Why my MIL is Toxic AF
For over a year now I have been in a relationship. Although I got along with my boyfriends mother originally, everything changed after we got together. Since her son and I got serious, she has hated me. Thought I'm not entirely sure why I do know part of the reason is that she wanted a church girl handpicked by her or a Newfie girl for her son.
She has gone from disapproving of our relationship to being downright toxic. This is actually an understatement. We are living with her as with things the way they are, we have no choice currently especially since we have a baby (He'll be 5 months tomorrow)
Here's just some (no this isn't everything and I'm sure there's plenty I don't know) of the reasons I call her toxic:
The biggest one, She knows something I'm allergic to and put it into the stuffing at Christmas knowing it's my favorite. dish. Thankfully I didn't eat it because it seemed off to me. I even overheard her tell her friend there was 'two whole lots of it in the dressing at Christmas and she doesn't know' This a month after I gave birth to her only grandchild.
She once told her friend 'Well he (her son) can have the cookies but if she touches them, I hope she chokes.'
She told people I don't have patience for a crying baby because I went to bed while his dad was looking after him for a while. By that point, my boyfriend had already been telling me to go to bed since I had been up for almost 48 hours straight.
She claims I don't do anything to take care of our son even though I change his diapers, feed him, bathe him, cuddle him and otherwise care for him.
She got mad and said I don't care about him because when he was sleeping, I fell asleep on the couch.
She also claims I don't love my son because he's a boy. I love both my children.
She got mad at me for refusing to give him gripe water when he didn't need it. She said 'Well my boy lived off it.' We give it to him when needed only.
She told me I don't take care of him properly because when when he was about 2 months old, I refused to put cereal in his bottles to 'keep him full'
She calls me 'The Queen' 'Mrs. Know It All' 'The Asshole' and 'Fat Ass' behind my back.
When she made his bottle incorrectly, too much water for the amount of formula, she whined that we got mad at her and 'it's not a big deal.'
She complained about our parenting because we use baby wipes to clean him when we change his diaper because she says we should use face cloths instead to clean him after he poops.
She said we're irresponsible because 'that baby doesn't even know what breakfast lunch and dinner is.' Again, he's only going on 5 months.
She constantly bitches about my daughter. Just today she said to her friend 'Well the other day she (my daughter) came out with a bowl of ice cream. I'd like to know how she got it. She didn't ask me I didn't even know it was there.' I bought the ice cream and I gave some to my daughter. If she wants something my boyfriends mother has, I tell her to ask her but she does not need her permission for something I bought.
She also said 'I'm tired of her always drinking all my juice so the other day I was sure she was going to get into it so I took a big glass and just left a little tiny bit in the bottle. I;m sick of her drinking all my juice.' One, That particular bottle wasn't hers. Her son bought that one for me. Two, I rarely drink juice. I have maybe a glass a week if that. Her and my boyfriend are the big juice drinkers.
This woman is honestly driving me nuts and as soon as I can, we are getting out of here. Only problem is that could be a while.
I've recently heard that in Romanian they call bookworms by another name which translates to Library Mouse.
I shall henceforth be known as a Library Mouse
My MIL who hates me addressing my 2 month old son while I hold him: 'Are you going to be like your daddy and bring home strays, animals and people?'
Me addressing my son: 'Well, better a kind heart than a cold heart, right baby?'
Doug watching Santa Claus 3: 'Santa can't have s*x.'
Me to John: 'He was a little chatty on the way back with me.'
Doug: 'Santa Claus?'
I was busy feeding our newborn son and wasn't able to get to a task I had meant to. By the time I finished and went to do it I realized it was already done. I thanked my boyfriend and his response was 'Well we're a team, aren't we?'
I didn't ask him to do it. He just did it. It might seem a small thing to some people but to me, it meant so much. ❤️
Me: *Reading a story my daughter wrote and pointing out a specific part* 'What's this supposed to say?'
Tara: 'I don't know.'
Me: 'Okay, what is the character going to do?'
Tara: 'I don't know.'
Me: ' Where is the story going?'
Tara: 'I don't know!'
Me: 'You sound like a writer.'
Me: *After taking my hair down* 'Well damn. I'm a puffball.'
My boyfriend: 'A sexy one.'
