To understand what is actually happening with junior highers in thesocial dimension of life, we must begin with a stock theme of adolescent psychology. Simply stated, it is a primary task of early adolescenceto break ties with the family and to establish an identity that is separate from parents or other authority figures. This is the adolescent quest for autonomy or independence.
Little children tend to be carbon copies of Mom and Dad. They follow their parents around, do what their parents tell them to do, believe what their parents believe. But when children reach adoles.cence, they want to be their own person, separate from their parents.They want to make their own choices and commitments, to be set free.
They want to be treated like adults, or at least to not be treated like children. This is when kids become highly critical of their parents and consider them and everything they do and think to be hopelessly old fashioned. They may be embarrassed by their parents and prefer not to be seen with them in the shopping mall or sit with them in churchbecause they don't want anyone to mistake them for children. While there are certainly exceptions, this behavior is normal and to be expected with early adolescents.
Obviously this accounts for many of the problems between parents and their early adolescent children. Many parents are caught completely off guard by this disturbing development. Some parents take it personally and feel terribly discouraged. They find it hard to understand why they are suddenly "losing control." They never had such problems before. Just when their children are finally learning to be good, obedient boys and girls, they become young adolescents and appear to take a giant step backward. I usually counsel parents that it s helpful to remember that adolescent development progresses via the detour of regression. Sometimes things have to get worse before they get better.
Many parents may understand this but are reluctant to allow it to happen. As their children move toward independence, they become more rigid and refuse to let out any rope. This results in clashes and strained parent-child relationships. Parents often need extra help understanding that their young adolescent child is not viciously turning against them. They need to know that the child is simply seeking autonomy trying to discover and establish her own identity as an individual, on the other hand , that parents should take a laissez-faire hands-off approch; this would be even more disastrous. Parents remain the most important influence on children throughout thier adolescent years. They are wise to work with their children, nurturing them by giving them a little more freedom, responsibility, and trust, rather than "provoking them to warth" while they are trying to grow up.
The Role of Friends
Along with this quest for autonomy comes a change in the nature of the relationships the young adolescent need and seeks out. A child's primary relationship is with his or her parents. Little children who grow up in healthy homes are generally showered with love, praise, and support from parents, which meets the relational needs of the child. Every child should feel that he is special, that he is the most important person in the world. They believe this because their parents tell them so. There is nothing wrong with this because their parents tell them so. There is nothing wrong with this kind of egocentrism. This gives the child security and confidence.
But when children grow into adolescence and begin their quest for autonomy and independence, they realize that the affirmation and support they get from parents is not enough. They need affirmation and support from "out there in the real world. " As children are beginning the process of leaving the nest, they want to know if they will feel as secure out of the nest as they did in it. They still need their parents' love, but they also need to find others who will validate their self-image in the world.
That's why, as I wrote earlier in my article, the most important question for a junior higher is "Do you like me? or "Am okay?" Junior highers want to what others think of them. Here, of course, is where Friends come in. Friends are the people who say, " Yes I like you; you are okay. I want to be with you. You are my friend. "For young adolescents, friends are mirrors, reflecting back a glimpse of who they are, and what their self-image looks like. If they can find friends,they feel good about themselves. If they cannot, they feel deep feelings of rejection and inferiority.
The junior higher's passion for friends explains some of the behaviors that we commonly associate with this age group, such as their penchant for self-absorption. They can spend hours in the morning getting ready for school, trying to decide what to wear or coiffing their hair. Psychologist David Elkind believes that every early adolescent play to an imaginary audience __ all those people who are watching him, thinking about him, making judgments about him__ and of course, that is everyone in the world. So it matters greatly how they look, what they say, who they're with, where they go. The most interesting subject to junior highers is themselves. If you want your junior highers to listen to you, talk about them. Make them the topic. You can be sure that they want to know what you think about them.
