If there is one thing I have unfortunately learned over the years it's that you can't count on people. I know this sounds cynical but I do have my reasons, many in fact for feeling this way. Admittedly, I suffer from a lot of anxiety and asking for help is not an easy thing for me because of past experiences.
Family is supposed to be there for you, they are supposed to love you, protect you and support you. A parents love particularly is supposed to be unconditional but as I've learned, that isn't always the case.
Having a parent who turns their back on you turns your world upside down. I have been through it. Twice by the same parent. The second time was admittedly my fault as I was stupid enough to think maybe he deserved a second chance.
I allowed myself to be talked into it by people who had no real idea what I had been though and because I had a child now, I thought perhaps things would be different. It was by far the biggest mistake of my life and one of the main things I would go back and change if I could.
I am one of those people who does not like asking for help, sometimes to the point of stupidity. I once carried a five drawer dresser down a flight of stairs alone because I was both scared and simply did not want to ask for help.
While I made it down the stairs in one piece, I do still have a faint scar on my shoulder to remind me of just how stupid that was.
Parents aren't the only ones who can fail us or in my case who have. There is too long a list for the number of times I have finally talked myself into asking for help only to be met with silence or some flimsy excuse as to why they can't help me.
A very recent example was when I went to a family member to ask for help with something I am planning for my daughter. I was told he would get back to me in a week. That week came and went and I heard nothing.
Having figured from past experience this may be the case, I had also made arrangements with someone else to be safe. This also led to a dead end. After reaching out to the first person again and hearing nothing, I told him not to worry about it as I would handle it on my own. This too was met with radio silence.
I have learned time and time again that I can count on only myself, and my husband. I think the most annoying and saddening part is that the same people who reject or ignore me when I need help are all people who I have helped in the past.
It is never an easy pill to swallow but I need to remember that I should start putting myself ahead of those who never help me when I need it. The silver lining in lessons like this is that eventually they make you stronger. You end up doing things you didn't think you could or rethinking things to make them work in a way that allows you to handle it without the help of another.
Perhaps this time, the lesson will stick with me. After all, how many times can a person go through it until they learn. Am I hard-headed, or just insane?
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results so I suppose the latter is more likely.
I get that too and specially now when it's like it's an "every man for himself" kind of scenario no matter where you go