A Letter | May 15

Hey fighters,

"You'll need to make a bigger decision to let go than to hold on."

Upon reading this passage while watching a kdrama, I suddenly remembered a memory in my college days.

It is normal for a college student to have a crush right? I also have one when I was in high school. But the most lingering crush that I have was when I'm in my second year college. Lingering in terms that he's the only crush I had back then, the whole college years I have. I'm a one woman type.

His name was Jan, an IT student. I'm an education student that time. But we had some minors that we were able to be classmates. I'm always intrigued by guys who were silent, even now, I wanted to know more about him. He seldom talks and even smile. I wanted to see his smile even for a little while. Back then, the haircut he used to wear were from the likes of a kdrama lead, just like Go Jun Pyoo of Boys Over Flowers. It's so popular back then, many tried to copy but some failed to be suitable in them. But as for him, it made him look more the boy next door type. He's not your typical average guy. He's kinda popular in the whole campus, the group he's into. I had heard girls giggling while he passed by the corridors and said appreciations for him.

I'm a silent type, as always. It is okay for me to see him from a distance. I am not showy in terms of the language of love. I prefer to watched him from afar.

There's this one subject that we're classmates and also groupmates. I had known him from there. We bonded as a group, we're five in the group and eventually bonded sometimes as a duo. I had become more relaxed in talking to him, he treated me and I will return the favor of treating him, though he always insisted on paying.

We became close friends, then became like MU or people having mutual understanding or in layman's term in bisaya, murag uyab.

We didn't do the courtship and the normal couple would go through, like celebrating monthsaries and giving gifts and everything. We just decided to be like that. Every end of my class, he's out there waiting for me and then we'll gonna eat street foods like kwek-kwek and just talk anything under the sun. He's also the one who introduced me the street foods for I don't normally eat it, I'm a bit OC in the food I'm taking. So yeah, he's with me in my first bite of kwek-kwek.

Days, months passed, everything went well. But there's this one day, I heard rumors that Jan is dating a third year college nursing student. By the way Jan was one year ahead of me. At first I didn't believed it to be true, but when he showed up holding hands with her in front of me saying she's his girlfriend and introducing me as his bestfriend, I now knew the status we had.

I am the only one who thought we're an item that time. He treasured me as his best friend but I treasured him as my lover.

The first month was tough. Trying to appear to be nice and all in front of them. I always cried at night and then smiled in the day. I think I'm going to get crazy.

Summer vacation came and I decided to stay away from him. I cannot moved on when I always see them so sweet. The things he did for me is what he's doing now to her. But come to think of it we never kissed and said I love you. Maybe I'm just blinded by my feelings for him.

I decided to cut off ties, at first he's very angry at me for doing it to him but as I've reasoned out my feelings for him, he grew silent and awkward. I still hoped for us by saying this stupid line, 'Choose between us, is it me or your gf?' You know the answer because I'm still single now.

When I decided to let go and move on, I lost my confidante, my friend, my inspiration. I always pray for his happiness.

Letting go is not easy. It's a very hard decision to make especially if your letting go a very special one. So please treasure someone you have in your care now. You might not know what the future holds.

Till next time.

Hoping always,

NethFidelis