It's been a year already since I lost my childhood friend because of heart failure. This is dedicated to you all at once tol.
I hope you notice that now. At night, on my way home to your mother waiting for me, many people surrounded me on a noisy street, but it was nothing because I felt that I was not alone. You’re not just a conscious observer, but I’m with you - walking beside me while hugging a jeep or hugging me (and otherwise someone else is sitting next to me and you’re leaning over my shoulder).
I was quietly watching the pass at night. I'm thinking of you now, you, my child, how often do you care. You are a touch of cold wind that hugs and caresses my skin for a moment, hugging for a moment before suddenly leaving. You are the one who can be seen in all eyes-the first glowing glow and glow of his sleeping cloud black blanket. I always believe you are really here and tell myself that you are not really lost-even if you can't be touched, seen or touched, you feel I love you. But sometimes it is not enough to calm the emotions.
Especially when we think about things we can't do anymore and experiences that we can't go through anymore. I will never hear you laughing and crying. When I wake up in the morning or sleep at night, I no longer see you. I no longer take you to crawl, to your first steps, to step on the ledge, and to climb the stairs. When you learn to run, I chase you. Now it’s the birth of the night to see the glow of the chase note. Even if your neck hurts, you won't get tired of looking.
When you leave, a lot of "hopes" have turned into "no more" - not only that, not here, I can't count now and I will never count again. It can be as much as every drop of tear can collect some drum, it does not erase the sadness that burns my soul. We have the opportunity to experience moments with you. Even if you haven't stepped into our lives yet, I know that one of your mother's dreams is to see you in your bosom while I sleep with you holding her.
But the only time I touched you was the night when you were born into the world, narrow, quiet and unfeeling, when I lightly hugged you and pushed you into my arms, I burned myself off and on, Found burned, tired. . , And almost a sense of common sense when dealing with grief.
It is good that your mother did not see it, son, because a heart full of love for you will surely burst, especially if it will be the last memory that you will leave her. It hurt me a lot in those moments, Tala. Because, this is the only moment when we are just the two of us. You've been around eight months in your mother's womb, and I know, you've had a lot of happy moments, especially when you're awake and playing - flickering here, kicking there, moving round and round.
Often times your mother used to wake me up so that whenever I feel her you can see her bulging tit. And while this happens repeatedly, especially from the second to the third quarter, every moment is a container of unprecedented bliss. It all came to my mind when I was in a jeep and listening to a song on an iPod. Players: Kamikaze's "Huling Sayaw". And listening to every line of the song, I wept bitterly. Because every word means completely that when we were in a corner of the hospital, when you introduced yourself and when we said goodbye, how did I feel?
"Ito na ang ating huling sandali
Hindi na tayo magkakamali
Kasi wala nang bukas
Sulitin natin ito na ang wakas
Kailangan na yata nating umuwi
Hawakan mo aking kamay
Bago tayo maghiwalay
Lahat-lahat ibibigay, lahat-lahat
Paalam sa ating huling sayaw
May dulo pala ang langit
Kaya’t sabay tayong bibitaw
Sa ating huling sayaw
Di namalayan na malalim na ang gabi
Pero ayoko sanang mag madali
Kay tamis, kay sarap
Ngunit ito na ang huli
Kailangan na yata nating umuwi"
Surprisingly, it is so easy to change the shape of the song. And as the melody continues, every drop of the letter slowly brings me back again and again. Although it lasted for 60 days in this area two months ago, I can still feel the dagger that has been buried ever since. I remember when you saw the tears flowing around, the doctor's arm slowly approaching. I have your weight on my hand, and I just looked at you, who was fighting the gradual destruction and ruin of my world, because at that time I no longer knew what to do. We did everything, but in the end I failed. And I remember how your mother suddenly fainted in a standing position just a few hours after the operation, and the only thing I thought of when she tried to get up and wake up was: if I can't handle it if you leave me alone.
It's just fear. It's just fear. He was overwhelmed with fear along with fatigue from loneliness. I never thought I would find myself so weak. And a few nights later, I woke up in the middle of sleep (too sleepy to visit), and for a few moments I felt that what had happened was just a bitter nightmare. Now I think of you, note son, too often. And even a few days later, your visit to my trance still makes me cry.
But I don't want to end with the words "wherever you are", because I know where you are: here, in my heart and in my mind, of your mother and of all the people who cried when you suddenly left.
