Monday ramblings

1:22 102521

I am no religious person. I started going to church regulary when I was in grade three. Prior to that, my mother started to take us to church with her when I was still a baby. But it was in grade three when I gained conciousness . Back in the day, my mother would need to cross a river in order to go to church, I was still one year old by then and my sister is two. My grandmother in my father's side is a devoted Catholic, and she doesn't like the idea of us being taken by my mother to church and crossing the river.

But, even with my grandmother's issues, my mother continued taking us to church with her this time, we never have to cross a river. I grew up listening to bible stories told by our pastor's wife. We would also sing action songs and practice giving tithes too. Before, we end our session every sunday, our teacher would let us memorize one bible verse first and gave us candies as prizes.

Fast forward to the time when I was in grade three, my sister was grade five by then. She was tasked to lead the Praise and Worship on sunday. She already had a practice session with the team but on the following day, she refused to go to church. So, I was asked to do my sister's task. It was my first time and I was nervous seeing the crowd after me besides I was just grade three by then. But, I still continued to sing with my eyes closed so I won't get so nervous. That was my first time leading the Praise and Worship.

I then started to read and study more about Jesus during sunday school and during my devotions. I would be fueled and my faith would be on fire whenever I hear testimonies of other people telling how God has been great in their lives.

I was a high schooler when we we had a youth pastor, he was very active and friendly that almost all of the young men in our community joined us in church then. He had a project called "Basketsoul" wherein he used the game basketball to meet people and play with them, be friends with them and later on, he would share God's word to them. It was a successful program that we are the church that has the most number of youth in our denomination back then. Everyone is active and participative in joining prayer meetings, cell groups, fellowship and a lot more. The youth pastor taught the young people to play the musical instruments too. But sad to say, I wasn't able to learn anything because my sister would want me to go home if we will have practice. Everytime the young people gathers, she would shoo me away. If I would not budge, she will be the one to come home. So, I did her a favor of not joining anything. She doesn't want me to be with her, to be her tail. Why is that?

As a result, I would just come home and satisfy myself in crying and telling everything to my mother. She would comfort me but the feeling of being trashed by my own sister will never leave me back then.

Today, no matter how hard I try, I can't pray straight in a week every night or after I wake up. The truth is in the morning, I first take a bath or prepare breakfast and do a lot of things and before I know it, the day has ended without me saying graces and giving thanks to God for allowing me to see another one day. At night, I barely pray too because I instantly fall asleep after my online class. I would make a mental note of praying regularly but there are really times that I missed.

I go to church too but I barely understand the pastor's sermon. I would always blame the pastor because in my mind, he is not studying well that is why he can't deliver the sermon very well. I am not like this. Before, I would go home from church feeling blessed and moved, carrying with me the values I learned and trying my best to apply it in my life.

As I grow up, I have also drifted away from Him. I remember the time when it all started. It was when I was having dilemma whether to go to church or have classes. I'm just a human wanting to earn more and maximizing my time. I'm also a human who lacks faith, I placed my trust not on God's hands but on my own. I thought working hard is the key when in fact God can deliver me in every challenges I faced. He would have made me stride to the things I desire but I chose to strive. It was my fault. It was me who lacks faith.

You see, humans are more faithful in luck and fortune than in God. We placed our bets more in gambling and in lottery. But we don't have the 100% trust in Him. Sure, we know that He is there. That somehow He will hear us but deep inside our hearts, there are doubts and worries. We seldom place our full bets on God, trusting that He will lead us to where we should be.

I admit, I was sidetracked by my dreams, my hurts, my past and my future. Everyone is hunting me and rooting for me to win so I needed to work hard. I have forgotten to look up and trust Him. To slow down and hear from Him. I learned that God will surely talk to us even with the most boring pastor we have, He would use even the most ordinary preacher. And if ever we can't learn something or anything from him, it is not the pastor's fault but ours. We need to check our attitude and hearts because there might be things that blocking the words to penetrate and make its roots unto our hearts.

*Lead Image is from Unsplash.com

Just a random monday ramblings read friends! Just sharing one of the many things I am toxic or unhealthy about. How are you? I hope the start of the week looks good at you!

Until then. Thank you for reading!