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The Three-Day Affairs

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Written by Β Β 132
1 day ago

[WP] You're a staunch atheist with a time machine who is hell-bent on killing each world religion's most recognized historical figures in a bid to rid the world of all religion. Your first target is Jesus, but he keeps coming back to life every three days.

******

LONDON, 2020

The name of the store never changed.

It was always J and J's, or at least it had been since 1950. The guy never even bothered to change, and it meant I found him all the time.

Although it probably didn't matter to him anyway.

Cocking my gun, I kicked my way into the store and watched him trying to sell a chair to what looked like a newly-wedded couple.

Everyone looked at me in shock, especially him. The guy with the long hair and dark glasses.

"Ah... ignore that guy," he said, looking uncomfortable.

"This is handmade, from the best mahogany. Strong, durable, with soft foam fitting. Sleeping on this will be as enjoyable an experience as, I don't know, I... sorry, Jesus sleeping on the ship during the storm."

"We're atheists," they both said, looking at him indignantly.

I sniggered as I put my gun in my pocket.

"Well, ah... this is awkward. Would you like to know about me... I mean Jesus?"

"No."

"You get a discount if you take this pamphlet?" he said, handing them a couple of pamphlets I was sure were all filled with his Christianity stuff.

"Let's leave, Frances," the man said, dragging his wife out of the store.

"The Lord be with you!" he shouted as they left.

"Well, that was awkward," he said, sitting down on the chair he'd just tried to sell. " You die for a couple of people and then, 2000 years later, they think you're just a load of hogwash. Do you know what it feels like to be scourged at a pillar?"

I shot at him, but in a flash, he was behind me.

"Dude, you can't just go around shooting up my upholstery. That took me five years to make, and it's an age-old technique."

Within an instant, he was back at the chair, and as soon as he rubbed on the shot area, the bullet popped out and the hole sealed.

"Christ," I said, still shocked at his 'miracles' after so many years.

"You know, most people call me Jesus, but it's fine. Whatever makes you become a believer, Sylva."

"How the f*ck do you know my name?" I asked.

Within an instant, he was beside me, adjusting my necktie.

"I'm Jesus. I mean, it's that clear."

"I don't believe in you."

"And yet you're here to kill me. I've never seen someone who lied to himself this much. Well except when Peter said he wouldn't deny me. I saw through that lie like I was looking through a window."

I sniggered. He'd developed a nice sense of humor over the years.

"You are here to attempt to kill me again, aren't you? Do you never get tired of this?"

"I'm sent from the future to end this plague called religion. I will never get..."

"Here's my newest book: The Art of Parable Telling. It really helps convey your ideas in a way that doesn't sound so 'I'm-a-futuristic-crazy-terminator-on-an-evil-mission," he said. Instantly a book appeared in my hand.

How the hell...?

"...does he do that? I'm Jesus," he said, laughing as he completed my thought.

"You can't be roaming around my head. That's an invasion of..."

"I died for you. And besides, I thought you said I wasn't real. But you've been trying to kill me since... forever.

I mean, as Pilate in 30-what AD? ...

During the Bubonic Plague. During the First world WAR.

At that Elvis Presley concert, I went to evangelize in the 70s. The disco party I went to evangelize in the 80s. The first iPod release in 2001. The 2014 world cup in Brazil."

Now that he mentioned it, I'd been at this for quite a while.

"The fact is you know atheism isn't real. You're just trying to make it. And because I'm the first religion you've tried to eliminate, you're still at this. Don't you get tired?"

"I cannot rest until..."

"Come unto me, all ye that are heavy laden. And I will give you re..."

I fired at him, but he caught the bullet.

"I mean, I died for these people, and then they go on to create these? As if bows and arrows weren't bad enough. And I thought you'd come with more advanced weapons anyway. Not that they'd work, but it would be way cooler."

Instantly, he was behind me, holding my gun and examining it. I couldn't stand these short-range teleportations.

"How are you teleporting?"

"With the power of faith in..."

"Oh brother! Look, can we just get to the part where I kill you?" I asked

"Actually, I'd really appreciate it if you didn't I just moved here from America, bleurgh. I'm sorry, but their taste in furniture is appalling. they'd never appreciate this art that has been passed down," he said, rubbing his chairs.

"Anyway, I just opened this shop, and I've already made one sale. I have a feeling I'll be able to spread the..."

"You really are going to keep on doing this, huh?" I asked, annoyed.

"I've had to adapt to changing times, situations, and slangs. I've stayed as current as I can. But having to die for three days about once in two months is becoming really annoying, Sylva."

"Then die."

"I can't, we both know that."

"Why?"

"Here, let me kill you," he said, already raising his hand in the same manner he used to curse that fig tree.

"No!" I screamed, moving back.

"Oh, you really don't wanna die, but you think I enjoy it, huh? Do you know what it means to climb up a mountain with a heavy cross on your shoulders? I mean, I did it a lot, but without the cross. I fell a lot of times. That was so not cool, but I endured all of that. Why would you think I'll enjoy dying?"

"So you do have human feelings?"

"Gee, I'm surprised too," he said, rolling his eyes.

"Is that sarcasm?"

"Well aren't you bright?" he answered.

"If you do feel human, do you feel anger, hate, love..."

"First off, I AM Love. It even says so in the Bible, which you should read. And I've felt anger once. When the people were trying to open a Walmart in the temple. I mean, they literally saw me coming with a whip and thought I was coming with more parables. Until the woman selling a 2-for-1 dove flash sale got a real flash on the back."

We both burst into laughter. He was good, too good.

"See you next month, bro!" I said, stabbing him in the chest.

"Lord forgive him, for he knows..."

Again with that talk! Urgh!

******

@Hanzell @Leo_kitti this one was a bit fun.

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Comments

nice story

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1 day ago

Nice story...Good writing. Check my article dear.

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1 day ago

Haha. This one was crazyπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚. Lemmi share it on my WhatsApp story😭 and Facebook.

I especially enjoyed the last humor πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ Jesus Christ

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1 day ago

πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ Why, thank you! I do my best πŸ™ˆπŸ™ˆπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

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1 day ago

πŸ˜πŸ˜‹

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1 day ago

Definitely fun πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ can't say i could do justified to this prompt in the same way you could though. This was way too funny

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1 day ago

Thanks πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ I guess I've decided to put a humorous spin on things.

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1 day ago

I think my humor is too dark these days but i love your humor πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

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1 day ago

Bold of you to assume I don't absolutely relish dark humor πŸ˜œπŸ˜‹

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1 day ago

I'm aware at your humor UwU i guess it's mostly a thing with depressy pipol

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1 day ago

Lol maybe

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1 day ago