Little Update, Holiday Blues

I realize I haven't posted anything for the last week. Truthfully I have been trying to focus on other things recently. The problem with trying to get everything caught up is the something inevitably falls behind.

I've been focusing more on my mental health and just haven't been in the right head space to write much of anything that I want to post at the moment. I have written a few things and I also have a few (okay, more than a few) notes of disconnected, disjointed thoughts that may or may not turn into something more.

Truthfully my whole note app is full of ideas, half written thoughts, passages and scenes that I'm just not happy with right now or have no idea what to do with. In the past, if an idea sat for a year in my phone, I would often delete it but I no longer do that. Just because something has sat for a long time does not mean nothing will ever come of it.

This time of year is always a bit difficult for me. October 25th was the anniversary of a friends death. It's hard to believe he's been gone a little over two years now. Coming up this month is the anniversary of my grandfathers death. Though he passed away in 2007, I never got closure since I was not even informed of his death until years later.

He was always kind and caring and he loved me for me. He was one of the few people in my life who loved and accepted me exactly as I was. No matter how many years go by, it doesn't seem to lessen the pain.

Christmas especially can be difficult for anyone missing loved ones but my grandfather really made Christmas worth something for me. Christmas mostly meant family coming around who didn't think I was good enough. it meant being harassed or ignored by people who should have loved me or at least cared a little bit.

The only time Christmas meant love was the few occasions I spent at my fathers because it meant being around my grandparents. My grandfather especially. He always had this way about him. It was like a warmth that followed him when he entered a room.

With my daughter, we do our best to give her a good Christmas but if I'm being honest, there's always a cloud over me a piece missing. Times I couldn't see my grandfather over holidays were always hard but at least I knew he was at home celebrating. And he would always call me.

Sometimes I still wait for that call even though I know it will never come.