[WP] Humanity has merged into a single immortal consciousness. Everyone who has ever lived has become as one, a being of pure energy and infinite love, that shall last to the death of the universe and beyond. And they’re here to explain why they left you out.
Well, well, well.
Did they say that three or four times? I honestly couldn't remember. Not that it was important anyway, but it was the only thing I could say now.
Now that they were here.
I finished my can of rootbeer and threw it in the trash bag I was carrying out, purposefully ignoring the giant glowing orb in my driveway. I mean, you come to a guy's crib unannounced and just stand, sorry, float there?
"Chris," a male voice said from within the orb. I didn't recognize whose it was, but I just hated all the different voices I could hear from that orb.
"Is rejecting me not enough? Can't a lonely guy enjoy just another day of loneliness without having, I don't know, the friggin' SUN come to visit?"
"Still unhappy, are we?"
"Oh no, I'm jumping for joy. I'm the last human alive on this planet with a body of my own. Nobody to talk to except these mutts around here. That sounds like a jolly good lifestyle, huh?" I said, throwing a stick at the orb.
It phased through.
"We all know you're the reason why you're not here, Chris."
"What reason?... Hey, wait a friggin' second. Is that Barack Obama?"
"Yes, it's me."
"You mofos allowed him in? This guy legalized gay marriages. He's the reason grown men got to tie their dicks together in a friggin' church! How the hell did he get in and I didn't?!" I asked, angrily.
"That's the issue here. You have dark sentiments towards... almost everyone. Your dark, offensive beliefs are nauseating." Obama said.
"You know what's nauseating? Same-sex marriages! Next thing, you guys will say Billie Eilish is in there too."
"Wait, hold up! She is in there?! I cannot believe you guys right now!"
"H-hi man," she said.
"Fekk off, princess. She literally sang a song titled 'All the Good Girls go to hell'. All I did was make memes."
"Look, Ozzy, you have to realize that your dark sentiments, including the dark humor, ensured that you couldn't live amongst others normally. You'd create a toxic atmosphere for everyone - cancer patients, the LGBTQ community, in fact, anyone with quirks," Obama said again.
"Sheesh, calm down, it's all dark, offensive humor. It's funny, nothing personal. It's definitely not that deep. Not that I hate gays or cancer patients, but dark memes about them are the bomb!"
"That twisted sense of humor is not compatible with the rest of the beliefs of the people in here. All the members of your dark humor subreddit left there to become pure and clean, purged of all their prejudices and quirks. We expected you to the same," a female voice said.
I knew that voice.
"Angela? You're in there too?"
"Yes, Chris. I'm not proud of the man you've become!"
Angela was my ex-girlfriend.
"Angela, you have a mole the size of the moon on your left butt cheek. There's a lot of stuff you won't be proud of."
Other than a few gasps, including hers, everywhere was silent.
"Anyways, I'm not about to join your stupid hippy freaky orb and be one with all of you misfits. Unlike you, I'm not wanking to purity and perfection. I love being different, antisocial, ME For crying out loud, why would I want to lose my identity to be a part of..." I looked at the orb, "...this?"
"To be part of something much bigger than you?"
"Dark humor is bigger than me!"
"Grow up, you misfit!" a voice roared. The image of a bald man began to show on the orb.
"Tried saying that to your hair?" I asked.
"I have Cancer."
"And I'm an Aquarius, nice to meet you too," I said.
The man fumed, but his face receded immediately.
I could tell none of them could stand my guts, but they were desperate to win me over. Why was that?
"Why are you guys here?"
"Look, Chris, when we were all... individuals, the dark energy could be dispersed among many people. But now we're all together as one, the dark energy has just one host. You."
"So? So? So, you're about to be possessed by all the evil energy in the world."
"What is wrong with you?"
"What's wrong with me? What's wrong is that I'm not a stupid panty-waisted conformist like all of you. I'm not going to abandon my identity to join a couple of fvckers in a big glowing ball, just chilling and being pure. What's wrong with me is that I'm right. I have prejudices, I have a twisted sense of humor, so yeah!"
"You always said I can't force you to be prejudiced, or use stereotypes. You wanted to be free with your beliefs, and so did I. If I get to be invested with all the dark energy and still be me, that's a huge win!"
"You do realize that you'll then be in enmity with all of us, don't you?" the bald guy said.
"You couldn't even battle cancer and you want to fight me? Pipe down, baldie." #I said, re-entering my house,
"This means war!" the orb screamed after me.
"Yeah, right right. Put on your big-boy pants and get ready for WW3."
@Hanzell @Leo_kitti I didn't enjoy this one as muchc;;-;;