Me: *sitting on the bed and smell cheese chips randomly*
Me: *Knocks on door to next room where my boyfriend is* 'I smell cheese chips'
Him: *Stares at me.* 'You're getting worse than me.' (Referring to his strong sense of smell)
They're hurting too
Divorce or separation is never easy and very often it can get ugly. Never mind the heartbreak of losing or leaving someone you've loved enough to envision your entire future with them; that's bad enough. Add to that a child, or possibly more than one and it's not just the two of you in the relationship suffering. It's a family.
Both of you trying to navigate and balance (or possibly aiming to destroy one another out of pure spite) your children are trying to do the same.
All of a sudden they can feel like it's not mommy and daddy anymore it's mommy OR daddy.
Whether you find a way to work together or not on custody and care, your children will still feel the need to choose. In some cases, one parent may try to win over a child by being more lax with rules, being the fun parent or by trying to out buy the other.
The harsh reality is even if you do your best to be there for your child, they may gravitate towards the other parent, whether it be because of actions like this, or just a stronger natural bond to that parent.
Whatever the reason, rejection like that from a child can hurt and make you feel hopeless. You may feel no matter what you do that you are in a never ending competition that you have no hope of winning. There will likely be times you feel like tapping out or throwing in the towel.
Sometimes kids forget that parents are people with feelings too, just like them. What's important to remember is that what's happening is not guaranteed to be permanent.
However your child might feel or their actions may make you feel, this too is an important part of your childs' life and development and they need your love and support just as much as you need theirs.
New Baby On The Way
I haven't written on here for a while. Everything has been getting in the way, I suppose. Though if I'm being honest, I've gotten in my own way just as much. I'm not always motivated to write. I guess everyone feels that way at some point.
One huge change is that I am now 15 weeks pregnant. We've gotten the first ultrasound and everything looks good to our relief. Sadly, the morning sickness is sticking around.
I dealt with it through my entire pregnancy with my daughter as well. It was annoying being told it goes away after three months when I was already 4,5,6 ect months along. I imagine this time will be much the same.
I have good days and bad days of course. Some days I'll be slightly nauseated but not get sick. Other days I'll get sick up to 5 times a day. I know it's taking a toll on my boyfriend as well. He's been nothing but supportive, loving and understanding but I can tell he's also stressed over watching me go through the tougher parts of pregnancy.
My daughter, my ex , my mother and my boyfriends mother knew about the pregnancy about 6 weeks before we told everyone else. Our reasoning for this was because they would be the hardest people to hide it from if something unfortunate had happened.
My daughter had mixed feelings at first and I know she's scared of being forgotten because of a new baby. My boyfriend and I do our best when she's with us to make sure she knows she is and always will be loved. We try to make sure she knows how important she is to us even with a new baby on the way.
I have told her many times that she is still my baby and that love is not a finite resource where you need to take from someone to love someone else. We make it a point to set aside time to do things and my boyfriend also takes a step back now and then because he knows it's important for my daughter to know she hasn't lost her mother just because things are different and sometimes we just need time together.
My ex mother in law as well as someone else were both less than thrilled. (Not that it matters to me) They went so far as to say that I posted on social media to rub it in my exs face and that I wanted everyone to know what a tramp I am.
Their opinions never mattered to me to begin with and only concern me now as far as what they might be telling my daughter. They are exactly the type of people to use a child for their own agenda and have already tried to sever ties between myself, my ex and our daughter long before the break up.
Guilty
A villain is a villain. Nobody cares about the why or how of it. It matters little the pain, anger, fear or betrayal that leads them to make the choices they make.
Nobody cares how you get where you're going, the end result is all that matters. Being broken down time and time again, losing pieces of yourself along the way; how could it not twist you into something else? How could it not make you ugly?
Miseria certainly felt ugly most of the time. Her name alone marked her for a tragic life. People had often told her that names had power and could be a foreshadowing of what was to come. She'd come to realize they were right.
She'd thought of changing her name but what was the point really? Right from birth maybe before, the world had already decided; her life would not be a happy one.
Her mother had died in childbirth and her father had never truly gotten over it. In his grief over losing his beloved wife, he had branded his daughter; misery. He became bitter choosing to resent his only child for something she had no control over.
As she got older, his resentment only grew. So did hers. She was missing an integral part of her life. She had no mother, no mother like figure to help her through things that only a mother could understand. Yet he couldn't see it. He was so lost in his own grief, yet he denied hers.
