I apologize if this article is a bit scattered or you know, a lot. The warning is right in the title though. I'm trying to juggle multiple things at once at the moment. If it is scattered, it's a perfect representation of my current thought pattern.
Besides, I could clean it up, but sometimes I think it's good to show the messier side of things. At least then other people who are the same way can realize they are not alone. That everything doesn't start out as perfectly polished gold.
I've always had a problem with follow through on some things. Particularly if those things are making improvements to myself for myself. I've tried to make changes in the past and I do, the problem comes after. I change and they I revert back. I don't mean to and I know I'm not the only one with this problem.
I'm tired of it though and I want to change it especially because now that I look at it differently, It's not only for myself.
I have this habit of eating well and exercising and doing really well for a few weeks or even a month or so. Then I have a day where I feel like crap and I don't get up or a day where my depression kicks in and I'll eat way too much of something I shouldn't eat. Then I'll feel like crap physically and emotionally and think, Well what's the point? I already ruined it anyway so why try?
It's a bad mindset and I try to avoid it. About a month ago I had a problem with fitbit which meant I couldn't sync and therefore couldn't participate in my stepbet game and had to leave it. I do stepbet to get a little extra cash and as a way to encourage me to walk more.
When I couldn't do the game, I once again got discouraged. The holiday season didn't help much either. I don't like the holidays so I do tend to over do it because I'm not in the best mindset during them.
The combination of everything sent me into a bit of a downward spiral which I know I need to pull myself out of and soon. Not just for my sake but for my family. I know I'm not the best person to be around when I get into that state and nobody else should have to suffer because of it. Of course, that only makes me feel more guilty.
It seems I feel guilty at the drop of a hat. That's why I try to fight my battles myself. It's why I got into writing to begin with and why I still do it now. That's why I'm writing this mess of an article at this very moment.
On a positive note, I did almost reach my step goal today already thanks to my treadmill. My goal is to get on it 6 days a week every morning even if it's just for a half hour of so. Anything is better than nothing, right?
If you made it this far reading the disaster that is my thoughts, I applaud you. I just needed to get this all out so I can start feeling lighter emotionally.