The past few days have been emotionally draining in more ways than one. Mainly something from my past came out to someone close to me. It was something I hoped he would never find out to do with his dad.
I realize now keeping it from him was wrong. I had my reasons but that doesn't mean it was ok. For one, he was young at the time. Too young to be told something like that. Two, I knew my brother was safe. For three, I spent years being afraid he hated me for leaving home. I had no clue what our mom and his dad had told him, but I assumes whatever it was, he likely wouldn't want anything to do with me again.
I found out a long time ago that fear was unfounded and my brother is older now. By the time I knew he was old enough to talk about those things with, I still didn't want to. I didn't want to shatter his view of his father and I felt it wasn't my place to do it. I also wasn't sure he would believe me at the time.
He always knew I had 'issues' with his father but he thought it was only because of his parenting. He even thought I left home at 16 because of his dads parenting. Apparently, a small piece of the truth came out to him recently and he came to me looking for answers.
I don't blame him for that. I understand why he needs them and I apologized to him. I also explained my reasoning which I think he understands. He did tell me he deserved to know what kind of man his father really was though.
The sad part is, he's right but I had no idea how to tell him without possibly damaging our relationship as brother and sister. I wasn't sure he would believe me, and if he did, would I be responsible for ruining his view of his dad?
I'm still not sure how I feel about my brother now having a better idea of what I went through. On one hand, I think a part of me is relieved that he knows the truth. On the other hand, it means revisiting a part of my life I have tried to bury.
I know burying it isn't healthy but sometimes it's painful to think about. It's also somewhat cathartic. I guess overall, I'm emotionally and mentally exhausted. Once again, I find myself coming here, to get out my thoughts so I can better focus and try to get things off my chest.
Pain is part of all of us and it has a hand in shaping us. The pain I went through at other peoples hands has made me what I am. I try to take that pain and turn it into strength. While I would have preferred not to have gone through the things I did, I'm also somewhat thankful for it in a strange way.