Eventually she gave up hope of reaching him. Even sharing in his pain would give them some connection but he refused choosing to continue blaming her instead. If she hadn't been born, he would still have his wife. When she became sullen and withdrawn, he became more angry. She was ungrateful, wasting the life her mother had given hers up for. He had named her well. He often said that. Even now she could hear the words echoing through her. 'I chose the right name for you. Always miserable. Always the cause of my misery.'
How could she not have been? People had told her, it wasn't his fault. He had loved his wife more than anything. He was dealing with the loss as best he could.
She couldn't understand the love they had shared. It was tragic, they said that she had never known her mother. She was a wonderful, kind and caring woman.
People would probably say that about him now, too. People always do after you die. Nobody ever shows up to a funeral and tells you all the bad things the person laying in the casket did. Nobody tells the truth about them even if they were horrible. You can't speak ill of the dead.
Her father had become violent, even with someone there to see it. It didn't matter. People tend to look away when they're uncomfortable. It's easier to pretend you don't see a man striking his child than to involve yourself in someone elses problem. Easier to ignore the tears and cries of the child or tell yourself they're overreacting.
Everywhere she turned, people ignored her or denied her claims. It took her too long to understand. There was no one else to help her; she would have to do it herself. So she had.
Guilty.
The sound of the gavel brought her back to the present with crushing clarity. At sixteen, she was going to spend the rest of her life in prison. Rotting away for trying to help herself when no one else would.
Apples and Agony
The little bell over the door rang merrily just seconds before the sweet scent of fresh baked goods surrounded her in a warm caress. It was still early in the day, just past seven but already the shelves were full of fresh bread and the cases full of sweet delights.
*Impossible to choose just one.* Talia thought to herself as she browsed the possibilities.
The smell of warm apple drew her to a case on the left, where a batch of tarts was resting next to a sign.
**Fresh Apple Tartlets**
*'Sinfully good.'*
The girl behind the counter walked over and smiled, her name tag read Nivea.
'That's an interesting name.'
'Hm? Oh, thanks. My mom read it somewhere and fell in love with it.' Nivea waved her off as though there was nothing more to say on the matter. 'Tempting, aren't they?'
Talia looked longingly at the apple pastries. 'Very.'
'They're part of our exclusive line.'
Talia nodded. 'I know.'
'Are you shopping for yourself, or someone special?' Nivea enquired casually.
Talia shifted uncomfortably, eyes downcast. 'Myself. Things haven't been that great lately and...' She trailed off slowly unsure of how to continue.
'I understand. We have plenty of other treats that might help. I find there's nothing better than a chocolate croissant on a bad day for me.' She pointed to a case on the other side of the small bakery.
With chocolate poking out from the buttery pastry, a layer of white chocolate and a decorative drizzle of dark chocolate on top, Talia had to admit they did look good.
'They're still warm.' Nivea told her encouragingly.
'No. Thank you, but no.'
'Can I ask what's got you so down? Maybe I can help.'
A tear slid down Talias cheek. 'My twins. They....'
Niveas' eyes went wide with the realization. 'The kids on the news, they were yours, weren't they?'
A few days ago Nivea had been watching the news while she idly mixed up the filling for apple turnovers. A story had come on about two children. She hadn't been able to get through it. From what she knew, there hadn't been much left to identify them. They'd have to use dental records. They suspected the step mother but she hadn't been found as of yet.
'I'm so sorry.'
Talia shook her head. 'I'd like a tart, please.'
Nivea sighed. 'You're sure?'
'Positive.'
'They take effect about ten minutes after you eat them.' She told her.
Nivea packed a tart gently in a box and handed it to her. 'Don't eat it until you're home and comfortable then. If you change your mind-'
She cut her off. 'I won't.' She told her with conviction. Her voice softened. 'Thank you.'
She turned and began walking to the door, a smile on her face for the first time since she'd found them a week ago. Things would be ok now. She glanced back at Nivea who was still watching her, sorrow evident in her eyes; the sign on the wall behind her illuminating her in a sickly green glow.
***Poison Pastries***
The Hissing Sound
She could hear it. Always there. Always the same. The sound was impossible to ignore. It was maddening.
She sat in the corner with her hands over her ears, trying desperately to drown out the clatter. It never worked. How do you block out a noise coming from inside your own head?
She'd been ten years old the first time she heard it. She'd been curious, and looked around but hadn't found anything. She'd asked her mother about it. She could hear it, right?
Her mother had only shaken her head and told her that no, she couldn't. It was probably just her imagination. Her mother was right, it was just her mind playing tricks.
