Time Brings Major Change

I wish I could say it's just been a long time since I've published anything on here, but that's not the entire truth. it's actually been a long time (longer than I care to admit) since I've written anything at all.

I went through a really rough patch in more ways than one.

This past year I've been suffering from horrible depression. Though I am happier now, I still wrestle with my demons some days.

There's been a lot of changes since I was last on here and for some reason it feels like the right time to finally tell you what's been going on. The major changes, at least.

Near the beginning of the year, I made a massive change and left my husband. I am still on good terms with him and hope that remains despite the difficult situation I caused all of us.

It says something about him that he is even willing to talk to me after what happened.

Now, we have had a lot of issues in the last 14 years and this was not a choice I took lightly. I made my issues known and they were not things that could simply be overlooked. I won't go into full detail but I will say I tried many times to address these issues and he never wanted to talk. I reached a point in the marriage where I realized I was the only one fighting for it and that just doesn't work.

Constantly being shut down when you wanted to address something or having a spouse who refuses to listen to anything you say among other things, gets exhausting to say the least.

While I don't think he intended it, I somehow managed to feel smothered (Several phone calls through the day even though we had nothing to talk about) and totally alone. (because he refused to listen to anything I had to say) Obviously this was horrible for my mental health. It was also unfair to both him and our daughter because I was rarely happy. One can only hide that kind of pain for so long.

I tried to tell myself things would get better but that never seemed to happen. To make things more complicated, I ended up doing something I didn't think would ever happen. I fell for someone else. As cliché as it is, I fell for one of his friends and his friend felt the same way.

Obviously this made our situation even more complicated. This friend has been around for years and has loved our daughter like his own right from the start but I had never considered him more than a good friend. It was a lot for us to handle when we discovered and admitted our feelings to each other.

My husband was rightfully angry and heartbroken when he found out that not only was I leaving, but that his friend and I are in love. Despite this, we knew we had to come to some arrangement if only for the sake of our daughter.

In less than a few days, I had moved out of our apartment and he had decided to move as well. On top of that my daughter was (and still is) angry with me. While she admits that her father needs to change, she still holds me solely responsible for leaving him.

She admitted she hasn't seen me as happy as I am now in a long time but she is still mad that I'm happy with someone who isn't her father. I understand her conflict and I wish there had been an easier way to do things for her. I admit, I often think back on it and consider what I could have done differently. I don't regret leaving, but I do regret how things went.

My daughter has decided she wants to live with her dad instead of me. I wasn't overly thrilled with the choice and of course it hurt. Nonetheless, I know her dad won't hurt her and apparently he is stepping up for her. I'm grateful for that.

I cried once she left the room after telling me she wanted to live with her dad. As much as it hurts, I refuse to let her see it. She's dealing with enough already. I did however tell her that I don't have to like her choice to respect it.

I've also told her that while I understand her anger, she still needs to respect my position as her mom even if she doesn't like my choice to leave her dad. In a way, it baffles me. She knew enough to know I wasn't being treated right (though he was never physically abusive) yet she still blames only me because I finally walked away. I hope one day she has a better understanding of why I did what I did.

I think this article is long enough and my mind is starting to go in too many different directions at once now anyway. I am hoping to get into writing again as I settle into a new routine.

I have missed being here.