heart and I can say that I never felt more hopeless. I wondered what the essence of living was if you'd just be subjected to hate and despair.

So at 15 when I discovered self harm, I felt like justice was finally given for the death of my mother. Anytime the blade punctured my skin as I cut myself, there was this indescribable feeling of pain that I loved so much that blocks out that feeling of guilt and cause it to disappear but it only lasts for a moment, then I'm right back to where I started. I thought that self harm would do the trick but I've never been more wrong in my life, the pains would only last for few hours or 1 day at the most. Anytime I cut myself I slid further into the abyss of depression. Even as my wrist, thighs and arms were covered in scars, I could still feel that loneliness in my heart, I could still see that dark cloud over my head. I tried to sort for ways, ways to fill the loneliness of my heart. I tried self harm and it didn't do it. I ventured into rebellion, disdain, drunkenness and immorality, It still didn't do the trick. I found myself sinking further into the abyss of depression instead. I moved on to blaming my father. I resented him with every fiber of my being . I wished for his death and even prayed for it. Till I came to realize that even if he died I would still not be happy.

One day, my school decided to go on an excursion. We visited the orphanage home, the hospital and a very remote area that was very less developed. After seeing what I saw there it opened my eyes. I did a little bit of soul searching. I began pondering; why is it that I can never be happy? I asked myself. Sure, I can go on blaming my inconsiderate father for all my mishaps in life but I can never blame him for my unhappiness. Yes, it is disheartening to see your father happy with another family but I can't really say I have it worst, can I? He is a shitty father but I go to a top of that art school, despite the bullying I still get a good educational foundation, one of the best there is just because of him. I have three square meals a day and I'm always supplied with what I want, even though I lack parental care and guidance I'm still alive. I can breathe without difficulty.

I don't get abused, although I get bullied but it is nothing more than people calling my dad a murderer and my mom an adulteress. I'm not disabled and I have friends. After thinking about all these things I came to realize that It was selfish of me to be unhappy and depressed. Many people would kill to be in my position. I had let the unfortunate circumstances of my childhood define my future, I refused to let go of the pain, the hate and the sense of loss. I refused to realize that what happened years ago wasn't something that I couldn't have helped. I was not unhappy because I lacked motherly love or because my father abandoned me. I discovered that my unhappiness lied in the fact that I still held onto the past and let it affect my future. But of course I realised this rather too late, 10 years of my life was gone, my childhood was gone, but its better late than never I suppose. I got a change of mentality, after seeing a happy child in the orphanage, even in the midst of uncertainties and almost no hope for the future; he still put on a smile from the heart, if he could be happy in that situation then why can't I? At least I have hope for a brighter future.

I came to realize that happiness is not something that cannot be achieved, you can be happy with the smallest things in life, if you choose to ignore the fact that you are at a better position than someone else in life and choose to dwell on your misfortunes then be ready to watch the years you'd have spent doing fruitful things pass you by. In the end, the world doesn't owe anybody anything - the sun didn't come out just to please you, the flower doesn't grow because you exist, the moon certainly does not come out for your sake - so you might as well make the most of it while you're alive, strong and healthy. After all, what makes life beautiful is the hope on the possibilities of better things ahead. Depression and self harm can never fill any gap of loneliness or guilt, it only blocks your mind off the possibilities of a better future. I'd know that because I've got these scars as proof.

In the end, I won't say I regret my childhood, I'm grateful for all the pains I had to endure and the tears I shed because it only made me stronger.