Reality: Only for a moment

Hello everyone, how are you all doing? It is kind of weird talking in front of you all, seeing as this is my first time in rehab.

I find it funny and sad at the same time, because I never would have thought I would end up as a drug addict in a million years, but here I am now in rehab.

I would say that all the events that have happened in my life are what have led me to ethics point, but it still brings me to tears anytime I remember how horrible I have become as a person.

From the day I was born, I have had problems, first was the deadly breathing problem that affected me during my younger days.

You would say God didn’t want me on this planet because he has tried his best to kill me in every situation I have found myself in, I don’t even know if I am cursed or it’s just bad luck.

One day I can never forget is when my bad luck took someone important away from me, you could say that was when my life begun to change for the worse.

My father was a great man, he was my hero, and I always looked up to him because he was the person I wanted to become.

He died trying to save me from an accident that I blame myself for.

He pushed me away from the car, but in the process of doing that, he ended up losing his own life.

I am grateful for what he did for me, and there is no single day I don’t remember it, but I wish he had let me die instead of pushing me away.

Ever since that day, I have always felt I was my fault that he died, if only I hadn’t bothered him to go to the park.

If only I didn’t leave his hand that day and rub towards the road, maybe he would still be alive today.

This thoughts run through my head daily like a never ending cycle of torture, and I don’t even know what to do with them.

I have ended up believing that it was my fault that my father died, and I don’t deserve to live a happy life because I am basically a murderer.

I killed my own father.

After my fathers death, my mother had to work extra hours to make more money, and while I don’t blame her for doing that, I wished she had been a mother first instead of leaving us.

I don’t even remember my mother much from that day because she had been absent ever since then.

It felt like we had become a burden to her, and her life would have been way better if we weren’t around.

Being the oldest meant I had to take care of both the house and my siblings, a brother and a sister.

I had to start taking responsibility for them and the house at the age of 8, and even if I didn’t know what I was doing, I always tried my best to satisfy them because I didn’t want them to feel sad.

I swore to myself that I would never allow them to cry or feel depressed due to our situation.

Even if mother wasn’t around, I would try my best to become what I thought a mother was.

I can remember my little sister sixth birthday, my mom couldn’t make it due to her business meetings, I had to make a cake for my sister even when I had never made one before.

It wasn’t easy but putting a smile on my little sisters face was my number one priority, and there was no way I would let her down.

Seeing the smile on her face as she ate the cake made me feel so happy even when we both knew the cake wasn’t perfect or sweet.

I was always happy staying with my siblings, but I was never happy when I entered high school.

It was a placed filled with many individuals and personalities who found joy in oppressing the weak, and unfortunately for me I was weak.

I was bullied daily and never left school with out a bruise on my body, all I had were cuts and torn clothes.

It was during these times that I found the wonders of drugs, and I still remember the day I took my first molly.

The moment it entered my mouth, all my pains and worries disappeared.

I felt like a cloud floating gently around the skies without a care in the world.

What made me sad was the fact that it lasted “only for a moment” before I got back to my usual depressed self, and reality was even worse than before I took it.

To escape the problems I had, I took more pills hoping they would help me forgot my troubles, and I wanted to enter that illusionary world once more.

I hadn’t told anyone that I had started taking drugs, and my mother wouldn’t know because she didn’t even care when I came home with torn clothes.

I looked her in the eyes daily so she could see the pain I was in, I came back from school with bruises and torn clothes but she never did anything.

I don’t think I can even call her my mother anymore.

I remember the day she found out I was taking drugs, it was a day filled with threats and the truth.

She had confronted me about my drug addiction, and even threatened to call the police on me.

I was fed up with her nonsense that day, because she couldn’t even talk to me like a mother, instead she treated me like a criminal.

I blamed her for everything that happened and genuinely wished that she had died instead of my father.

She tried calling the police, but I grabbed a knife to threaten her.

In that moment, I wondered to myself “Am I the one doing this? Or is it the drugs?

I looked the other way to see my siblings with tears in their eyes.

I had vowed to never make them sad, but here I was threatening our mother with a knife.

I dropped the knife and broke down in tears.

I don’t think I deserve to live anymore for doing that to my family.

I am a wicked human being and I don’t deserve life.

I found myself repeating the words I said to myself when father died.

Later that day, I took more drugs to forget what had happened, but I collapsed due to overdose.

I can’t remember much of it but I ended up in the hospital, and a week later I found myself here.

I have made up my mind to change, I know I am not the same Michael my siblings loved, I am a different person, and even though I wish that wasn’t the case. It is.

I know it wouldn’t be easy to quit drugs because we all want to enter that world where all ours worries disappear.

One thing I would always remember is that no matter how many drugs I take I will still end up in reality, and those drugs last “only for a moment”

Starting form today, I would try my best to be a better person for my siblings and for myself, I hope you all will take care of me.

Thank you.