Still, the sound was there and growing louder everyday. She had mentioned it to her mother again. She'd seen the concern if not terror in her mothers eyes. Her mother had told her it was nothing to worry about. Just think of it as white noise, she'd told her casually. But her shaking hands didn't match the calm in her voice as she'd said it.
Her mother was on the phone talking to someone. She didn't know who and she couldn't make out the whole conversation. Her mother hung up and came to tell her to lay down for a while. She would feel better after a nap.
She'd woken up to three strange people in her room. Two men and a woman. She'd been dragged from her home and brought here.
She'd been told the rules. The biggest one was no sharp objects. They didn't want her to hurt herself. Or someone else.
The doctors always asked her about the sound. Why did she think she was hearing it? Did she hear it all the time? What about the first time she'd heard it, could she remember when that was?
She hadn't wanted to talk about it. She wanted to go home. To pretend everything was okay again.
Her mother had visited her. Told her how sorry she was but that it wasn't going to be forever. They would help and she could come home again.
That was six years ago. The doctors had all but given up. Nothing worked. Talking, pills, injections, they'd tried everything they could think of, all to no avail.
Her mother had stopped coming. Maybe it was too hard to see her daughter crying in a corner, unable to even hear her voice over the hissing coming from inside her head.
Twisted Love
He bustled around the kitchen, his movements almost as fast as his mind was racing. He had not been this happy in a long time; perhaps never before as happy as now. There was the one time, but this was better than even his best, most precious memory.
There was so much to do. So much to plan. A party. They would need cake, of course. Lots of little ones. And chocolate. She did love her chocolate.
He had felt a pang when he'd discovered her plans. She had intended to go home and he would miss her more than anything. He had asked her to stay. Begged her really. He wasn't ashamed. He loved her, of course he would fight for her, protect her. Always.
Finally all his hard work paid off. She had agreed to stay. Tears had filled both their eyes as she'd agreed to stay.
He knew then that she loved him as much as he loved her. They would be devoted to eachother forever.
What better way to celebrate than a grand party with all their friends? It was sad that her family couldn't be there. He knew she missed them but there was nothing to be done. They had never liked him, no matter how charming he had tried to be.
Alice hadn't liked him at first either but she'd grown quite fond of him over time.
He was pulled from his planning as boiling water splashed up from the cup he was pouring into. With an annoyed grunt he quickly set the kettle down to examine his hand. The pain didn't particularly bother him; he was no stranger to it after all. Nor was his Alice.
Thoughts of her flooded his mind again and he hummed a tune as he picked up the cup of tea he had just prepared for his love.
He found her just as she had been, curled up under the blanket, evidence of her affection for him drying on her beautiful face.
'I made you a tea.' He told her pleasantly, setting it just out of her reach. 'It is quite hot at the moment.'
Nothing. Perhaps she had fallen asleep. She had been sleeping a lot lately, if not poorly.
He gently woke her and helped her into a sitting position. She had been quite weak lately which worried him somewhat.
He picked up the cup of tea and grinned at her. 'Tea?'
She shook her head and shuffled away slightly. There was a light rattle as she moved.
'You should never waste tea, darling.'
She opened her mouth to protest and his hand shot out and forced her head back. Keeping her mouth open, he poured the scalding liquid down her throat. Her skin blistered where it made contact with her face and bare chest. Fresh tears sprang to her eyes as she struggled against her bonds.
Her only comfort was that hopefully he would tire of her as he had the rest of her family and finally let her die.
Injuries and a Broken Phone
It seems lately my issues have been piling on even more. I'm currently typing this with one hand since my left one is injured. My left wrist as well as the top of my hand are sore and swollen courtesy of my nine year old.
Yesterday she decided she didn't want to go to school. Again.
and I decided she would not be staying with us for the day. For a little context, my daughter chose to live with her dad rather than myself and my boyfriend. My ex drops her off in the mornings and my boyfriend and I take her to school, pick her up and spend time with her until she is picked up in the evenings.
She threw a massive tantrum and refused to go. My ex and I had to take turns carrying her to the school. The whole way, she was literally kicking and screaming. At one point she got a very good kick directly on my wrist. Though it hurt, I didn't think much of it. A few hours later it was swollen and still is now. I can move it, but it hurts quite a bit to do so.
It doesn't help that I also banged up my left knee falling on ice and spent a good portion of the day limping around.
