Leaving a single life and having fun what a pleasure?

6th of March 2022

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I’ve been intentionally single for a full year and I’m so proud of myself because before, not that I was in a lot of serious relationships, but I just always had something going on I didn't want to be bored.  I wanted the excitement and the thrill and the validation. If I'm being honest that is not a good way to enter a relationship or a dating situation in my opinion, but that's the truth and that is why I could never be happy single even when I was single and I was saying like “oh yeah I  feel good, it's so great to be single”, I was lying to myself and to everyone around me and now I’m not.

Now I’m happy single. Last year I was seeing someone, and it ended at the end of the year, and that was like a wake-up call for me because I was just in the exact same situation that I’ve been in so many times before. I felt like I was dating the same person with a different face, you know what I mean. that was when I had the realization that this is my fault. It is like maybe the people that I was dating weren't the best especially not the best for me, but I was choosing them so, who's the idiot here?

I took some hardcore responsibility and I got down and dirty and looked at all my patterns and where they come from and took responsibility. I got therapy not solely because of this but I just wanted to have a professional help me out with my life in general. Also, I wanted to understand more in depth why I have these issues, why do I constantly date people who don't understand me at all, who hate me showing any type of emotion, why can't I express my boundaries in those relationships, why can't I stand up for myself, why can't I feel my anger and so on.

ln these situations I had to be there for myself, and I felt like I couldn't. I think it's so disgusting when someone yells at you, when someone communicates their anger in that way and calls you names or curses at you. You can express your anger in a respectful way.

In a healthy functioning relationship, you need chemistry, compatibility, you need trust, good open communication, understanding and so on. But I was just going off chemistry and that was my biggest mistake in dating. Let's say that chemistry is on a spectrum from one to ten so if you have level 10, maybe nine with someone, it's so intense. Usually, that is gonna be toxic, a healthy amount is like a eight, or seven because obviously you still need chemistry.

Your subconscious mind has an idea, and a definition of what love is and that comes from your early childhood with how your parents loved you. If you didn't feel unconditionally loved, if you didn't feel cared for, accepted, understood like it could be anything you wanted to be and you had the right guidance, I'm so happy for you. But most of us didn't experience that because our parents are flawed people as well who have their own issues and so now your subconscious mind kind of looks for that in other people. It relates to that because that feels comfortable, it feels like home even if it was toxic, that is what it knows.

When you have that 10 out of 10 chemistry with someone, that is what is going on. A good level of chemistry is crucial like a seven or an eight which means I go on a date, I feel the attraction, it's a little bit exciting, it's fun but I can live without this person easily.  I'm like you intrigue me, I wanna know what's going on here but I’m good.

The whole concept of meeting “the one” this is literally everywhere. We are bombarded with it also in our society, our culture. It's like “when are you gonna meet the one, is he the one?” like it's so ingrained in us and in our subconscious mind and it's a huge reason of why a lot of people are unhappy when they're single and also when you're single.

With this whole idea that our society has and this expectation, you aren't a part of a club so to speak. if you're single like you're not part of the cool kids. We as humans are social creatures, we want to belong to a group that feels safe to us, that feels good and so when you're single you kind of go against that because our whole society is like “have you met the one, is he the one, her and her husband are blah blah”. This is a whole thing and most of us never question it. I’ve never questioned it before.

My therapist started bringing it up, so the way these stories usually go is someone is having you “not the best time in their life” they're struggling in some areas, they're a bit of a mess, and then they meet the one and everything is great. Maybe it doesn't start off smoothly in a lot of these like romantic comedies, but then they end up together and they live happily ever after.

By having this idea, you're not really enjoying or taking advantage of your single life because you're constantly looking for the one and you think that “I can't enjoy this time, I need to find the one, and then I can go travel the world, then I can do this then I can feel this”.

You’re in a relationship and because you have this idea that when you meet someone then you're happy, that means that it's their responsibility to make you happy. Your happiness, how you feel in this world, how you feel about your life, how you feel about yourself this relationship. It's you pretty much putting so much of that responsibility on to them because obviously if they're the one you're gonna feel great and that's how you wind up in“what I’m looking for is a relationship”.

I personally much prefer the idea of  “I’m a whole person who is happy with my life, who takes responsibility over my life, over how I feel, you my partner are the same way, you're your own person, you have and know your own interests, you're responsible over your own feelings, your life, how you feel about the world and we come together to this relationship as whole people”.

Because you're really connected and you're together all the time and it's such an intimate relationship those things will overlap a little bit like I will tell you about the issues that I’m facing but I won't put that responsibility on to you and that is so empowering and it's so interesting.

Relationships are so much better and healthier if you take responsibility over your life and over how you feel. When I start dating someone, it's like I am whole and complete as an individual and I don't need you, I know who I am without you, I know that I have a beautiful fulfilling life without you, I know that the way that I feel is not dependent on you, I know that the way I think and feel about myself is not dependent on you.

That's like such a healthy foundation and such like a comfort blanket. Almost like if we break up, I’m gonna be upset but I know that I’m gonna be okay. I have no doubt in my mind about that and I know that I can live without you.

I don't believe that there's the one who's gonna make my life amazing, I’m the one, I’m the one who's gonna make my life amazing and those relationships and those people are just gonna add to it and they're an amazing, beautiful part of life but they're not what defines my life and how I feel.

I do that and I love this whole idea of you becoming the one for yourself and you treating yourself the way you would want your amazing perfect partner to treat you. You are taking yourself on dates, you doing things that you would want to do with your perfect partner, you understanding yourself being, there for yourself when you're upset or when you fail or when you mess up, you accepting yourself exactly as you are and loving every part of yourself. That's my idea of the one and that has changed my life when it comes to being happy single and just being happy in general with myself and my life, and that has been my biggest lesson this year and genuinely how I have become happy single.