Maybe it's anxiety, and it's killing me.

As a mother, we need to make our patience longer just like the river coz if we don't have more patience in ourselves maybe we can create a decision that we might regret afterward. It's really hard to control our temper, coz a mother is also human, we felt exhausted plus the fact that we have work every day and our energy when we got home is empty and there's this stubborn kid who cried even though there is nothing happens to them. Hayes is so frustrating.

Last Friday, after eating our dinner. I do the dishes coz my husband always does it and he lying down in bed with the kids, after a while the youngest approaches me that he wants to watch a video on his cellphone, so I never gave him what he wants coz I noticed that he almost watch like 3 hours straight and that's the beginning of his tantrums. Imagine he is 1 year and 10 months yet he throws his toys and opens the door and then walks out, but he didn't go far coz he's afraid of the dark but when we get him he doesn't want to go inside and cry a lot. I got angry like I can't control my mind, it was the first time that I cannot even calm myself, I pull him and bring to the bathroom to have a half bath, he continues crying and shouting and then he wants to full the faucet very hard like I'm also got wet this time, my husband rescuing us coz I almost explode.

Maybe because I'm pregnant my energy got easily faded away and my patience was also down, I cried a lot after that incident coz if my husband doesn't rescue me, I almost choke the child, and my mind is closed, I leveled my stand to an attitude of a child which is not me coz in terms of encountering different attitudes of children I can say that I'm expert of it, but in handling my kids, I can't? It's so frustrating on my part he pushes me to my limit which unusually happens to me coz I can manage my temper, so I cried and pray for it and ask forgiveness and guidance to the Almighty father God to lighten my mind every time my child got his tantrums again coz it's a saddening part of a mother that we can hurt our children.

Maybe this is what they called anxiety or depression, knowing that I am more of holding my temper and If I got angry I smiled to it and afterward it's fade but now, it's different.

Every night I pray about my illness, I consider it sickness because it's not me anymore. Like there's someone in the back of my head who commands me to get angry also, I know it's only because of tiredness but I have my pleaded work also to attend to every day and this is our bread and butter.

So, I hope and pray that it won't happen again coz I'm afraid of myself already.

Thank you for reading my sentiments.

It's me ∆Nadeen∆