I decided to see about getting in to see my doctor since the swelling hasn't gone down much in my hand but he's not available. This is basically the norm with him.
If that wasn't enough, I'm now having yet another issue with my phone. It was working fine first thing this morning. The screen started flashing on and off and it won't restart, turn off or reset. I decided to take it to a kiosk owned by the company I got it from. The guy poked at it, looked up my information, told me there is a month let on my manufacturers warranty and said I could also take it to a phone clinic. I was told they can't ship it to the company so I decided to try the clinic. They said it's likely a motherboard issue which would cost more to fix than the phone is worth.
I am currently having a very slow conversation with my phone company to possibly see about if not a replacement than putting a pause on my service until I can get another phone.
It will probably take me longer to get a straight answer out of them than it has for me to type this one handed.
Cursed Woods
There are things in this world that aren't meant to be known.
At least, that was what Marielle told herself as she ran blindly through the strange forest.
Breath, run and don't fall down. Breath, run and don't fall down.
In her panicked state it was all she could do to keep those thoughts running through her head. Her lungs and legs ached from the exertion.
Stop. Rest a while. Everything is fine.
She shook her head as the words seeped into her consciousness. Those weren't her thoughts.
She'd heard stories of this place, people said it had a way of getting in your head. Making you do things, see and hear things. She'd been warned against coming here by anyone she'd mentioned it to.
There were things in the woods they'd said. Unnatural and dark. She'd shook her head at the old woman who had clutched her sleeve and begged her to stay away.
She'd met their stories with skepticism and mirth; she hadn't laughed in their faces of course, that would be rude but she'd laughed in private all the same.
That so many of them believed all these fairytales had shown her how simple minded small communities were. Or so she'd thought.
Shortly after noon, she had wandered into the woods, the warnings of the locals ringing in her ears. A sense of foreboding had surrounded her like a thick, suffocating blanket. She's merely shaken it off; the locals must have gotten to her a bit more than she'd thought.
Though mid June, the trees surrounding her were bare, their branches naked and skeletal, like fingers reaching out to grab her. The trees must have had leaves, at one time. The evidence of this being the thick carpet of discarded foliage which only made her journey that much harder as she was unable to see the gnarled roots underneath.
After wandering for a half hour or so, she had realized she wasn't as alone as she thought. The strange, twisted trees were hiding something. She caught movement out of the corner of her eye but whenever she turned to investigate, there was nothing. Not even a sound to indicate someone following.
She'd continued to wander until she reached what she assumed was close to if not the heart of the forest itself. As she'd drawn nearer, the eeriness of the place had become more apparent.
She should have turned back. She knew that now. She could hear them gaining on her even as she tried desperately to keep going. She brushed a few strands of hair off her sweaty forehead and kept running, hoping to reach the edge of the Cursed Woods. Her foot hit something and sent her tumbling to the ground.
Tree root. She thought numbly as her legs refused to allow her to stand.
They would reach her this time. There would be nothing left and she would be just another story.
Not Quite What I Had In Mind
I realize this is a few days late. I did mean to write this article a couple days ago but it slipped my mind and when I did remember again, I just didn't have the motivation.
This past Valentines Day was my first one with my new boyfriend. I was both looking forward to it and not. Holidays always have a way of getting messed up in one form or another. That's just always been the case for me no matter what I do or how I try.
Sadly, this Valentines Day was no different. The day started off with my ex dropping my daughter off for me to take to school and her deciding she didn't want to go. My boyfriend and I both tried to convince her and she refused to listen. I was tempted to pick her up and take her myself but between a bad back and being unable to get her into her jacket, that wasn't a viable option.
I did end up calling the school to tell them that her absence was not parent approved. About an hour after this, the principal called and tried to convince her to come to school, this also had no effect. My ex called from work to tell her as well.
In addition to deciding not to go to school, she spent the day mostly ignoring me or talking to me like I was nothing. We also had company for a good portion of the day which wasn't all that welcome.
The only thing that actually ended up working out the day of, was my dinner. I decided to make herb and garlic mashed potatoes, vegetables and slow baked ribs with a homemade rub and chocolate bbq sauce. Thankfully, that at least came out better than expected. I would have taken a picture of it but, they were gone before I got the chance.
My boyfriend and I did exchange our gifts after my daughter was picked up and our company left. He even got me a single rose since he knows how much i love them but also knows I'm not one who likes a bunch of them.
