I can feel it getting bad again. I find myself biting my tongue and gritting my teeth far too often right now. I'm doing my best to not snap as almost anything seems to set me off at the moment.
I am forcing myself to eat because I know I have to but the truth is, I just don't care to. Talking to people right now feels like a chore rather than a pleasure. I recognize the signs; having dealt with this for so long I should recognize them by now.
I'm trying my best to stop the feeling, the emptiness from sinking it's claws into me but I can feel it coming.
I know how this works. I can't fight it off forever no matter how much I wish I could. I wish I could turn it off.
I'm at war with myself. Half of me wants to be left alone while the other half wants someone with me. I don't want advice or someone to talk to. I just want someone who understands and can sit with me until I feel better.
That's how I know it's bad. I'm so used to dealing with things particularly emotional things alone that I rarely want someone to hold my hand.
The problem is, I'm surrounded by people who say they understand. Who say they know what it's like. I can come to them, talk to them. But I can't.
I've tried. There have been times I've reached out to get no response or be told they don't want to hear it. I should just stop being sad.
I'm not sad. It's not a sadness, it's an empty, tired feeling that sucks the life out of me. I lose interest in things I normally love. Reading leaves me frustrated. I find myself reading the same line again and again because my mind can't seem to retain the words. Tv shows and movies don't hold my attention no matter how much I love them. Even cooking provides little comfort save for a far too short distraction.
I'm trying my best but nobody sees that. The people close to me are losing patience. My tone of voice is off. I'm too quiet. I'm not sleeping. I'm eating less. All these things are making me an inconvenience to people I care about and it's only making me feel worse.
I can't blame them for losing patience. I'm losing them with myself too. The problem with that is it does nothing to help someone who's already struggling.
Yelling at someone who is battling depression does not help. It only serves to further pull them into the deep pit they are fighting to climb out of inch by agonizing inch.
Telling someone who's world has been made gloomy and colourless to 'Get over it' does nothing to help even with the best of intentions.
I have good days but it seems there aren't enough of them to keep the people in my life happy. I understand their frustration because it's mine as well. When I get this way, I feel like I'm letting everyone down which only makes it worse.
There have been plenty of times where I have been asked what is causing it and my inability to find a specific trigger angers people. Depression does not need a reason to strike. It seems that is something that a lot of people don't understand. It's not as simple as something obvious causing it. It can strike with no warning and no reason at times.
I see both sides. I know it's not easy to deal with someone who goes through depression but it's not easy for me either. A little time, understanding and patience can go a long way for someone who suffers from this terrible illness.
