I'm lying on the bed while staring at the blank ceiling that faded into darkness. It's past midnight and I can't help myself to sleep. The darkness and deafening silence ruled the surrounding –that's what I like and need.
Since I can't put myself into a deep slumber, I decided to leave the bed. Then, I headed to my study table in the living room and switched on the lamp. I have multiple pens in my pen holder but none of those are working so I grabbed a crappy pencil instead and my notebook to transfer my story in my mind into my notebook. What a brainless I am. I have a pile of books I bought few days ago in the sale at National Book Store and I forgot to buy some ballpens which I really need. Anyway, as long as I can write it's okay. I just really need to write at the moment to calm my mind and express, besides, sleepiness doesn't want to visit me.
To sustain myself with energy, I prepared a cup of coffee that I could drink while writing. I opened my phone and went directly to a music streaming app and played my favorite playlist. I made sure that the volume is not loud enough wake everyone in the house or disturb any wandering souls around. I still haven't replaced the earphones I broke a month ago so I listen to music through this way.
While I am scribbling my thoughts into the paper I am also paying attention to the songs I'm listening to.
"What's my problem? " I sang along to the first line of the song Levitate of my favorite band Twenty One Pilots. It's a habit of mine to ask myself the question that I can find in any songs I listen to even sometimes the lines become kind of out of context.
"I don't really know," I answered in my mind. I have many worries but I don't know really know what my problem is. It feels there's something I need to fix or something I should seek but I don't know what it is. It's bothering me.
"Are you searching for purpose? " I questioned myself when the song Kitchen Sink played. . It's a line from another song of Twenty One Pilots.
"I don't really know, "my answer in my mind. I don't know what I am doing in my life. Everything I do seems meaningless and pointless.
Then, my top favorite song from The Script, Nothing played. I asked myself from it's first two lines, "Am I better off dead? Am I better off a quitter? "
"I don't really know," my same answer. I ignored the first question because I don't want to die yet. I am not good at anything even in what I'm doing right now–writing. I'm just a mediocre so sometimes think I should quit at what I'm doing.
Another Twenty One Pilots song played. It's We Don't Believe What's on TV and I can't help myself to avoid thinking about this line, "What if my dream does not happen? Would I just changed what I've told my friends? "
"I don't really know, " I answered in my mind again. I don't even know what would I react. May be yes, even in simpler ones like admission to my dream university. Probably, I would just tell them that I have a change of heart.
"Can you save my heavydirtysoul? " this repetitive line from Heavydirtysoul by Twenty One Pilots was stuck on my mind when this song played.
"I don't really know," I just answered even though I think He can. But what if I'm agnostic theist who still doubt His existence. I'm a sinner.
My top favorite song from my another favorite band played. It's If I Believe You by The 1975. I asked myself from the lines of the song, "And if I believe You/ Will that make it stop? / If I told You I need You/ Is that what You want? "
I didn't answer the question instead I focus to other questions on the same song. "If I'm lost then how can I find myself? / If I'm lost now then how can I find myself again? "
"I don't really know," I answered. But maybe I should rekindle my faith, discover myself and find a passion. Maybe all of that. I don't know.
"And how can I move on when I'm still in love with you? " this line from The Man Who Can't be Moved by The Script has been stuck in my head for ages. This has been popular in my country in the 2010's. Then I asked myself the question.
Again, same answer, "I don't really know. " Maybe I've been in love so deeply so it's hard to move on. Then I remember that I've been single since birth. I need to stop imagining things.
After The Man Who Can't Be Moved, another The Script song played. I asked myself the line from If You Don't Love Yourself, "How can you love if you don't love yourself? "
"I don't really know." I think it's hard especially when you hate yourself most of the time. Maybe this is the reason I never fall in love.
I already drank my entire cup of coffee and I'm still halfway trough my story. I'm hungry too so I cooked noodles. I'm dancing to Taylor Swift's Shake it Off and 22 and banging my head to songs from My Chemical Romance and Linkin Park while I'm cooking and eating. No one will see what weirdness I'm doing during this time . I came back to my table after eating the noodles and I brought my coffee.
The song I cried to once played. Daddy by Coldplay made me teary-eyed right now. And implying that I'm the one who is asking this line made me sadder, "Daddy, do you not care? / Is there nothing do you want to say. "
"I don't really know," my answer again. I don't know what he's thinking or doing but I miss him. I haven't seen him for years because my parents separated.
Then House of Gold by Twenty One Pilots played. I remember my mother because of this line, "She asked me, 'Son, when I grow old would you buy me a house of gold? '"
"I don't really know, " is what's on my mind. I don't know if I can,but I will try my best to be successful to lift my family out of poverty and buy what ever my mother wants,even it is a house of gold.
When Taylor's Back to December played I asked myself the line from the song, "How's life.Tell me how's your family. "
"I don't really know." I don't know what to answer. I love and hate my life at the same time. My family is okay but a broken family is not actually okay for me.
The next song played is my favorite from Maroon 5–Won't Go Home Without You. And I asked myself as I sang along to the song,"Why does this happen to me? / Why every moment have to be so hard? "
"I don't really know, "I answered in my mind. I want to know the answer for years. Why?
One More Light by Linkin Park played and I asked myself the question taken from the song, "Who cares if one more light goes out? / In a sky of million stars. "
Same answers as before, "I don't really know. " I don't know if people really care if I'm gone.
I want to end my struggle at the moment. I've thinking of doing it since I sat here. I reached the cutter blade on the pencil holder. I ran my finger along the blade, it's really sharp. I've experienced being wounded by using it on my project before. I know this blade is a perfect subtitute.
Linkin Park's Heavy played after. The question in the chorus stuck in my mind. "I'm holding on./ Why is everything so heavy? " I just said to myself because I can't reach Chester's high note.
"I don't really know," my answer for the nth time. I am dying to know about it. I want to make everything lighter. Everything's so heavy to the point I'm giving up to carry everything. I wish this heavy feeling will end.
Using the cutter blade, I sharpen my pencil. My handwriting is a little bit vague and thick because of the dull lead of the pencil. This is also made me write slower. I don't have a pencil sharpener so I need to improvise. After sharpening my pencil, I started to write again. I am almost finished.
"Can we get up and try to feel okay again? " I sang and asked the question from the song OK by Wallows.
"Of course, " I answered in my mind. This time 'I don't really know ' is not my answer. I am sure of it. I should just have hope.
Finally, I'm done writing my story Power of Music. I yawned and I headed to my bed to sleep. I closed my eyes while smiling and hoping that I can get up tomorrow feeling okay again.
Disclaimer :
This is a work of a fiction. Thoughts, feelings and experiences of the character does not reflect the author's life.
Some are real questions that I asked myself. But which are which? Who knows?
This is my another entry for the prompt Questions of @JonicaBradley .
I was inspired to write a fiction again that revolves around question after reading @kli4d 's Is it my fault?:An interview to the kid I adore. Check it out to miss your old self again.
Even though it's a fiction , I can feel the emotions and feelings that you want to convey to us. It's true that music can really hit our hearts through asking some relatable questions . Looking for you next work😊