The end of the day was more peaceful but overall, it wasn't too great a day sadly. I hope you all had a better day.
Who Am I?
The problem with making a major change is that it forces you to look at things differently, including yourself.
For the past 14 years, I've been a wife. For the past 9 years, I've been a mom. Before that I was a sister and a daughter.
I'm still a sister and a daughter. Even if I don't talk to one of my parents. I'm still a mom even though my daughter isn't with me full time anymore.
I'm not a wife anymore. I spent so many years focusing on others, 24/7 it was about someone else. Never me. I threw myself into trying to be a good mother, constantly doubting everything I did. I did my best to make my marriage work, always fighting against the tide even after I realized it was a lost cause.
I tried because I didn't know what else to do. Giving up felt like failure. Giving up meant letting go of something that at the very least kept me busy.
I have a loving and supportive boyfriend now. He makes me happier than I have been in a long time. My ex and I get along which makes things easier.
The only problem is that such a drastic change throws something into sharp relief. I have no idea who I am anymore. So much of my identity was focused on the people around me. On being what they needed.
Now that I have the time and support to find myself, I'm not sure where to start.
Not Just Headaches
I've suffered from migraines for as long as I can remember, since before I had even heard of them.
At the age of 9, I finally realized that they were not normal headaches, though I had no clue what they actually were.
At the age of twelve, I remember coming home crying my eyes out because the pain was even more intense than before. I felt sick, clammy, and had stumbled home half blind before finally regaining full sight just in time for the pain to kick in.
I remember my mom being on the phone when I stumbled in, looking for comfort and her telling whoever she was talking to that she had to go. It was after that incident that she took me to the doctor.
She told him what was happening and that she suspected it was a migraine. This doctor insisted that 'Children can't get migraines.' That was that. No more was said or done and for years I suffered from them again and again.
When I was 14, my father took me to a doctor and I told him my symptoms. He said they were in fact migraines and that there is no proof kids can't suffer from them. He ran some tests but they couldn't find the cause. He suggested it might be caffeine, and right before Christmas of all times, I was forced to avoid anything with it. Including chocolate.
I still got them. Eventually they just told me there was no physical cause and said it was probably stress.
Even a few years ago, I was tested again because I still get them. Still no answers. While I'm glad there doesn't seem to be any physical reason, it's frustrating to know I suffer from something that interferes with my life so much at times. Not having any answers is frustrating and disheartening at times.
They are not just headaches. They are debilitating and anyone who doesn't suffer from them should be grateful.
My Version Of 'God'
There are many theories and opinions on what kind of higher being or power may exist in the universe. I personally try to be open minded but even I have my own theory on the subject.
When I was younger, I was pushed into going to church even though I didn't hold with the beliefs. Ironically enough, it was an Atheist that forced me into going. Although it was never confirmed for me, I strongly believe his only motivation to forcing the issue was to make me miserable.
He always did try to find more ways than one to torment me and he already knew I wasn't fond of most religion in general.
As a child going to church, I always envisioned God to be an all powerful man sitting on a throne somewhere and that thought just never appealed to me. After researching and looking into other religions as well, I also didn't like the idea of an all powerful female either.
The idea of multiple Gods/Goddesses was interesting but never what I envisioned.
Eventually, I simply stumbled upon the idea of thinking of it in a different way. Even now, I find myself preferring to think of it more like a mass of energy rather that anything with a physical form.
I'm not sure of exactly why that is or if it would even make sense to anyone else. It's simply my own thought on the matter.
Please note, I have nothing against any religion and this is in no way intended to upset anyone or change anyone elses personal beliefs.
It's A Mess Inside My Head
I'm not sure how long this article will actually be but I'm writing it anyway. A lot of things have changed in the past while and I'm still trying to adjust. I've been massively stressed and it seems every time I start to feel a little bit better, something drags me back to the dark.
Honestly my head is just too full right now and I guess I'm hoping typing out some of what's going on in my head will help.
I left the man I spent 14 years with. There were a lot of issues that I won't get into but I will say it was not a choice I took lightly. Sometimes things just don't work out the way you hope.
In addition to moving, having a new boyfriend and adjusting to a new household dynamic, I also have to come to terms with the fact that my daughter is none too fond of me at the moment.
She decided to live with her dad because I chose to walk away. If that weren't enough, she has also decided the best way to get her dad and I back together is to (try to) sabotage my current relationship.
