GOOD DAY EVERYONE THIS IS MY FIRST ARTICLE, I HOPE YOU LIKE IT!!
We all experience moments where we feel like the world is against us somehow. Sometimes that feeling lingers for a long time, other times it hits us like a storm, only to pass a brief moment later.
Although we can’t always seem to trace what’s causing us to feel that way, sometimes, we can: We might be falling behind at work; our relationships may seem fragile, leaving us feeling confused; we may carry the burden of the issues of our family, making us feel frustrated; we might not get enough exercise in, so we worry about our health; unfortunate events from our past may keep haunting our present; perhaps we keep letting the wrong people into our lives which makes us question our judgment.
And on top of all of that, you keep stubbing your toe against that darn coffee table, and the eggs smell weird this morning. And so, we’re left wondering why everything seems to be going smoothly for others, while for us, it isn’t.
I thought I had signed up for the life-that-always-goes-smoothly-with no-issues. I’d like a refund, please.
Self-pity—defined so eloquently by the good ole Oxford dictionary as “ excessive, self-absorbed unhappiness over one's troubles.” Not very sexy, is it? Deeply unattractive, which I think is one of the reasons why we don’t like talking about it.
No one wants to recognize nor admit to themselves or to anyone else that they’ll occasionally curl up in bed, feeling deeply sorry for themselves. Now, why even bother having this conversation?
Besides the joy I find in tackling somewhat uncomfortable topics such as this one, I think it’s important to shed some light on it so that we can learn to recognize this behavior both in ourselves and in others, because I know from personal experience how destructive self-pity can be, and I’m going to share a bit of a personal story on that.
This conversation is not an attempt to address depression or any other mental illness; I’m simply going to share my thoughts on the occasional self-pity that most people experience at some point, based on my experiences and what I’ve read on this topic.
I’m going to be using the words “feeling sorry for yourself” and “self-pity” and “victim mentality” somewhat interchangeably. And my use of the word victim will not mean an actual victim of any sort but rather a person who adopts a victim mentality; those are two separate things. Being a victim does not mean you have a victim mentality and having a victim mentality does not mean you’re a victim.
“Self-pity is easily the most destructive of the non-pharmaceutical narcotics; it is addictive, gives momentary pleasure and separates the victim from reality.” –John Gardner Self-pity may look different for different people.
I like to put it on a spectrum: On one end is the person who indulges in their self-pity, I call that person the solo pity party host or SPP. This person doesn’t try to involve nor affect anyone else; there’s no want for attention or sympathy from others. It’s all in their head and they’d like for it to stay that way.
On the other end, we have the person who elicits pity from other people, I call them the invite pity party host or IPP. They will use self-pity as a tool to make others give them attention and to feel sorry for them. They want to guilt others into taking responsibility for them and take care of them.
They seek out the compassion they should be giving themselves. It sounds manipulative because it is, whether it’s intentional or not. Regardless of where we find ourselves on the spectrum, as we indulge in self-pity, we enter a state of being completely self-absorbed. It’s when we see ourselves, or portray ourselves to be, helpless, hopeless, and defeated.
It’s when our suffering is all we think and care about, so much that we become oblivious of that of those around us. Examples of things we may think or say are, “they got lucky, I didn’t”, “they have it so easy, I have it so hard”, “it’s so unfair” and “no one understands me”.
We’ll draw emotional conclusions instead of rational ones, such as “I didn’t get the job because I just suck and I’m meant to be miserable” instead of something like “I didn’t get the job because they found someone who was more suitable, and that’s okay. I’ll keep looking.”
Now, while we throw pity-parties for different reasons, I’d like to talk about three possible ones, starting with:
I. EGO
“I don't want it to end, and so, “as every therapist knows, the ego does not want an end to its “problems” because they are part of its identity. If no one will listen to my sad story, I can tell it to myself in my head, over and over, and feel sorry for myself, and so have an identity as someone who is being treated unfairly by life or other people, fate or God.
It defines my self-image, makes me into someone, and that is all that matters to the ego.”―Eckhart Tolle
We don’t care for “problem-free” people, in the lack of a better word to describe people who are, or at least seem to be, free of troubles and hardships.
We may even resent them for it.
Many people fear blending into the masses, we want to have a story worth telling, and stories like that often entail some kind of suffering. It sells.
Not only sells in a literal sense, but it makes us seem more interesting when we’re out there in the world because a person who seems like a victim is considered worthy of attention, comfort, and care, unlike someone who has it easy or seems to have it easy.
Now sometimes, we hold on to our self-inclined victim narrative, not because we seek comfort from others, but because we fear what we’ll be left with if we let go of it.
Without all the drama, complaining, and problems, who will I be? We all say we want peace and serenity but do we really, or is part of us afraid life will be boring and uninspiring?
II. TO AVOID PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY AND ACTION
This is where we get into my personal story. So, once upon a time, a pity party thrower was a big part of my life. This person had created this narrative for themselves where everything bad in their life was to blame on someone else, on the circumstance, or on life itself.
They had taken the passenger seat of their own life and hence let go of any personal accountability. They had the attitude of “Well, the reason my life is the way it is is that I have bad luck and life just never works out in my favor.”
And so, I was made to feel like I needed to help them make their situation better, but my offer to help was met with resistance and empty promises.
They were hosting an invite pity party and I attended because I didn’t know better at the time. But truthfully, the pity party isn’t over until the host says it is. You, as the guest, are powerless. And so, I learned an important lesson, to never take it upon me to try and help someone who doesn’t truly want to be helped.
III. SELF-PITY AS A DEFENSE MECHANISM
When we indulge in self-pity, we gain a sense of control over our suffering which can be comforting. Judging ourselves first before someone else gets the chance can make us feel protected from the outside world and prepare us for any pain that we may come to face.
It’s having an attitude of “If I’m already at the bottom, no one else or nothing else can put me there” or “Yeah, I already know I’m a loser, so you telling me that doesn’t faze me.”
Now, you may be listening to this thinking “well, I do have pain, I do face hardships, am I not allowed to feel it or talk about it? Is it not valid? Will people think I’m hosting a pity party?”
Of course, we can open up about our emotions with other people, being able to do that is a crucial part of any relationship. But I think it’s good to sometimes honestly question your intention.
Now, this is where I want to touch on self-compassion, which is a whole topic on its own, an incredibly important one:
Unlike pity, with self-compassion we don’t become completely absorbed in our issues, but rather, we invite a more balanced, objective view of the situation.
We meet our emotions with kindness, just like how we’d respond to someone we care about. We’d keep our hearts open and extend comfort and care. We take responsibility for ourselves rather than giving that responsibility up by abandoning ourselves or expecting someone else to take responsibility for us.
Rather than having an attitude of “The world is against me and I’m being punished”, to instead think something like “I’m not being punished, everyone goes through hardship.
I’m not alone and I’ll get through this.” Ideally, this is how our default, go-to attitude would be. But we shouldn’t be too hard on ourselves, because after all, humans do have a negativity bias, and having a paper-perfect response in all situations can be difficult.
We all have moments when we don’t want to be rational when we don’t want to do the right, the best thing, when all we want to do is to in fact to curl up in bed, left in our misery for a moment, and that’s okay. The keyword here: for a moment. Host your pity party, cry to a song or two, but know when it’s time to leave.
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