I just want to rant here and release the pain stored in my heart. I don't know if I'm just imagining it but I feel like people surrounds don't like me because of some reasons. Even though they don't said it, I can saw it in their eyes. Those judgements from other people made my self confidence low and I start to avoid crowded people. I don't know what's happening to myself, those judgements and dislikes made me cry every night.

One time I've received a chat from stranger mocking me because of my looks. I replied it with all my might and I start to trashtalk him. We fight in chat and I'm not giving up until he will cry. On the end of conversation he blocked me but I still chasing him, I'm making sure that he will regret his action. After that my tears starts falling again, every time I encounter that type of judgements. I'm asking question to myself why people treating me like this. I didn't do to them but still they are judging me because of my looks. I'm so jealous to good looking people because they are accepted by society and they get many attentions from many people.

I feel like some people dislikes me for some reason and I'm aware that I have that kind of works. I know that people are silently dislikes me because I have this kind of characters.

I'm a Promise Broker

Honestly, im not keeping my promise to anyone, yes I agreed but I didn't promise to give them or grant their request but they are waiting for it until I realize that I've already forget it. It makes them mad at me because I didn't keep my promise. Sometimes I just saying sorry to them for not keeping the promise and hopefully they are forgiving me.

I have reasons why I can't keep those promises, first I have no money. Some of my siblings and friends are asking me to give them gifts on their birthday. I can't refuse to them since they will sulk at me. That is why I'm just saying yes to them even though I have no money to buy them gifts. When their birthday come, i can't give them gifts that I promised them. I just greet them happy birthday and say sorry since I didn't bought any gifts for their birthday.

Furthermore, I'm also a promise broker in love, my past girlfriend received many promises from me but in the end I broke it. I make them believed that I will love her until the end of the world but the reality is i can't grant the promise that I told her. We're in long distance relationship and I know that LDR didn't work since there are lots of barriers in relationship. This is one the reason why my friends dislikes me because of this.

Tedious Companion

This is also the reason why people dislikes me because I'm a boring companion. I don't know how to get along to other people since I can't relate to their topics. The only thing I can do is to listen to them and laugh whenever there's funny moments but I don't join in their conversation. I have this friend that don't want to be their part of the group since I'm so boring companion when I'm joining in their hang outs. He reject me to join in their trip and tell me the truth that I'm too boring to join them. At that moment I just send smile emoticon then tears drops on my checks.

I want to blame myself why I was born like this, why I don't have self confidence that can keep pace to other people so that I can become closer to them and they will treat me as their friends. Sadly, I don't have that one. I'm just a lonely guy that coincides in flow of destiny.

Not good-looking

I admit that I'm not good-looking so that people surrounds me dislike me. I can't hear them saying that I'm ugly but I can see the judgment in their eyes while they are looking at me. I just acting like I don't see them and continue walking but I can feel pain in my chest. My tears want to fall but I want to prevent it, I'm thinking happy memories and talk in my mind just to stop my tears from falling.

I don't want to show to others that I'm crying because I'm a man. A strong man isn't crying in front of money people. Everytime I encounter such judgements I just ignoring them and smile at them. I don't want to fight them back because I know it can cause problems to me. I'm an educated person and fighting is not the best solution to defend myself. As long as they didn't hurt me physically, I can endure the verbal judgements came from their mouth. I can show them how strong I am but deep inside I'm crying already. I'm so sorry I'm so weak to handle this rant that I need to share it with you. I just want someone to talk about it since in my whole life I never tell about it to anyone even my family.

Am I acting? The truth is I wish all of this is just an acting. I want this movie or story ends so that I will wake up to different reality. I'm really in pain, even here in house I feel like I'm a black sheep. I feel like I'm different person in the house and my family members treating me different. If there's something mistake happened inside the house, they are looking to me like its all my fault. I don't know but I want to leave here on house but I can't since I have no money. I'm comforting myself for almost 5 years but all the pain are cumulative in my heart and anytime it will explode like a grenade.