The man I am with now is someone she has known her whole life and she has always loved him. He's always loved her like a daughter and it hurts to know her feelings towards him and myself have been so badly turned because she's having a hard time.
I understand it's difficult for her coming to terms with the fact I'm happy with someone who isn't her dad. I've done my best to be understanding and thankfully so has my boyfriend. I'm not sure it's having any effect though.
Hopefully with time things will change. My ex has stated he is having multiple health problems as of late and I admit, I am worried about him. My boyfriend understands this as well. He knows that the man is not only the father of my child but someone whom I spent over a decade with.
I'm not sure what's going on there at the moment but he has promised to keep me up to date on things. Only time will tell, I suppose. I am trying not to think on it too much simply because I have no idea what it is I'm worrying about yet.
I'm also worried about my mom. Last year her husband was diagnosed with lung cancer. They tried him on radiation and he got a check up last month. They said there has been no change. The tumors didn't grow or shrink but they aren't offering him any other treatment options.
If that weren't enough, she called me today which worried me because she never calls in the middle of the day. Her bearded dragon passed away earlier in the day when she was cuddling him.
She knew he wasn't well and had scheduled an appointment with the vet for today but he sadly never made it as he passed before the appointment. My mom has had Rex for several years and I know she's devastated. The problem is with no way there, all I can do is comfort her over text and phone calls.
I think that's about all I can handle to write at the moment. My mind is a mess right now.
How many Bell technicians does it take to move internet service?
Answer: 5
One to come out and say they can't do it,
Another to lay the outside line,
One to say they can't find the house
Another to come in, look around and leave
Another to finally come and activate the service.
Time Brings Major Change
I wish I could say it's just been a long time since I've published anything on here, but that's not the entire truth. it's actually been a long time (longer than I care to admit) since I've written anything at all.
I went through a really rough patch in more ways than one.
This past year I've been suffering from horrible depression. Though I am happier now, I still wrestle with my demons some days.
There's been a lot of changes since I was last on here and for some reason it feels like the right time to finally tell you what's been going on. The major changes, at least.
Near the beginning of the year, I made a massive change and left my husband. I am still on good terms with him and hope that remains despite the difficult situation I caused all of us.
It says something about him that he is even willing to talk to me after what happened.
Now, we have had a lot of issues in the last 14 years and this was not a choice I took lightly. I made my issues known and they were not things that could simply be overlooked. I won't go into full detail but I will say I tried many times to address these issues and he never wanted to talk. I reached a point in the marriage where I realized I was the only one fighting for it and that just doesn't work.
Constantly being shut down when you wanted to address something or having a spouse who refuses to listen to anything you say among other things, gets exhausting to say the least.
While I don't think he intended it, I somehow managed to feel smothered (Several phone calls through the day even though we had nothing to talk about) and totally alone. (because he refused to listen to anything I had to say) Obviously this was horrible for my mental health. It was also unfair to both him and our daughter because I was rarely happy. One can only hide that kind of pain for so long.
I tried to tell myself things would get better but that never seemed to happen. To make things more complicated, I ended up doing something I didn't think would ever happen. I fell for someone else. As cliché as it is, I fell for one of his friends and his friend felt the same way.
Obviously this made our situation even more complicated. This friend has been around for years and has loved our daughter like his own right from the start but I had never considered him more than a good friend. It was a lot for us to handle when we discovered and admitted our feelings to each other.
My husband was rightfully angry and heartbroken when he found out that not only was I leaving, but that his friend and I are in love. Despite this, we knew we had to come to some arrangement if only for the sake of our daughter.
In less than a few days, I had moved out of our apartment and he had decided to move as well. On top of that my daughter was (and still is) angry with me. While she admits that her father needs to change, she still holds me solely responsible for leaving him.
She admitted she hasn't seen me as happy as I am now in a long time but she is still mad that I'm happy with someone who isn't her father. I understand her conflict and I wish there had been an easier way to do things for her. I admit, I often think back on it and consider what I could have done differently. I don't regret leaving, but I do regret how things went.
My daughter has decided she wants to live with her dad instead of me. I wasn't overly thrilled with the choice and of course it hurt. Nonetheless, I know her dad won't hurt her and apparently he is stepping up for her. I'm grateful for that.
I cried once she left the room after telling me she wanted to live with her dad. As much as it hurts, I refuse to let her see it. She's dealing with enough already. I did however tell her that I don't have to like her choice to respect it.
I've also told her that while I understand her anger, she still needs to respect my position as her mom even if she doesn't like my choice to leave her dad. In a way, it baffles me. She knew enough to know I wasn't being treated right (though he was never physically abusive) yet she still blames only me because I finally walked away. I hope one day she has a better understanding of why I did what I did.
I think this article is long enough and my mind is starting to go in too many different directions at once now anyway. I am hoping to get into writing again as I settle into a new routine.
I have missed being here.
Day 2 of no junk food.
Him: 'You can stay in a clown motel next to an actual cemetery.'
Me: *Looking at pictures of the motel* 'I'd rather stay in the cemetery.'
Please Understand
I can feel it getting bad again. I find myself biting my tongue and gritting my teeth far too often right now. I'm doing my best to not snap as almost anything seems to set me off at the moment.
I am forcing myself to eat because I know I have to but the truth is, I just don't care to. Talking to people right now feels like a chore rather than a pleasure. I recognize the signs; having dealt with this for so long I should recognize them by now.
I'm trying my best to stop the feeling, the emptiness from sinking it's claws into me but I can feel it coming.
I know how this works. I can't fight it off forever no matter how much I wish I could. I wish I could turn it off.
I'm at war with myself. Half of me wants to be left alone while the other half wants someone with me. I don't want advice or someone to talk to. I just want someone who understands and can sit with me until I feel better.
That's how I know it's bad. I'm so used to dealing with things particularly emotional things alone that I rarely want someone to hold my hand.
The problem is, I'm surrounded by people who say they understand. Who say they know what it's like. I can come to them, talk to them. But I can't.
I've tried. There have been times I've reached out to get no response or be told they don't want to hear it. I should just stop being sad.
I'm not sad. It's not a sadness, it's an empty, tired feeling that sucks the life out of me. I lose interest in things I normally love. Reading leaves me frustrated. I find myself reading the same line again and again because my mind can't seem to retain the words. Tv shows and movies don't hold my attention no matter how much I love them. Even cooking provides little comfort save for a far too short distraction.
I'm trying my best but nobody sees that. The people close to me are losing patience. My tone of voice is off. I'm too quiet. I'm not sleeping. I'm eating less. All these things are making me an inconvenience to people I care about and it's only making me feel worse.
I can't blame them for losing patience. I'm losing them with myself too. The problem with that is it does nothing to help someone who's already struggling.
Yelling at someone who is battling depression does not help. It only serves to further pull them into the deep pit they are fighting to climb out of inch by agonizing inch.
Telling someone who's world has been made gloomy and colourless to 'Get over it' does nothing to help even with the best of intentions.
I have good days but it seems there aren't enough of them to keep the people in my life happy. I understand their frustration because it's mine as well. When I get this way, I feel like I'm letting everyone down which only makes it worse.
There have been plenty of times where I have been asked what is causing it and my inability to find a specific trigger angers people. Depression does not need a reason to strike. It seems that is something that a lot of people don't understand. It's not as simple as something obvious causing it. It can strike with no warning and no reason at times.
I see both sides. I know it's not easy to deal with someone who goes through depression but it's not easy for me either. A little time, understanding and patience can go a long way for someone who suffers from this terrible illness.
Tara: 'I'm going to go play instead of laying around like a little lump.'
Me: 'Ok. I can't talk. I'm laying around like a lump.'
Tara: 'That's because you're hurting. I'm not.'
Tara to me because I was gone for one night 'I missed you. Don't ever go away for a week.'
Me: 'It was one night and you were with your dad. I don't think you two would manage a week anyway.'
*Tara pushing on wrong side of door to leave the store*
Me: 'Other side.'
Tara: 'Pushes wrong side again*
Me: 'Push the other side.'
Tara: *Pushes wrong side again*
Me: *Hands full and can't get to the door from my angle* 'Push the other side.'
Tara: *Finally catches on and pushes the other side* 'Oh! See? Proven point. I need you.'
Me: *Looking for my daughter and her sneaking up on me* 'Holy sh*t!'
Her: *Watching me calmly with a small smirk* 'Beware I am a spirit and I shall linger.'
Me: *Bursts out laughing*
Tara: 'Why do people keep sending the meet me link?'
Me: *Not thinking* 'Don't ask me. I'm not people.'
Tara: 'You're not people?'
Me: *Realizing what I said* 'Apparently not.'
@Paganprincess